Stories don't always end

[BeingMe]

Thanks y'all, for posting, and caring! I so appreciate this forum. I do not have family or friends close by, so this is my place to vent, and just get things out that are building up inside.

Anyway, the story is that I decided to try, once more, to find out what's up with my H. To let him know that I will not wait around anymore. His answers were so wishy-washy, that I just said to him that it's time to think of separation. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. So! We are now sleeping in separate rooms (not as if we did anything in our bedroom anyway).

I just feel we are in the same place we were 2.5 years ago. He does not put me (translation = our M) first. He always has something else that needs doing that keeps him from spending the time and effort to work on our M. Now, he is travelling away from home all the time, which makes things even worse. I don't feel secure in my M. I still feel like he just settled for me because the OW was not an option (and thanks to me pointing it out, he is unable to give her the same lifestyle as her doctor husband ... sometimes, I wish I would just keep my mouth shut because now I feel I am the one he's with because I don't mind being a lot less well off), seeing as she is married, and has smaller children. I still don't trust him, and feel he is just going to do this to me again. And, how much easier when he is away from home all the time.

We have no intimacy (and, I don't just mean s*x). There is no romance. We are not a team, with common goals for our future. And, we used to be a great team ... we always had each other's backs, trusted each other, and were consistent with the children, etc. Now, even that has gone. I am just so disappointed.

I feel I made sacrifices for him (no, I'm not the martyr type, but I really did give up a lot to come here), so that we can start over (his words) in this new place, but he has done very little to help me feel like he really does love me, and wants this M. It feels as if I am the one constantly trying to prove myself, as if I had the EA, and not him. He just feels like he is constantly being judged (which I don't). He says I read too much into things, but actually I don't think I do at all (he is more apt, for example, to comment on a look I might give, when I am thinking nothing) ... he just thinks I do. I don't snoop in his things, and I rarely ask questions about where he is, and who with. And, often, if I do, it's out of curiosity. I have had enough of the eggshells. I truly have made so many changes within myself, and have tried so hard to make this work ... doing things way out of my character, such as not constantly confronting him, trying to be patient, trying to be gentle, keeping my feelings mostly to myself, but how long can anyone pander to another's insecurities and not lose some of themselves, and then grow resentful (which is how I am starting to get, and I don't want to be that way) and not be pandered back?

I am wondering if he is still in contact with the OW. He denies it. He says he doesn't want a D (and I sure am in no hurry for one either, and live separated for the rest of my life if needs be), but he sure isn't doing much to prevent it.

I am thinking of continuing my education, and then possibly moving back to our previous city where there are jobs, and where I have friends and family. I love it here, but I don't know many people (all new acquaintances), can't find a job, and I am now unwilling to move to the USA where I won't be allowed to work, and would be alone with no friends again. What he does now is up to him. If he wants me then he's going to have to show it, and he's not coming back into our bedroom until he is truly ready to commit. I, on the other hand, am done pussyfooting around! I have no hope that he can change one little iota, and only expects everyone around him to do so. We are friendly, but at this point, I see no future for us.

Wii, you mentioned having a DB plan ... well, I have run out. No more plans, no more trying and wishing and hoping. No more expectations that he will do anything to win me back. I am not playing games, but I think he thinks I am. Oh well!

Sorry about the length. I am not too sad today. I was in the last two days, so was just walking around in a bit of a daze, not knowing what to do or how to move forward. Kinda feel like I'm trapped in a giant whirlpool. But, I'm slowly moving toward the brim.

If you got this far, then thanks for reading. There is so much more to the story, but I think this is about what it is ... generally speaking.

'Eh!