110% with Nomo on this one, Heim -- PLEASE DON'T DO IT. Only if you are done with trying should you do it, because the bottom line is that you will only show her pressure, control, etc, that will in turn frustrate her and either push her away further or cause her to put the final nail in the coffin. Is that what you want?
She KNOWS you don't want her talking to OM, so why keep bringing it up? Please don't do it Heim.
Thanks everyone. Just to clarify, I had/have absolutely no intention of doing this today, tomorrow or next week. Just thinking out loud, BUT thanks for pointing out that it's a bad idea -- especially now. On the one hand I know it, on the other I'm not 100% convinced I shouldn't do this at some point. I'll pull my thoughts together on this over the next week and we can poke holes in that later.
Tell you what, the reinforcement of not to do this from all of you DOES make me feel a lot better about it. Thanks.
Saving, I thought about just taking it down, but, it's her bedroom and I'm not sure she wanted it down. If I were still at the house, I would wash, dry and hang it. I think doing that for her now would be seen by her as manipulation/pressure at this point.
I did notice, however, that one of favorite, seasonal beers is out again. Going to buy a 4-pack for her when I get one for myself. It's really good.
BD
Last edited by Heimlich; 09/21/0703:14 PM.
My latest
Me: 36 W: 35 2 D: 9 and 5 T: 16 years M: 12 10/4/06: Bomb 10/5/06: Ended A 4/22/07: ILYBNILWY
on the other I'm not 100% convinced I shouldn't do this at some point. I'll pull my thoughts together on this over the next week and we can poke holes in that later.
Ok, very eager to hear what you hope to accomplish and/or what you think you can accomplish by doing this. I agree that there are greatly reduced chances of reconciliation when an OM is in the picture, but rather than try to get them out of the picture (which you can't do), you have to just be patient and wait them out.
Hang in there buddy!
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
Your M doesn't have a snowball's chance in h*ll until you quit minimizing the problems in your M. They are deep. They are profound. They are extensive. Otherwise, you would not be separated. I've seen you trivializing them and making the only barrier to an easy reconcilliation your W not being open to it. "If only she'd give you the barest chance, things would magically be perfect."
They wouldn't. You have to wait until W WANTS to consider giving you a chance.
Quit the pursuit. You just tried it (re the giant doily). You got turned down. Flat. Do not get the beer for her.
LEAVE HER BE. QUIT TRYING TO INSERT YOURSELF INTO HER LIFE.
Heim, OT is right. You know it and I know it. What she says rings just as true for me as it does for you. We both need to heed her advice, even as difficult and against our own judgment as it may be. She is 100% correct.
"LEAVE HER BE. QUIT TRYING TO INSERT YOURSELF INTO HER LIFE." wise words to live by.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
Is OT correct? I agree we all have to stop the chase, give time and space, focus on ourselves (what we control), but have you really not owned up to the problems in your M that led here. OT's post surprised me, but I have to admit I haven't been following you or your sitch closely. Just loosely.
Nomo
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
I don't see that OT is saying that H has not owned up to his roll in problems with the M, she is saying that just getting back together and getting OM out of the picture is not the solution. She is saying that the underlying issue that brought their marriage to where it is today need to be dealt with first. Unless they are dealt with then the R has no chance.
“Do you want to be RIGHT or want to be LOVED” “You have to have a life to share a life with someone” “When you stop resisting, you start learning”
While we can all certainly deal with our individual issues, how exactly do we deal with the "couples"\relationship issues before our WAS reinvests in the M (or comes back)?
M 39 W 39 M'd 10 yrs; T 14 yrs S7 D4 Bomb 5-8-05 W not working on M 1-22-07; EA 2-22 DB 4-10 S 6-11 No more C Link
