Now I've done it... again

[nephartiti]

Thanks, again, everyone. What would I do without you ladies beating some sense into me?

MK, I was thinking this same thing. How can their relationship possibly last? We haven't been married 10+ years like a lot of people here. Our whole history is only a little more than 5, but it is fully packed. Of all his girlfriends, I'm the one he married. We have two beautiful children. We have also grieved the loss of two pregnancies (one at 17 weeks). I was the one who went through mourning his mother's death with him. I was there in the beginning struggles of starting his career. I have to believe these things have built some sort of foundation. All of this crap and detritous piled on top is just that--a mess that needs to be cleaned up, composted, and mixed with the soil for new growth.

Clean up is relatively easy. Composting (healing) takes time, but it is worth it. In the end, with the proper care, you have a blossoming garden.

Patience is not one of my best attributes. I want it now. That's why I tend to "fix" things. I have a hard time waiting for others to figure it out.

I started reading The Five Love Languages. Talk about a 2X4 to the head. If I hadn't been so dense, I could have "fixed" things a long time ago. In the beginning he said she listened to him. Even though I would sit with him for long periods of time talking, I realize that I wasn't listening the way he wanted because I always had to put my 2 cents in. He took this as criticism. I thought I was just adding to the convo. He told me this, more than once. I just didn't get it. Ug!

Then I would go on about all the things I do to show him I love him and guess what? He didn't get it! Now look where we are.

Also, as I'm sure everyone's realized, I am more than a little bitter with resentment. I am not yet at a place where I can control this. I'm still praying for lwb's nerves of steel, Morgan's compassion, and MK's kick ass no nonsense beacon of light.

So, I am going dark. This time it is for myself, not a calculated manuever. I need time and space to work through what I am feeling. I'm going to take care of me, not to show him how good I am but because I feel neglected and need to show myself some care. I need to re-connect with my kids. I have spent so much energy chasing H that I feel I haven't been there for them. I take care of their basic needs, but have been missing the magic.

In the meantime, I can only pray that H and OW get on each other's nerves. Maybe he is at the school, giving money, and buying groceries b/c she is pressuring him? Now he has over two weeks til he gets paid, so she will have to support him. I don't know, but I do know that he loves and misses his kids. He's only going to put up with that for so long.

MK, I don't know what to do about ending the cycles with our kids and dealing with abandonment. H came from a very solid home with, as far as I know, no infedelity. He had uncles that strayed, and it is looked at as a shame to the whole family. They are very traditional. H was molested by an uncle also (only once, thank God). His brother was molested on an ongoing basis by a different uncle. These things were kept hush hush and never discussed. What happens in the family, stays in the family. They still see this uncle and act as if nothing is wrong. It drives me crazy.

My family was a mess. My mother was an alcoholic. My father a drug addict. Both had affairs. My father had a child with another woman. As a child I walked in on both of my parents (at different times) engaging in sexual acts with other people. My parents divorced when I was 9.

So here I am trying with all that I have to give my kids a better life. I am clean and sober. I married a man whom I thought had strong work and family values. However her I am, and here my kids are--in a broken home.

Since Saturday, S2 keeps going outside climbing on chairs (the ladder is gone) looking for his father over the wall.

There is only so much we can control. All we can do is make the best lemonade we can with the lemons we have. The truth is, your H did abandon your D. Hopefully it is not permanent. What is important is that she knows it is not her fault, that it doesn't make her unworthy or unlovable. He didn't do it because he didn't love her. It is him, not her. It is not ok, but it is just the way it is. What else can we do?

Morgan, I emptied storage, and I have H's stuff put aside. It was already in boxes. I left him a v-mail yesterday letting him know. He hasn't responded. Just as well, b/c I'm not ready in interact with him right now.