Looking backward but only to look forward SIX

[sage]

First off, Pam, thanks for the birthday wishes! It was a really nice day -- I took it off from work and really pampered myself with time alone and fun things.

"One thing I'm finding is that this phase in my life is resulting in me being mad as hell about crap that happened years and years ago...well before we rebuilt our marriage. Yes, I'm finding myself mired in thoughts about xow and the crap that h put us through."

Why? What is the same now as what was going on then? Something in your lives is triggering this stuff. Can you identify it?

I've been thinking about this all week. My first thought is akin to something I read in "Oprah" (gotta give credit where credit is due!) -- that I'm feeling "overextended and underappreciated" -- I guess that sort of sums it up at the highest level. When the bomb hit, h was obviously pretty absent from our "life" together -- when he was "around", it was Mr judgement and angry man that showed up, not Mr. helpful and what can I do to ease your burden -- earlier this week I would have said it was primarily Mr unhelpful that was here but he's been joined by mr. angry and muttering under his breath. So, that's supremely annoying and reminiscent of how it was -- he's just irked and distant and annoyed and holier than thou. Blech.

So, I'm still feeling as though I'm doing 90% of the work for our lives and getting, seriously, no acknowledgement for it. I thank him for every f*&^*)( thing that he does and he barely responds to whatever I'm doing except to criticize or roll his eyes or just be an A$$.

Part of me feels like it's me and Charlotte against the world but tonight when I was putting her to bed, I looked down at her sleepy face and made a promise that I would try to fix this -- I'm angry and tired and just demoralized beyond words but I will try to fix this. I gotta clean my crap up -- same as I did before -- and just let things fall where they may. I want to feel as though I did what I could.

What's bugging h? where to start?

1. He's irked by the messiness of the house

2. He's irked by not having enough time together/time to relax.

3. He feels that Charlotte has the run of the house.

That's where I'll start.

One thing I can do TODAY is to shut the hell up. If I go back to saying 50% of what I want to say I know I'll hear more....plus I'll conserve energy.

I intend to be back tomorrow. Really.

Sage

PS H is going away next week for training so it's a good time for me to get my head screwed on straight.

[oldtimer]

Do you have a decent safe area roped off for Charlotte?

If not, spend the money to buy two Friendly Toys Playzone sets. Use them to build a big, but reasonably sized play area. Get some very cheap plastic shelves from Walmart, along with very cheap small baskets. Attach the shelves to the Playzone so they won't fall over. We used the very durable plastic zipper ties that come with some trash bags to do so.

Then, put all her toys in it, organize it. Spend five minutes a day tidying it.

Presto.

[sage]

Oldtimer -- you have such great advice. Thanks for taking the time to come by.

My plan for next week is to get the house in order -- we'll see how I do. None of us are particularly "clutter free" though we tend to see our own clutter as ok and judge that of the other. I really just plain and simple want to get into the habit of tidying up every day...I know the "flybaby" system but I've been terrible about implementing it. I've told myself that it's because h viewed it as time away from him (he won't do it with me at this point...I've asked and he says "yes" and then won't) but I think the messiness of the house has risen higher in irritation level than the lack of time together for him right now so I'll realign my efforts to meet that.

The other thing I need to do is stop reacting to him. I mentioned that I need to shut up -- and that's true -- but I have to stop reacting to his mutterings...I need to keep my mouth closed and my "as if" attitude high. To some that probably sounds invalidating but I've noticed that if I don't react to every little irritation that he has he still has a chance to blow off steam without having everything become a big issue. The key, though, is that I can't react negatively.

Sigh. This reminds me of living with my father...and that's not a good thing.

I'm not going to even try to tackle the "time together" right now...I'm going to focus on organizing the house and creating more quiet and less reaction.

Sage

[oldtimer]

Seriously, our playzone area is a lifesaver. It is a lot more than being organized (which we aren't, lol).

Newtimer is safe in it and very independent. And, she has a BLAST in it. She plays happily by herself for 45 minutes with NO interaction required by us. We put a big quilt down underneath -- no pulling/eating carpet problems. No cords, no stuff on the coffee table she can't play with. We even put her in it and leave the room and have a decent amount of time for S E X. We can hear her playing, so we know she is OK.

Also, I think you are owning too much of this and still trying to fix it too much by yourself. My guess is that H is so unhappy for his own private reasons that don't really have a lot to do with you, but unhappiness with himself. (Yuck.)

[oldtimer]

P.S. As for the flybaby stuff, that is way too much for me, it turns out.

But, my C told me though that two things make a big difference to how people feel in their house, making the bed and keeping the sink clean. Neither has to be perfect. But these things really make people happier, less depressed, more positive.

So, buy a box of mints and make the bed everyday and put a mint on H's pillow. Keep the sink clean. Do it for a week and see if H steps up and starts sharing the load.

[sage]

Also, I think you are owning too much of this and still trying to fix it too much by yourself. My guess is that H is so unhappy for his own private reasons that don't really have a lot to do with you, but unhappiness with himself. (Yuck.)

I think this is definitely true. I'm not sure what the root cause is right now....possibly his job (which is what it definitely was first time around) although he is way happier than he used to be...I do think his job is stressful and overloads him at times.

As for taking on too much...well, yah, but I know that trying to get him to take or more of the load by talking is not going to work. As you point out in your second message, taking on the burden solo is a great way to see if he steps up. Historically, he absolutely does. The difference this time around is my patience level (low) and endurance (ditto). Working on it. ;-)

He's in a good mood tonight -- apologized for the crappiness of the last few days, etc. I'm not going to get complacent, though...I still see things as needing to change and I need to be here to do it.

Sage

[sage]

It's been a calm week. DH has been away at training so I was able to clear my mind a bit and focus on DD, myself, and getting back on an even keel. A couple of things came to light...

Aside from some small logistical hiccups (like getting ready in the AM), it didn't feel like noticeably more work to be flying solo...in fact, in many ways, it felt like less...it was certainly calmer. And I didn't feel as aggravated or tired or put upon as usual :-). That reinforces for me that a fair amount of my angst of late has been focused around "scorekeeping" -- the sense that I'm doing too much and h not enough....if I can get out of that mode (as I did this week as I had no choice), things feel much better.

Also, and this is just purely logistical...but it became clear that I have been trying to do way too much upon arriving home...I have always struggled with the transition to home anyway but trying to pull everything together within minutes of getting home just isn't working and is creating stress and anxiety. I gave h the head's up that I'm changing the order of how things get done (the things that I'm doing, that is). I'll try not to read too much into his tepid response to that...perhaps once he sees how much more relaxed I am, maybe he'll agree. (I'm not purposefully being cryptic...I just think the details are less important than the observation.)

I missed h to be sure and I think he missed us. I love spending time with Charlotte, too and I think all the scorekeeping, etc, was clouding that. I'm looking forward to letting that go.

I hope to be back more often next week as I'm certain to need it.

Sage

[slowly]

Hiya Sage - Glad you had the week to 're-focus'

And I didn't feel as aggravated or tired or put upon as usual :-). That reinforces for me that a fair amount of my angst of late has been focused around "scorekeeping" -- the sense that I'm doing too much and h not enough....if I can get out of that mode (as I did this week as I had no choice), things feel much better.

I'm ashamed to say that even without any kids, I fall into this trap quite often, and it is hard work to re-balance myself. In my case, I often find that when I drop some of the things I have taken on, NG either picks them up, or frankly they were not so important anyway. Granted, with kids this is less of an option. But just wanted to throw in the idea, maybe some of the tasks can be re-designed.

Good job on the self analysis Slowly

[amd]

How ya doin', Sage?

[sage]

AMD -- I'm good. I still don't seem to find the time to post regularly though not a day goes by that I don't think of it, try to refresh my DB'ing, and think of everyone here. I came by today because I was recommending the book to someone and thought "jeez, it's been eons".

Things at home are good, not great, or maybe they are great but not super great. Charlotte is fantastic -- an 18 month old wonder to me. H is good, too -- consistently stressed out about work, definitely missing our alone time (as am I), tired -- but still good. Things between us continue to settle as Charlotte gets less demanding in some ways and more in others! We're definitely still missing the "really focus on each other" that we had a few years ago. I miss it. I think often about how to get it back.

I hope you are well. How are things? I aim to catch up with you guys.

Sage