There and Back, #6

[mkultra]

He is sick but he is not your child. He is a man but he needs to cowboy up for himself, you and his kids. Morgan, I am sure he will appreciate all that you have done for him. You have been his rock, but if he is truly sick, and I believe MLC counts as a "sickness", the emotional abuse from the affair crosses that "better or worse" boundary. Do you think the anniversary and memories of the previous year are also on his mind? Does he openly talk to you about your upcoming anniversary or does he just ignore it?

Re: Wizard of Oz. I am shocked that my D6 1st grade teacher read this original novel to them. It is a very violent story filled with many ideologies and metaphors concerning socialism and capitalism, etc. The movie is also very frightening with the witch and the monkeys but the rest seems fine. The music is great. It was our Thanksgiving tradition when we were kids.

Good luck with your goals. I am sorry about Vegas. I mentioned to my H I would be fun too if I got to do all the things they do while they are having an affair, dinner, camping, concerts, hanging out all day with no kids or a real job getting high and drunk. But that is not happiness. That is a depressing addiction. It is an addiction. A nightmare. Your H may be going through a similar wake up from his addiction.

[Reincarnated]

Morgan--That must be so hard to watch. It seems that he is wavering, that the guilt is getting to him.

I know that I'd like to get my H to read the book that I am reading (After the Affair), but I have no idea how to get it into his hands--it is enabling, trying to fix things for him. It is so hard to sit back...Is there a title that you can direct his mom to, that she can give to him? Moms are in a better position to "fix" things; isn't it what we are expected to do?

As far as you taking care of you and giving him the space and time to walk his own walk--it goes to show just how strong you are. We will all hope and pray that he watches your example...

[SallyM]

thanks. mk, you are absolutely right, I do agree it is a sickness, and that I am not his mother, he needs to do this for himself. I'm just back from the gym and honestly, the more I think about it, this really doesn't have anything to do with me...I think he's missing the kids, the new job was a mistake, that stuff. I think he's bummed because his old companie's national meeting is next week and he isn't a part of it...they are always a ton of fun, and he's missing out. not to mention, OW will be there, not here. and I'm sure its very stressful living in limbo...sometimes with her, sometimes with his mom, but no real home. and I do wonder if its partly the march of time...my house looks like the fall-fairy waved her wand over it right now. it looks nice, homey, a new season upon us. maybe the upcoming holidays, which I have thought so much about, are finally starting to hit him.

it doesn't really matter, because again, he needs to figure all this out for himself.

no, he doesn't bring up our anniversary at all. not sure he even gives it a passing thought...he's really put me/us aside, and has focused on his R with ow. but its a huge reason why I need to be very dark that day...we're talking pitch dark. because I don't want to hear the pity in his voice, I don't want him to say anything about the day, and not saying anything will hurt, too. there is no winning as far as dealing with him that day, except to concentrate on my children/the blessings of the marriage, and to take care of myself.

enough about him. I am putting him out of my mind for now. back to me. going to spend the rest of the day on me and the kids. my weekend with them is now booked, btw. going up to my parents tomorrow and taking them apple picking, then on sunday my MIL is coming down with her bf and we are going to a closer place that has pumpkins and a corn maze.

the novel, the wizard of oz is scary, am wondering about the movie, though...will it be too intense for them? what do you think?

[SallyM]

thanks, donna. nope, not going to give any of the books I have to H. I have several, including some really good parenting/dealing with kids and divorce ones. he knows I have them and that they are available to him. if he wants them, he will need to ask, or even just go get them out of my room. or hell, the man knows where barnes and noble is, go find some for himself.

same with his mom. she needs to step back, too, and be there for him, but let him deal with things on his own. she has spent a good part of her life trying to make up for things she couldn't give him...she and her mother made things so easy for him in so many ways, tried to fix things. he needs to do this on his own. if he is never left alone to fix things on his own, how will he ever be able to? interesting that you say we as parents are there to fix things. I think its instict to, but I think in the long run, its detrimental to our kids. I think yes, we do to a certain extent, but they need to learn to fix things on their own. its something I struggle with, but know I'm going to be a better parent, and my kids will be better off, if I learn now to let them make their own mistakes/learn from them. H never learned to do this, so now as an adult, he doesn't know how.

if he wants help, he knows he can find it, he knows he only has to ask and I'll be happy to lend him a book, or help him find a therapist. but he has to be the one to ask...I won't lead him to it, or have his mom lead him to it.

in fact, I talked to my MIL this morning. I didn't go into details things, she just noticed he seemed sad, and we talked a bit about how we both have to step back and let him be.

I hope he will get help...I hope he will be okay, but there is nothing more I can do at this point. and wow, what a challenge that is, to step back. but I'm doing it...and so is she.

[Reincarnated]

I think because I was left to my own devices so much as a kid, I want to be the one who at least shows my kids the opportunities available to them. I don't fix things, but make sure that they know about their choices. I think this is what I was trying to do with my H, but when he didn't take advantage of any of the resources, I got very frustrated.
With the kids, they know about different activities they can sign up for, diff opportunities, diff ways of completing homework, etc., but then their choices are up to them, natural consequences.

I can't even do this for H at all, now. Nothing. He doesn't want it.

But at the same time, he took at least 6 relationship books with him when he left, and hasn't returned them when I asked about them. So, who the he!! knows what is in that man's head...

[nephartiti]

Morgan,

If you are this hesitant to show a particular movie, I think you know your answer. I do this too, and then realize, "If I have to think about it this much, then it probably isn't a good idea." Stick with a movie you are COMPLETELY comfortable with. There's lots out there. Wizard of OZ will always be there later on when you have no doubt they will enjoy it.

As for your H, I am so proud of you. You certainly have come a long way! I have read over and over again that the key is to delve into that what does not come naturally to us and to 180 our comfort zones, our more of the same. You are making huge strides in your development, not just baby steps. Be patient with your H, he has to finish this on his own (as you already know).

Have a great weekend. Sounds like everyone's doing movies tonight. Sounds like a great idea. I think I'll follow suit. The kids love it, especially when there's popcorn involved

[LL44]

hey morgan, just wanted to say hi. I have my own kid and 2 neighborhood kids, one under 1 here. So I better keep an eye on him.

I will catch up with you tonight, my lady.

[SallyM]

donna, the difference is that he's a grown man, not a child, so we can't parent them. it sucks, because if we see something, know something that might help, its hard to sit back and let them figure it out on their own. its a good sign that he took the books...he'll open them if/when he's ready. My h wouldn't even think about taking a book, not even one to help the kids deal with things. not his style. just figures it will all work out however he wants things to, kids are resilient, etc, etc. Its frustrating, but the only thing I can do is be strong and grow on my own, and hope someday he'll find his own way.

neph, I did end up showing them the wizard of oz. I decided to do it as an afternoon movie, though, so if it was too scary they would be okay (knock wood) for bedtime. they LOVED it. they were scared of the witch, but loved the rest of it. they literally gasped (all 3) when she opened the door to munchkinland. it was so cute. we all snuggled on the couch and watched. if they have nightmares/can't sleep tonight, I have only myself to blame...but I don't think they will. they are already clamoring to watch it again.

thanks for the kind words. I wish I felt as strong as I come across sometimes. well, I take that back, I do feel strong...just wish I felt like things were going my way. there is a difference there.

lwb, sounds like a very full house! I almost invited a friend and her kids over, then changed my mind and decided to just hang with my kids. if you are around, I will see you tonight.

[SallyM]

I know I promised to get the focus back on myself, but I can't help but think a little about H...am wondering if part of the trigger has to do with the fact that the future is cemented in his mind. that he knows he's moving forward, away from me, and that ensures this will be his life with the kids...not seeing them daily, and when he does see them, only for a small amount of time.

the more I think about it, the more I know it has nothing to do with me. as much as I want this to be about his feelings for me/missing me/etc, he's been pretty clear that its more about the kids, and somewhat about his job.

just makes me a little sad, I guess.

[SallyM]

well, the kids are in bed, and the thing I really should be doing is figuring out why my upstairs air conditioning isn't working. its hot as hades in my house today, and I had it on, but when I went upstairs it is not working...ran outside and nope, not working. ack! think I'm okay waiting till spring to have it figured out? or should I call the air conditioning people now? doubt I'll need it again this year, so if it can be put off, I'd rather.

while I'm debating, I think I'm going to go ahead and pour a glass of wine and try not to wallow too much. I'm getting sadder by the minute...not about h's spiral, but about the fact that he is on a plane headed to vegas with OW. I'm 99% certain she's with him, at least. half tempted to call the hotel and find out, but nope, not gonna, not gonna do it, nope.

sigh.