Hi, Another newbie ... I’ve been lurking and have posted once, but here is my story. I’ll try to keep it short, but it’s quite complicated.
Married for 22 years; one daughter: 14. We have had relationship problems for quite awhile, probably stemming from the fact that I have been sexually inhibited for some time. But I know now that it was caused by problems in the relationship. H can be very critical and condensing, and it’s hard to be intimate after that!
He’s always been very independent. His one love was motorcycles. For the past few years he spent more and more time on his bike, taking overnight trips, etc. I didn’t really care. We weren’t having a real relationship anyway. He also has a drinking problem so it seemed easier not to have him home.
He started an affair in June 2006. I found out when he (and the OW) were involved in an accident on the bike (end of May). Although the accident was not his fault, he is facing DWI and even felony charges for injuring someone (the OW) while he was drinking and driving. Quite a mess, huh?
After the accident, and the A was revealed, I decided to face my problems. I read books on low libido and sexual inhibition and am getting that part of my life back. I know a bad relationship was at the core of my problems. H and I started being intimate again, and it feels so good. But he has not committed to me 100% intimately. He is holding back. He says he does not trust it. I don’t blame him. We had no relationship, frankly I did not want sex, for a long time.
But he is also still involved with OW. He gives several reasons for this such as; she is a key witness in his legal situation; she has no health insurance and is facing major medical bills; he is afraid she will sue if he abandons her, etc. I accepted these reasons but feel they are also just an excuse to keep seeing her.
I know she is pressuring him about the future. I am not doing that – although it’s getting nearly impossible for me to live in a 3-legged marriage. I have read DB and everything else I can get my hands on about affairs, relationships, etc. The more I try to ‘act as if’, etc. the more I feel like a doormat.
The OW is a loser. She is a former drug addict with jail time for DUI. She evaded arrest, moved out of her home, abandoning her kids for a year. She is a bad mother and has a drinking problem. She is married but their relationship is worse off than ours.
I am the exact opposite of that. I live with honesty and integrity. Have a great career. Am a fantastic mother, a Scout leader, etc. The fact that my H is involved with such a low-life is hard to live with. He says he is not sleeping with her any longer, but I know he did at least 2x after d-day. I don’t know how much to trust him now (which really pisses him off).
He is giving me intimacy, but will not commit. He refuses to be transparent. He says he can’t do that. But he is willing to do MC. In fact, we headed down that road before but the therapist wasn’t right for us. Since then, I found another one for me and am doing individual C. However, he is open to going as well.
We get along fine, that has never been our problem. We enjoy each other’s company, sense of humors, etc. He seems to want to spend time with me – and I with him. And we’re talking and communicating. I know many people here aren’t that lucky.
I find myself confused at what to do because H is so independent I don’t think he will care if I 180 or GAL. If I GAL, I am afraid he’ll be just fine with that because he can go out and do whatever he wants too (and he does that already)! I already am very involved with other activities 3 nights a week so what else can I do?
My biggest problem right now is that I’m so resentful at having to live with his ambivalence. He can’t decide between the OW and me? I find that so insulting. I have been so patient the last 3 months but don’t know how much longer I can live in purgatory. I feel I need to force him off the fence or at least make him teeter.
I’m half afraid to do that because he is so self-righteous there is a good chance he may move out. The other half of me is ok with that because I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.
So what does this situation say to all you experienced DBers here? A H who is talking, seems interested, willing to do MC, but unable to break off with OW and independent lifestyle.
Maybe before you give him any ultimatums you should set up counceling and see if that will help H to be less ambivelant and to make his mind up about OW.
Maybe thru MC everything can be brought to the table and hashed out between you and things mat take a turn in your R.
Does H know how you felt about intamacy when he acted like he did?
Maybe he is the way he is because you both drifted into differant directions and now he thinks it's ok (status quo so to speak).
The bike accident thing brings back memories. My SIL found out her H was having an A that way. She dumped his a$$ on the street and nev[quote][/quote]er looked back(he was abusive).
I would definitaly try to do some 180's (do the oppisite of what you were doing)and see what responce you get.
good luck
JAk
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Jak has some very valid points. If he is willing to go to counseling then I think that is your first step. You can not force him to give up OW especially given the situation. Do you know for sure that he is having an intimate relationship with her? Sounds like he is in contact because of the accident and not necessarily because of the relationship.
You state that you found out about the A in May. Most of the books I have read say that it take about 6 to 9 months for the A to die after it has been exposed. I'm just about at the 9 month mark myself and that is the direction his A has been taking over the last 6 weeks.
I know that it is hard to wait, but you need to start making a life for yourself. He will see the changes in you and he will be changing also. I have found it much easier for me when H has been moved out. What I don't know doesn't seem to hurt as much and I'm then able to be upbeat and nice wherever we are together. It took me about 6 months to get to that point though.
Keep posting on this board. You will feel better. There are so many others out there that really understand how you feel.
Faith
H 48 W 57 M 15 yrs T 18 yrs No children EA 1/12/06 Moved out 3/10/07 & 8/16/07 Back on 5/18/07 2nd Thread
Welcome to board. An important concept to grasp here is that we are each ourselves and need to own our own problems. YOU can't fix his infidelity but you can calmly (important) state what is important to you and let him know what you plan to do if he violates said boundary. Example: "I can not feel intimate with you while you continue to see OW. I will not have s*x with you until she is out of your life." Etc. Don't threaten but do set up clear boundaries of what you will tolerate. It is important to realize as well that the A is not your fault. Marriages for better or worse are a 50/50 proposition and we each need to own our faults but don’t take his share of blame as well (this is common for LBS’s to do).
The key to infidelity is that your partner disrespects you and is pushing your boundaries to see what they can get away with. They have had to push their own boundaries to begin the A and will try to have their cake and eat it as long as it’s given to them. What I mentioned above is an example so if you aren’t comfortable with the consequence then tailor it to your needs as well as your expectation from him. Everyone needs safety and respect in their relationship. It is vital during this period as well. Remember, no one can take advantage of you without your permission.
Meanwhile, by all means GAL and do 180’s. This will help your state of mind as it has others here. But the common thread through all of the techniques is placing importance on you as a human being who deserves to be respected. Our WS’s may love someone else but does not mean they get to trample us. Trust me self-respect and confidence is far more attractive than appeasement.
Last edited by lester; 09/21/0705:29 PM.
H 30 (me) W 28 Married 9 yrs 2 children EA found out on 7/5/07 ILYBNILWY 8/25/07 The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates
Thanks for the support. The last couple of days I felt like I had hit a brick wall. H was out of town last night for business, so he says, so it was very much a trigger for me.
He gets angry when I question him, like I should automatically trust him overnight. He seems to forget that he lied to me for a year. For a year, many of his overnight trips were at hotels 20 minutes up the road! So of course I was wondering and fretting. I wasn’t going to ask questions, but he brought it up. He wanted to know what sort of hoops he was going to have to jump through to prove he was going to be alone. What he needs to do to prove he is no longer sleeping with her he is not willing to do.
Quote:
Does H know how you felt about intamacy when he acted like he did?
All he kept saying after the A came out was that "I didn’t want him." He is still saying that -- like it justifies the affair. Well, for the past couple of years I didn’t just want him, I didn’t want to have much to do with him because of the drinking, never being home, sacrificing time with his D (now I know to be with OW), etc.
He says he talked to me but really what he did was criticize and put me down. He even made comments in front of my family like 'you never want to touch me', etc. It was so horribly embarrassing. He did nothing but further the divide between us. Only once do I remember him being compassionate with me about it. We did minimally talk about it a few times, but again, he was always negative, critical and angry.
Now I know why I had problems and I am facing them. He knows that and agrees with my answers.
Quote:
Do you know for sure that he is having an intimate relationship with her?
I know for sure that he slept with her at least twice since d-day. Since then I have no proof. He says he is not. The OW called in the middle of the night a couple weeks ago, drunk and pissed off. She demanded to know if we were having sex. Since then he says she is just looking for companionship. But if OW is so pissed off that he is sleeping with his wife, is she really looking for companionship? Doesn’t make sense to me. Or maybe she is pissed off because he is not sleeping with her! Who knows.
Meanwhile, by all means GAL and do 180’s. This will help your state of mind as it has others here.
I’m reading a lot on this board. Feeling better already. We are supposed to do something tonight but right now I feel like telling him I have other plans! I waited around for him last week when we were supposed to have dinner and he didn’t show up until after 8 pm. (He was with OW and friends and didn’t bother to call me.)
Make him jealous. GAL with some other partners that are more stable. Keep it platonic but show him that you can be with other people who are interested in you.
Me:38 H:39 MLC M:10 R:23 years D6 S3 Bomb: Easter, 2007 "Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day."
Hummmm... I kind of understand your situation because I have some friends who are in MLC and have that fantasy of hooking up with a "bad boy." So... during my divorce I spent a great deal of my summer going out to these places where bikers socialize. Although I know there are plenty of monogomous guys who even have their wives with them, one thing I observed is there are an awful lot of married or like-to-think-they-are-not-married guys who seem to enjoy quite a bit of flirting. I don't know if your husband has this attitude or not. But it seems common in this environment. And when people are drinking, and other people are behaving badly, it can have a negative effect on even the best of people.
So I understand your fears about GALing. However, I do think this is one of those situations where I would be... if you can't beat it join it. Have you ever gone to these places with him? Even if you don't like riding on his bike (heck, I have no desire to ride on the back of any Harley... ever!!! I want comfort and a radio!!!!), but you could still meet him there. Put on some sexy jeans and little skimpy top (like all the other women at these places. The more skin the better) and drive over in your car and join him... or, better yet, go with a group of girlfriends and you do a little flirting too!!! Boy that will get his attention!
I think OW calling to see if you are having sex with your husband indicates she is jealous of you. If she does that again, you need to say, "Of course, I'm married to him. We have sex every night!"
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
I, too, am waiting to see if H 'picks' me. Its a lovely feeling, isn't it? I feel like a consolation prize, a part of the deal that happens to come with his 2 kids. No one deserves to feel that way.
My H is the same way, very independent. In fact, I think he is proud of me, GAL lately. But I don't let it stop me, because I am learning to enjoy it, and become more outgoing.
Hope your stay here is short, but I am glad you found this place, its saved me.
The thing is that's awesome that you took this crisis and turned it into an opportunity. You've done a lot of work on yourself. GOOD JOB!
Now what work has H done on himself? He's an alcoholic. He drinks and drives and he is attracted to lowlife losers.
I think dont worry about ow for the time being. He seriousely could have a felony because of her.
Just work on getting him to a counselor. You enjoy each toher's time, so enjoy it. Don't bring up ow or R talk unless you are at the counselor.
If you want to have sex with him, just make sure you protect yourself. After you get him to a counselor a few times, then you can start discussing this stuff there in safety.
LWB, You're right, waiting to see if you're going to be the 'winner', is lovely. Actually, at the moment I'm not sure I want the prize -- perhaps he's really a booby prize! But the fact that he is waffling between his wife of 22 years, with a successful career, a great mom, etc. and the OW who is the exact opposite of me, is SO INSULTING! Talk about feelings of resentment. His ambivalence is makng me ambivalent!
I, too am enjoying GAL. I could tell him I was going away for a week and I don't think he'd care. But I would have fun, so I don't care what he thinks. I went out last night to my sister's while he stayed home and passed out. He asked me this morning if I had a good time (and what we talked about) and I said yes. Didn't really tell him what we talked about.
Whitelight, Thanks for the inspiring comments. I had not realized this but you're right, I took this crisis and turned it into an opportunity. I feel great about that. No matter what happens between H and me, I know I'll be ok.
And he has done nothing for himself. He's putting off getting help with his drinking for as long as he can. I keep telling him it would be in his favor to get help NOW. I think getting him to a counselor will help with that. First I think he needs to help himself, then our M (if he is indeed interested in doing that).
As far as protecting myself, OW was tested a few months ago ... get this, when she was incarcerated for DUI. (Actually she was jailed because she skipped out on her court date, then had to serve time when she finally turned herself in. Prisons test for STDs and she tested clean.) HE PICKED A WINNER DIDN'T HE!
