Hi, Another newbie ... I’ve been lurking and have posted once, but here is my story. I’ll try to keep it short, but it’s quite complicated.
Married for 22 years; one daughter: 14. We have had relationship problems for quite awhile, probably stemming from the fact that I have been sexually inhibited for some time. But I know now that it was caused by problems in the relationship. H can be very critical and condensing, and it’s hard to be intimate after that!
He’s always been very independent. His one love was motorcycles. For the past few years he spent more and more time on his bike, taking overnight trips, etc. I didn’t really care. We weren’t having a real relationship anyway. He also has a drinking problem so it seemed easier not to have him home.
He started an affair in June 2006. I found out when he (and the OW) were involved in an accident on the bike (end of May). Although the accident was not his fault, he is facing DWI and even felony charges for injuring someone (the OW) while he was drinking and driving. Quite a mess, huh?
After the accident, and the A was revealed, I decided to face my problems. I read books on low libido and sexual inhibition and am getting that part of my life back. I know a bad relationship was at the core of my problems. H and I started being intimate again, and it feels so good. But he has not committed to me 100% intimately. He is holding back. He says he does not trust it. I don’t blame him. We had no relationship, frankly I did not want sex, for a long time.
But he is also still involved with OW. He gives several reasons for this such as; she is a key witness in his legal situation; she has no health insurance and is facing major medical bills; he is afraid she will sue if he abandons her, etc. I accepted these reasons but feel they are also just an excuse to keep seeing her.
I know she is pressuring him about the future. I am not doing that – although it’s getting nearly impossible for me to live in a 3-legged marriage. I have read DB and everything else I can get my hands on about affairs, relationships, etc. The more I try to ‘act as if’, etc. the more I feel like a doormat.
The OW is a loser. She is a former drug addict with jail time for DUI. She evaded arrest, moved out of her home, abandoning her kids for a year. She is a bad mother and has a drinking problem. She is married but their relationship is worse off than ours.
I am the exact opposite of that. I live with honesty and integrity. Have a great career. Am a fantastic mother, a Scout leader, etc. The fact that my H is involved with such a low-life is hard to live with. He says he is not sleeping with her any longer, but I know he did at least 2x after d-day. I don’t know how much to trust him now (which really pisses him off).
He is giving me intimacy, but will not commit. He refuses to be transparent. He says he can’t do that. But he is willing to do MC. In fact, we headed down that road before but the therapist wasn’t right for us. Since then, I found another one for me and am doing individual C. However, he is open to going as well.
We get along fine, that has never been our problem. We enjoy each other’s company, sense of humors, etc. He seems to want to spend time with me – and I with him. And we’re talking and communicating. I know many people here aren’t that lucky.
I find myself confused at what to do because H is so independent I don’t think he will care if I 180 or GAL. If I GAL, I am afraid he’ll be just fine with that because he can go out and do whatever he wants too (and he does that already)! I already am very involved with other activities 3 nights a week so what else can I do?
My biggest problem right now is that I’m so resentful at having to live with his ambivalence. He can’t decide between the OW and me? I find that so insulting. I have been so patient the last 3 months but don’t know how much longer I can live in purgatory. I feel I need to force him off the fence or at least make him teeter.
I’m half afraid to do that because he is so self-righteous there is a good chance he may move out. The other half of me is ok with that because I don’t know how much longer I can live like this.
So what does this situation say to all you experienced DBers here? A H who is talking, seems interested, willing to do MC, but unable to break off with OW and independent lifestyle.
