Just about every day when we get up I ask her how she slept. The answer is almost always "terrible". She wakes up at 3AM every morning and has a hard time getting back to sleep. Sometimes she'll actually get up and work. She can ussually fall back asleep around 6AM.
Then every day she is too tired (and too depressed) to really be productive. So this sets up what she talked about as being a "functioning depressed person"
I then tend to take care of her. Take her to breakfast because she was too tired to get the dishes done. If I do the dishes and then cook it takes a lot of my time and she feels guilty also. Hang out with her cause she doesn't want to work.
So not only is she being unproductive but I am also.
When she is with me she can be sulking and tired and depressed but then she'll get on the phone with someone (like right now) and all of a sudden she's sparkling and cheery. This is all the time, she's laughing and having a good time with everyone else but she'll change right back when it comes to hanging with me. I've always thought of this as being very two faced and insincere but I'm realizing more of what it really is.
So I've always thought a lot was caused by the not sleeping but I've just realized the not sleeping may be a control method. It's a damn vicious circle. Not sleeping and then not getting anything done and then stressing on not getting anything done and then not sleeping.
And this all drags me down too.
I just realized this morning that I was up working on the computer and feeling fine. I get probably more done before she gets up than the whole rest of the day. She gets up, drags herself into my office, the usual interactions occur and I've now got a pit in my stomach and am stressed. My focus has now been taken off of work and is now on her.
At the moment her mood is now good again. She's made a couple of phone calls and has been cheery on those. But I'm left with this slightly stressed out, unfocused mood. I don't think well at all in this state.
So I really really need to break this pattern I just discovered.
We have two glasses of wine apiece each night. I tend to get up an hour earlier if I don't have wine. Perhaps it would be an interupt if I quit. I used to drink excessively. I was definitely self medicating. I always drank a little too much. But I don't feel that pain anymore and don't try to cover it up with booze anymore.
I've had a feeling for a long time that the answer to this was to quit drinking. My intuition has told me this for a long time. Don't know why. Maybe I really need to become strongly disciplined and when she pours me a glass at night I should turn it down. I know she drinks less if I don't at all.
Or maybe I should get up early and go do something each morning.
I definetely need to be more disconnected from her morning mood.
And here I thought I was getting all unfused and I discover I'm truly not.
