3 Days to go

[Dom R]

Psch,
i just read your thread here.
I dont get you. Or maybe, I actually do, and that's the trouble.

From your summary through your own words, you seem to spend most of your energy on the divorce side of things, rather than marital recovery.

Some of the words coming out of your mouth to your wife say, "I want to try", but the majority of them, including your actions calling for divorce planning, say "I'm done with this marriage".

If you actually want your W to think you mean it.... you're sending the wrong messages to her. She even says that, as quoted by you.
'you are giving me mixed messages about what you want'

This is your second marriage. the first ended by divorce. it sounds like you have already resigned yourself to "ok, go through that again".

I'm going to be blunt, and semi-brutal here. Semi-apologies in advance:
After a quick scan through your original summary of your marriage, in your

first thread

it sounds like, basically, most of the problems in your current marriage, stem from you.
You kind of acknowlege that your wife's distancing from you is due to this... but you dont appear to accept responsability for it.

In my mind, accepting responsability, goes beyond acknowleging it. It includes trying to make up for it.

You said that, "This had all been bought up 2 or 3 times before and I said I would change - but didn't."

So, it is understandable that she would not believe any claims of "i'll change, i'll change!" from you at this point.

you also seem to basically be DRIVING HER INTO an affair with this "ex".
I may have missed something, but what I have read so far, is that she "might be in an EA with him".
Of course she's going to enjoy time with him, if your relationship is so bad right now.
That doesnt have to mean that your marriage is over, though!

You're feeling pessimistic that it "will probably mean the end of your marriage", so you just gave up.

Well, sure it would have ended... if you did nothing!



It kinda seems to me like you are glad of the excuse to blame, for divorcing her. instead of trying to repair your marriage.
That "you're doing it (divorce) for her" is total bunk. I think you're just playing mental games, to avoid,

1. facing responsability that YOU are the one who wants a divorce
2. facing the alternative to divorce, which is, you actually having to put in major effort, and actually change yourself.

By your own words, you seem, shall we say, "highly resistant to change".

At this point, it may be too late.. you may have actually succeeded in your efforts to push your wife away into the arms of the OM.

But, if you are willing to actually stand up and work on yourself and your marriage this second time around...
The next time you talk with your wife, [waiting until SHE contacts YOU, like others suggest], How about you stop with the "I'm doing it for you" junk, and instead say that you lost your mind; that after further consideration, you'd like to try something together [such as Retrouville] to see if there is any chance or path that looks like you could work out a good marriage together.

"promising to change", without any real plan on how to do that, is an empty promise.
A real marital recovery program, such as retrouville, will give you something specific to follow.


If you dont decide to put in the effort to truely change yourself.. you are throwing away both this marriage, AND any chance of a good possible future relationship you might hope to have. You'll just find yourself in the "same place, different face".