why don't I listen to my own stories?

[NikB]

Agent99 - whew, glad that didn't come across too heavy handed. You remind me so much of myself that I am afraid I may project too much sometime, wishing I could talk to myself at the same stage you're at.

I'm glad you weren't waiting for him to plan things, that's good to hear.

I ABSOLUTELY think you should go ahead with your surgery. You need to take care of your health, first! If a month of no sex is enough to destroy your marriage, there's not much of a M there to begin with. I actually think having the surgery in spite of the sitch will show a lot of strength. Your health is important enough to you that you'll make it a priority. And also shows that you're not using sex to manipulate him into sticking around. Postponing the surgery sends the opposite message, in my opinion.

I agree with Dom though, if you're cutting off ALL intimate activity, do it for personal reasons and don't blame the surgery - and be clear about what those reasons are. How much you share with H is up to you, but I wouldn't just suddenly stop all intimacy with no explanation.

Also, I'd try not to get TOO hung up on the time period thing. 4 weeks, 6 weeks, 3 months - it's not very long at all when you're talking about a 12.5 year relationship. What if he's not ready to make a clear decision at the 3 month mark? Are you going to force it, or give him more time? Will YOU be ready to make your own decision at that point? It may well take more time.. or less, although I'd encourage you to stick with the 3 months at a minimum.

As for your question - yes, H and I are being intimate for the time being. It's a little scary because I know there's a chance he's got a PA going on (and with someone who I'd be surprised if she DOESN'T have some nasty disease(s), based on her history). So far I'm choosing to trust him that it's an EA and hasn't gone to PA. Sex was a major issue for us due to a lot of physical things on my part that are now taken care of - so in this time period where he's waffling but I'm trying to establish what an R between us COULD look like, I want to make sure it's a priority. I do doubt myself regularly, though. If I find out it's gone to a PA or if we do separate again no more sex, period, unless/until he fully recommits - it sends the wrong message in my case.

I don't want to 'do' something the entire weekend and I hate that in order to 'prove' I have my own life, I need to get out of the house and be busy.

I soo know what you mean here, trying to find that balance myself right now.

I am naturally an introvert and when I get very busy with work (where I am forced to be more extroverted) I get pretty tired and long for my 'nest'. H's presence does not interfere with my 'nest' in the least. So, it's not so much that I look to him for my entertainment (I can be perfectly happy crafting/making beads/reading at home) - I just want to spend time with him. Still pressure, right?

Lots of pressure, yes. Totally natural to want to spend time with him, but that ball's just not in your court right now (unless you go with that option I suggested of planning a specific date and inviting him).

If his presence doesn't interfere with your "nest," can you also enjoy it WITHOUT his presence? Sounds like it. So... maybe your plans aren't out of the house, but rather, you plan to spend Saturday afternoon on a particular craft project. And you don't change those plans just to be available for your H.

I like Dom's idea of having SOME time available, but not the entire (or even majority) of the weekend open to H's whims. Most of the stuff you mentioned that involves "nesting" is pretty variable in terms of when you do it. So maybe you want to spend, say, 4 hours on some project or beading or whatever. Ok... H calls last minute and wants to hang out... so, you go to lunch for an hour and then cut it short (nicely) saying thanks so much, it was so wonderful, and you look forward to next time but have to go because you have other plans. That isn't playing hard to get exactly, it's placing value on yourself and doing what makes you happy.

The thing that makes me anxious about rebuffing him has more to do with limited time. I don't see him during the week. The weekends are pretty much our only time together and I feel like I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I know it's a fine line, but I hope you're starting to at least kinda see the distinction. Spending planned time together is one thing. Remaining constantly open and available (hoping he'll 'grace you with his presence' as you put it) - that's something else and is not healthy for you, him, your M, etc. Waiting til the last minute for him to decide what your weekend looks like is a lot closer to the unhealthy side.