why don't I listen to my own stories?

[BryanS]

That OT post was outstanding. Really what I needed to hear because I think I'm one of those people "chasing the cat". I guess for me, it feels like giving up if I do what OT's talking about which is why I haven't. But, truth is, W is probably not going to come back with the way I have been acting even though I have improved some things. It's so damn depressing though, coming home from a trip and having no one at home and no one to call who cares that I'm home safe. Sorry for the thread hijack.

Good luck, 99.

[Trixi]

Well, here we are 10pm on Thursday and he has not mentioned a thing about this weekend. We have talked a couple times during the week because of our daughter. I did not bring up the weekend, and he didn't either.
I have a class Saturday morning.
I refuse to call to find out wth is going on.
I am not in a good way tonight.

My mother asked me tonight- if I keep sleeping with him, and he comes back, how will I know that he came back for me? I said "well, he could go get sex anywhere" and she said "You forget two things- one, he would have to go thru the trouble of actually working for it and two, he risks catching something-possibly life threatening." (The undertone to that is that if he *doesn't* have to work for it, then they are probably a skanky ho and far more likely to have some sort of STD.)

I feel like we aren't getting anywhere. I know that I have made progress compared to when he first announced he thought he should move out, but I wonder if I am just being used as a bandaid while he continues on his quest to find someone else. How are we ever going to change the dynamic if we just end up doing more of the same? BLAH

[NikB]

Well, here we are 10pm on Thursday and he has not mentioned a thing about this weekend. We have talked a couple times during the week because of our daughter. I did not bring up the weekend, and he didn't either.
I have a class Saturday morning.
I refuse to call to find out wth is going on.
I am not in a good way tonight.

How many more weekends are you going to put yourself through this Agent99???

I can either repost my advice from last time this happened, or you can go read it again... either way, it's exactly the same.

[NikB]

Decided to repost it in case you don't feel like scrolling back. This is from last weekend. Why do you keep choosing to do this to yourself??? (you don't have to answer here of course unless you want to, but it's something to think about)

I was driving home and basically thinking that it was ridiculous that I was waiting to see if I was going to be graced with his highness' presence

GOOD!!! You really need to get this drummed into your head. I know it's hard, and I even remember that moment when I 'got' this too. Takes longer to begin to act on it, though.

He KNOWS you are sitting there waiting for his presence. Probably enjoying the ego boost / power trip, too. He's got control over your life in this way.

and I had decided that if he didn't call by 5:30 (near the end of his work day) I was going to make plans. He called at 4:30 and said that he wasn't going to be going, so he was free tonight and tomorrow and did I 'want to go to a movie or something?' He just made it under the wire.

Suggestion for you - keep backing up this time line. 5:30 the same day is ridiculously short notice (as is 4:30). You're holding your entire weekend open "just in case" until the very last possible minute. He knows this... and ultimately it's going to cause you some resentment, too. Trust me. You'll start getting annoyed that he hasn't called to plan anything yet to "let" you plan something if you want to. It's hard to explain but it's a lot of pressure and expectations on him, and a loss of self-respect and self-worth for you. I hope that makes some sense.

I'd actually suggest backing up that time line by at LEAST a day, if not two or three. If that's too much... start with noon on Friday.. work your way up to Weds or Thurs. It's up to you if you tell him you're doing this or not, but I'd lean towards not telling him. Show him through action (not being available every moment in case he decides to grace you with his presence). I'm not saying play games - I'm saying TRULY get out and Get A Life!!! (hint, sitting around waiting for someone to decide at the last minute if you're worthy of their time is NOT a life). The reason I'd suggest not telling him a specific "deadline" is that it still gives him control over you. By not making it specific, YOU decide each day or week what your personal deadline is. And sometimes you might (and should) even plan stuff weeks or months away - so in those cases the "noon on Wednesday deadline" wouldn't apply.

Please stop putting your life on hold Agent99 - it's not attractive to him and it's not respectful at all to yourself. Trust me - been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and just got myself another one recently. (new goal: don't end up with an entire closet full of these damn shirts!)

I'm not sure if you follow Heimlich's thread in newcomers but it's worth reading the "puppy" analogy someone recently posted there.

[Dom R]

..."he risks catching something-possibly life threatening."

That, is actually a perfectly valid reason (of many) to get married. Actual "safe sex", as opposed to what the media claims is "safe sex".

So, no reason to knock that, i think

I think you already have mentioned the answer to Nikki's question, on "how much longer..". that would be the "3 months" in your agreement, right?

I wonder if I am just being used as a bandaid while he continues on his quest to find someone else.

Being in the gray area of not knowing, can be horrible. I can certainly empathise with that.

If his words are to be believed, it doesnt seem like you are in that position. And overall, I think he has been fairly truthful to you. he has told you that he intended to date other women, and he did. he told you that he was done with that. and his actions up until now seem to back that up.

He may choose to just have a quiet weekend to himself. to compare and constrast everything. If he does... that's no reason to get all worried. In some ways, it could be a very good thing.
Having him get in touch with himself, for himself... rather than focus all his energies on chasing after other people... could be a very good thing, dont you think?

Hang in there. Enjoy your class. Have fun getting in touch with YOU

PS: and as Nikki implies: definately dont cancel your saturday plans on his account, if he suddenly decides to call at the last minute again. To expect you to just drop everything for him, after he didnt have the consideration to plan it with you first, would be rude on his part.

[NikB]

Dom - no, that doesn't answer my question actually, but glad you posted that so I could clarify.

Agent99 you have a class Saturday morning. That is GREAT!! Enjoy every minute of it.

Now - what are you doing Friday night? Saturday afternoon and night? Sunday?? I'm going to take a guess that you're waiting for H to answer that question for you, to fill up your weekend, to keep you entertained. I hope I'm wrong... but based on your post about waiting for him to call, I doubt it. He doesn't WANT the role of your only friend, your entertainment coordinator, sole provider of your fun and happiness.. it's too much.

I think you really need to do one of two things to take control of this weekend issue:

1. Invite H to something. Not a vague "let's do something this weekend" but something very specific. Invite him to a movie, to go skydiving, whatever it is. Be prepared to be rejected, and if he's wishy-washy consider it a no (and don't ask again). If he goes - cool! You get some time together, and you've stepped up and taken some kind of control of your life and your time again. If he doesn't - oh well! Do whatever it was by yourself or with a friend, or plan something else fun and fulfilling.

2. Plan your weekend out FOR YOU. Pretend H doesn't exist, what would you be doing for fun, fulfillment, etc?? Do those things. If he then calls at 5:30 on Friday and wants to see you... oops, too late, you HAVE a life and you already have plans. In fact, I'd challenge you to plan a weekend so full and busy (with things you are looking forward to) that you really don't have time to see him. I'd love to see you do that this weekend but I know it's already Friday - so maybe next weekend. I'm not saying do this ALL the time, I'm saying do it once and really see what happens. I think it'll let you both test H's reaction, and learn a lot about yourself. If it makes you incredibly anxious, it tells you that you are WAY WAY to dependent on your H (at least, that's how I finally realized it).

You read OT's water cooler post right? I see you as the person jumping up to rush over to the water cooler the second you see the other person headed in that direction. In fact you're sitting at your desk just HOPING the other person MIGHT get up and go get some water.

I've seen myself that way numerous times so I'm not trying to beat you up, just trying to help you see it from an outside perspective and especially see WHY it's so harmful to you and your M.

[Trixi]

Thanks guys.
I am definitely keeping the class;no doubt about it.

Tough thing will be drumming up *something* to do tonight. I was NOT waiting to see what he would suggest; it's been a busy week and even this second I am not sure how late into the evening I will need to work. Obviously, if I don't have to work until 9pm, I am not going to drag it out just to have something to do- but I could see where I might end up having to work that late.

I guess you're right Dom. Right now I am feeling vulnerable and more attached to him than I want, but your perspective is good. Yes, he has been fairly truthful from what I can tell.


Funny thing that he doesn't know-- we are about to be forced into a month of celibacy on Monday. I am having a female procedure done Wednesday that will mean no sex for a month and no sex for two days prior to Wednesday. I cancelled this procedure back in March because I didn't want to cut him off for an entire month, knowing that we weren't on solid ground. I debated putting off the procedure this time for the same reason and have decided that since it deals with my health, I am not going to do that again.

I have had the following thought that maybe the Universe/God has stepped in: I am too weak to just cut him off with no "real" reason for me to stick to my guns. (Isn't it interesting that protecting myself from being hurt isn't a "real" enough reason?) I do believe that if I want to see his true colors, sex needs to be eliminated (for a time.) I do believe that if we are going to change the dynamic and have a deeper relationship, we are going to have to not rely on sex to be the only avenue to intimacy. It seems that it is to the point that I need to make a change because I am not happy with the direction we are going. The timing of the procedure is actually quite good and will "force" me to actually adhere to what I say.

At this point he has been moved out for 6 weeks. I suppose I could put off the procedure for another 6 weeks (ie, when the 3 months is up).....I just don't know.

I can hope that if he doesn't come over this weekend it's so he can be introspective--however, he has been keeping himself so busy, I am not positive he will do that. Especially since he hates living in an apartment. Oh well. It's his deal.

Hey Nikki- are you and your H being intimate?

Edited to add - Nikki, we crossed posted- I am going to go and read your post right now.

[Trixi]

2. Plan your weekend out FOR YOU. Pretend H doesn't exist, what would you be doing for fun, fulfillment, etc?? Do those things. If he then calls at 5:30 on Friday and wants to see you... oops, too late, you HAVE a life and you already have plans. In fact, I'd challenge you to plan a weekend so full and busy (with things you are looking forward to) that you really don't have time to see him. I'd love to see you do that this weekend but I know it's already Friday - so maybe next weekend. I'm not saying do this ALL the time, I'm saying do it once and really see what happens. I think it'll let you both test H's reaction, and learn a lot about yourself. If it makes you incredibly anxious, it tells you that you are WAY WAY to dependent on your H (at least, that's how I finally realized it).

Heh- right now an ideal weekend would be staying at home and doing next to nothing. I don't want to 'do' something the entire weekend and I hate that in order to 'prove' I have my own life, I need to get out of the house and be busy. I am naturally an introvert and when I get very busy with work (where I am forced to be more extroverted) I get pretty tired and long for my 'nest'. H's presence does not interfere with my 'nest' in the least. So, it's not so much that I look to him for my entertainment (I can be perfectly happy crafting/making beads/reading at home) - I just want to spend time with him. Still pressure, right?

The thing that makes me anxious about rebuffing him has more to do with limited time. I don't see him during the week. The weekends are pretty much our only time together and I feel like I would be cutting off my nose to spite my face. We have probably spoken a total of 45 minutes on the phone this past week, and that is WAY more than usual.

I totally get that you aren't beating me up Nikki. And I certainly appreciate your input because I totally see our similarities. I have been watching your thread; very glad you spoke up about your H attending OW bday party. I like what the MC had to say to you, too.

[Dom R]

hey there...
I would suggest only one thing different from Nikki:
I would say not to completely fill your weekend, but leave some kind of spot open, that would potentially be available, IF he took initiative to want to do something with you.

Maybe even something planned, that is only a "backup plan".
As I've said before, I dont think that "playing hard to get" is good for him.

Funny thing that he doesn't know-- we are about to be forced into a month of celibacy on Monday. I am having a female procedure done Wednesday that will mean no sex for a month and no sex for two days prior to Wednesday.

Well, that doesnt actually mean you are going to be "forced into celebacy". That just means that "traditional sexual intercourse is not possible". But there's a whole lot more to "sex" than that.

I do believe that if we are going to change the dynamic and have a deeper relationship, we are going to have to not rely on sex to be the only avenue to intimacy.

That is certainly a choice for you to make.
However, it may not be the right choice, at this time.
if you decide to go this route... please be explicit to your H about what you are doing. Dont use the surgery as an excuse for it. Because, if you were normally married, any husband would reasonably expect "other favours" from you during that time.

You should expect pressure from your husband about that. If you plan to block him directly to avoid that, saying up front, "Well, i'm going to have this proceedure, and you're not going to get ANYTHING from me during that period"... that may stop him from pressuring you about it. (maybe ) but it will build a whole lot of resentment in him about it. In my opinion, rightfully so.

From his perspective, it would be a test of YOU.
if you took the attitude of, "Well, i'm not getting any, so you arent either!"... that would show you as a selfish spouse.
A month is a long time.

Either way, i hope your health stays good.

[Trixi]

I am waffling.

I *could* put the procedure off 6 weeks. We are supposed to officially revisit things at the 3 month point which would be the end of October beginning of November.

All of a sudden, I am wondering if by putting the kibosh on sex (when he has only been out 6ish weeks and we have only been "dating" for 3ish weeks) is such a good idea. It seems like such a short time period.