Thoughts on phone calls

[Dom R]

Any thoughts on the detachment? I'm having a really hard time detaching and staying hopeful. I can do it and still care but I can't seem to do it and think that things will work out.

Detaching from hurt, without detatching from your marriage, is really difficult.
In some ways, saying things about "how to do it", is almost a waste of time... each person kinda has to find out how to quiet their feelings themselves... but I'll share my thoughts on it anyway

For me, detaching comes, from a combination of a few things.
[I should point out that this list is from the perspective of being separated. Married couples still living together, may have a different take on things]

• Accepting that you cannot "control" your spouse, or "make" them do anything
• Accepting that, yes, they may decide to never come back. So you'd better get your life in order to handle that
• Accepting that a good marriage comes from when both parties WANT to be in it. And that's not what they want right now
• Reading, and through that, knowing that sometimes, backing off, is a kind of "doing something", that is more productive than anything you can "actively" do.
• Dropping expectations, that they "have to" work on your marriage. Clearly, they don't have that view, so your own personal viewpoint on that issue, is irrelevant.
• Accepting that there will be "up" days, and there will be "down" days. If you expect that an "up" is going to last.. the "down" will hurt you that much worse. So... dont "expect".

I think that, in summary, maybe it's about accepting that you cant force the two of you back together, or make it happen significantly faster by "rushing" things. (recognizing the times when you have rushed things, and made things WORSE, helps a whole lot here )

It's about giving the power over your relationship to your spouse. Accepting that all you can do, is be the best you that you can be, and letting them decide what to do about it. In their own time.

[please note: 'you', used above, is a generic]