Out of curiosity, if you didn't change at all and suddenly your wife started acting "perfectly," would you really feel okay about your marriage? I ask this to point out that you probably want to have self-trust and self confidence for yourself so that's why it's good to focus on getting that first - because it will give you REAL and PERMANENT results and it's something you are in control of. Relying on a wife who has her own issues to help you is probably not the best route to take.
“Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy with Trauma Survivors; Strengthening Attachment Bonds” by Susan Johnson says this is not necessarily so. See this post I made, particularly the 5th point:
What may be expected to resolve conflict and foster relationship satisfaction then is not so much new insights or new contracts about pragmatic issues, but the emotional attunement and responsiveness that make for a more secure bond. (p. 47)
