Lissie: I understand why it doesn't sound like a good idea. I'm tired of being confused with her. I've been a really good and supportive friend to her over the past couple of weeks, she's been able to lean on me whenever she wants. I was and am fine with that as long as we were dating, which is what she told me a couple of weeks ago. Or if not dating then at least holding, not sliding back, not going forward; that would be OK too. Two nights ago, it sounded like we're definetly going back and if that's the case, I'm not going to be her BFF anymore; I can't be because it's too difficult for me to do that and still proceed with D.
Plus, and maybe this is bad to admit, I'm angry because I feel like I've been led on here. She said things and did things during my visit and afterwards that indicated she still has strong feelings for me. Then the past two nights she's made comments indicating that we're going to D. I understand that she's probably confused too and that would be fine if it weren't for the hearing date three weeks away, proceeding with which seems to have become her default setting. I'm a nice guy with a good job and no obvious defects; I deserve someone who at the very least respects me. If that's not her, and this pattern of behavior indicates it may not be, then I want to know that so I can push on.
I'll be the first to admit that this is not DB thinking. I'm angry and frustrated and hurt and disappointed and hopeless. And I feel stuck in a cycle where she gives me hope with one hand and takes it away with the other. The whole time this is happeneing, I'm getting the sensation that she's moving us cloer to the D while I haven't been paying attention. Like a magic trick, I've been watching the hand that says "yes, I still care for you" while the other hand is pulling the strings on ending the marriage. I'm tired of being yo-yo'd. If that makes me weak or not zen enough to sucessfully do DB, then OK.
