I've been D since I think 2/04? I really don't remember the year but I remember that it was final on Valentine's Day. I have DBed off and on for quite some time. I have survived the D and am very involved with my two D's who are 5 and 7 now. I have them Sunday, Monday and Tuesday, I also coach the soccer teams on Wednesday and game day Saturday.
We've had a relatively good R since the D. We've had our ups and downs but this last year has been very smooth, friendly. Since W was WAS, she is gun shy to my feelings, if I get rigid or cold, she responds by acting the same to me. We alter our schedules to to accomodate the girls and it seems to work well. Looks like her family has gotten tired of bailing her out, which I'm so glad has happened.
There has been some ripples in the happiness and we've both had a part in it. I have been stressed over a business deal and X did what she always does, she thinks that she owns the kids and does what she wants. When she doesn't see the girls for awhile, she tends to play power trips with me. She recently moved into a new home and we agreed that we would both register the kids so that I am involved with the girls' studies. We also agreed that she would keep me up to date on her search for a babysitter and let me meet her before she hires her.
Well, she registered the girls witout me and hired the sitter without mentioning anything to me. Mix in a lack of sleep and stress, there came along a big of axiety. I've only had it one time before, so it was hard for me to figure out what was going on. There was a stretch of 2 weeks were I pulled the rope of power struggle back and we both acted like itiots around the girls and even the first day of school because X never put me down in any of the girls registration cards....I flipped out.
Fast forward to the past week. I finally took stock of what happened and did what I had to so that I could work off my axienty, which worked. I called X to appologize and told her about anxiety and to discuss what she had done. X simply accepted my appology and seemed happy, she wouldn't talk about her power struggle. She simply states that she was busy or forgot, her best excuses for her mistakes. I could tell that she felt guilty and was sorry, I wish I could have heard it from her though.
What brings me back here is that as soon as we made up and spoke a bit, all of a sudden there is this activity of calls, talks, "come inside to see my new house", etc. If we meet randomly, it is fine and we speak and hang out for a while with the girls showing me around.
The weird thing is that she will not meet me on a scheduled time to discuss kid related events. I don't care if we email or phone but when I ask to meet to discuss the upbringing of the girls, she makes every excuse not to meet or gets defensive. Her thought of discussing our girls is the 10 minutes we have while exchanging the girls. Too much going on at that time and not enough time, what gives? Why is she so affraid to be with me, alone? Could it be guilt? Could it be that she feels vulnerable around me?
I do have a gf now for almost a year, very SLOW going and keeping it healthy. She has had only a handfull of contact with my girls, but they do like her and she is very sweat and sincere. I mention this because X is going to meet gf Saturday at the soccer games. First time X has met anyone I've dated, first long term gf. I'm ok with it, it doesn't bother me but I wonder if this has anything to do with how she is acting?
Whatever it might be, it has triggered something inside me for the first time. It might be the comments by new soccer parents, new teachers and the common "why don't you workout your problems with the X?." Like I never did. It has been uttered by my gf that we should get back together because we are always in touch or somehow creeping into our R. Sometimes gf sees how X gets to me, gf said once that she feels like she is sharing me with the X emmotionally.
Any thoughts?
Oh I cannot forget to hello to all the DBers that I've met on this site and on the DB events camping and at the beach.
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I can't believe it's been over four years (when I was active on the boards as ANewBob) since the Virginia Beach DB gathering. I remember the wines you brought from the restaurant - they were a big hit with everyone there.
It's wonderful to read how active you are in your Ds' lives. Although I'm still hanging in there (recently opened a thread in the Piecing forum but have not had but one response there), I am struggling with which direction I should go. I recently started up with a very good therapist who is eager to see me "push myself" and regain a great deal of the self-esteem that has been battered for much too long.
What to make of your XW's current actions and reactions? With D5 starting school, she could be having feelings of loss - as if one phase of her life is over and she is taking stock. I know my W felt some sadness about seeing our youngest starting school (also right after her mother passed away - which may have increased the feelings).
It's great that you have found GF and are being very cautions in this new R. From what you have said about XW, don't be surprised if she begins to pursue you after she meets GF. As for her reluctance of being alone with you - let me think on that some more.
Almost Gone (now AGII) is still on the Surviving forum - I think she would appreciate a visit since she was at VA Beach. Feel free to check out my updates - I need to post on my visit yesterday with IC. But work awaits...
Bob
Me 52, STBEX 52 D 17, S 12 M 20 years Em Sep since 2002, Phys Sep Sept 2009
Yup I remember camping. Good to hear from you...I kinda thought you fell off the face of the earth.
Don't sweat how she reacts to the conversations about raising the kids. Just let it be, at least you're getting those 10 minutes. Maybe as time goes on, that may change.
I agree with your gf. She is sharing you emotionally. A large percentage of this post was asking if there was hidden meaning to your wife's action. You wonder if the fact you have a gf have anything to do with your wife's actions. I would say that you are very focused on her. The "power struggle" that you perceived may have actually been all in your head. It is possible that she sees herself as the real parent and it's a hassle to have to get approval for all that stuff. I've learned that my XW will do the same thing, but I'm not sure that it's with me in mind or not. If you want to be informed of school things, then get to school and do it yourself. Why, after being D this long are you still wondering what her motivations are? I would say that there is an emotional connection still that isn't healthy for a new relationship.
So my answers to your questions: 1) Why isn't she comfortable around you? Who is comfortable around their ex and why does it matter? Why do you want a "comfortable" relationship anyway? You are seeing someone else and your gf has ever reason to be upset. It would be very hard to be best buddies, especially since you have a girlfriend. Plus, your wife divorced you, and so she may not want you for anything other than the father of your shared kids.
2) She showed you the house. So what? You were once part of her life and are the father of her kids. Why wouldn't she? I think that sounds like human nature. She's happy with her house and so is willing to share that with you. It might not mean anything in terms of feelings for you, but I get the feeling that you think that's what it could mean. I saw my XW's house when she bought it too and that was like 4 years ago and meant nothing to me and probably not to her other than she was excited about it.
3) Is it really necessary to have big discussions about the kids on a routine basis? I would think for important issues that it's necessary, but setting aside time to meet seems unnecessary. Can't these things be addressed as they arise (which can't be that often). I wonder if maybe you want that time with your XW and it's more about you than the kids. I could see why your gf has a problem with always "keeping in touch". Your XW may be uncomfortable with meeting for these talks because she thinks you are hung up on her still, and maybe you are...in fact, since you're posting, you probably are. So why wouldn't that make her uncomfortable. She can't have these discussions with you because she might be leading you on.
Those are just my thoughts.
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
Yeah it's sad I know. I'm still lurking here for the last 5 years. Was actually doing a search on 'Berto' to see if you sneaked a post in the last few years.
Your sitch still sounds screwed but alot better after all that ED and mental crap. Can definitely see some healing going on but still some way to go.
The fact that you posted here looking to sort things out tells me that you are kinda torn between the ex and the gf. The fact that gf notices those things doesn't really bode well for the R.
I'm sure you'll work it out and the good people here will help you get there.
God Bless,
Suit
"It's better to have no spouse than have a bad spouse"
Why do I feel responding to your post is going to set me back years of hard work. LOL Just taking a deap breath before I explain myself better. Here goes.......
I think what gf sees is X's trying to keep emotional strings attached and sometime it works because she baits me with my Ds. I admit, sometimes I take the bait. Gf has become a good barometer on what I am doing and keeping me straight.
Discussions about the girls never have happened, the X simply does whatever she wants with my Ds. I have simply documented everything she has done and will speak to my L about her many violations of our custody order. After this last spat, I have come the conlusion that whatever X does to me will roll off my back and I will use my L to communicate my wishes. This of course will not be a long term action, I hope soon X will abide by the custody agreement. Regardless, her actions as far as the kids go will never upset me because I know she either is playing power trips or doesn't know any better.
The discussions about raising the girls is very important because of the choices X has made without me and has put our Ds in some pickles in the past. Some include hiring a sitter without knowing her last name, her address or home address. All she had was a first name and mobile number. The other sitter didn't speak English, at all. She leaves a 4 and 6 year old home for an hour while she goes jogging or a few doors over to have drinks. Do you get the picture? Not a very smart person, but in her eyes she is making the right choices. Understand why I want to keep a close eye on my girls?
I am keeping a healthy R with gf but it seems that I have peeled a layer that I was going to have to peel one day. I didn't think that it would be so weird, but I have to proceed. I am respecting gf and moving past issues with X. It is my first R that is very safe for me, no rushing to the alter, not "where do we stand?" type woman.
I have been thinking about my boundaries and forming what is a parent zone and what is not. I just have to enforce my boundaries now.
I feel that X contacts me more now than when we were M, she has told me and my parents that she gets mad if I don't return emails or phone calls right away. She has that entire "I love you/ I hate you" game down pat. Just want to shed a little light on how she opperates.
Just Me, you have made some good points that I had to ponder. Like why I was curious that she calls on a regular basis but won't meet with me over coffee? Something I just don't understand but now I know that...........I don't have to understand, it is what it is. I also am going to take that part of me focusing on my X lately and put it back into my R with gf. She deserves that and I do not want her to feel that she is second in my heart.
Well, that was supposed to be a quick re-post but I get long winded. Oh well, what are ya going to do?
Thanks,
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I am so happy that you posted to me, it has been a long time. I went dark here because I felt I was not moving forward. I tend to do things cold turkey.
Yeah, something crept up on me, those weird feelings I used to get for the X. Not a big deal, but I wanted to sort them out. I tried doing that with the gf and that just failed in a catistrophic way. Why am I so easily fooled by women when they tell me that they can handle it, to open up and share things with them? How did I think talking to gf about X was going to be constructive? LOL
I'm glad you found me Suited and yes, I am the CabanaBoy.
Thanks,
Berto
I believe that dreams are more powerful than facts,that laughter is the only cure for grief. And I believe that love is stronger than death
I think it actually needed all that long-wind. That was very informative. Now that you gave all that clarification, I would have to say that your final paragraph or so sounded good. I don't know what's up with your ex. Some of those things you said may be the truth. Sorry to get the wrong impression.
Sounds like she doesn't make good choices. And now that you point that out, perhaps she doesn't want to meet for exactly that reason...she doesn't want her poor choices pointed out. I honestly think you need to mostly consider your kids' safety, but you will probably mostly just be trying to be the rolemodel parent for your kids. Could you suggest that you will "babysit" if you have nothing else going on? In the long run, she is going to do whatever she is going to do and you'll have little control over it.
Berto, what if she wanted to try again with you?
In the end, it's not the years in your life that count. It's the life in your years. Abraham Lincoln
It is hard to fail, but it is worse never to have tried to succeed. Theodore Roosevelt
