What to do with a fence-sitter

[lester]

JoieDeVivre,

Welcome to board. An important concept to grasp here is that we are each ourselves and need to own our own problems. YOU can't fix his infidelity but you can calmly (important) state what is important to you and let him know what you plan to do if he violates said boundary. Example: "I can not feel intimate with you while you continue to see OW. I will not have s*x with you until she is out of your life." Etc. Don't threaten but do set up clear boundaries of what you will tolerate. It is important to realize as well that the A is not your fault. Marriages for better or worse are a 50/50 proposition and we each need to own our faults but don’t take his share of blame as well (this is common for LBS’s to do).

The key to infidelity is that your partner disrespects you and is pushing your boundaries to see what they can get away with. They have had to push their own boundaries to begin the A and will try to have their cake and eat it as long as it’s given to them. What I mentioned above is an example so if you aren’t comfortable with the consequence then tailor it to your needs as well as your expectation from him. Everyone needs safety and respect in their relationship. It is vital during this period as well. Remember, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.

Meanwhile, by all means GAL and do 180’s. This will help your state of mind as it has others here. But the common thread through all of the techniques is placing importance on you as a human being who deserves to be respected. Our WS’s may love someone else but does not mean they get to trample us. Trust me self-respect and confidence is far more attractive than appeasement.