All hope is lost/help

[Evie]

HI Cat - Spot on advice which really makes sense and i am really listening to what you are saying.

Has your H agreed to make a go of it with your M?

It will be 1 month tomorrow that H said he was moving out, he hasn't as you know, but as we haven't had any further R talks i'm not sure if he is working on the M in his own way or if he is just staying and saving?

I agree that I need to really start to LISTEN (I don't think i've listened enough in the past). I think the key here is for better communication, we've never communicated on a deep level, It's a new skill i need to learn. Before I would always assume he was been critical of me and I always took things way to personally because of feeling insecure and a need to be reassured. I will remember to REALLY thank him for what he does. I did say it sounded like they were having fun in the bath as there was a lot of laughter as they had been taking some funny photo's with the camera that contorts the face, like those funny mirrors at the fun fair.

My new plan will be to sit down with the girls and ask for more help and less attitude. The 16 yr old will be ok it's the 19 yr old that gives me grief, she feels she works hard at her temp job then she works for H a couple of nights a week and has such a hectic social life that she feels 'put out' if asked for any help, I can see my H's point. Also she is saving for her gap year, but I feel she ought to contribute a little to the housekeeping. My H would agree, but the girls are such a bone of contention atm that I feel I can't talk to him about this. What are your views?

Thank you Cat for your clarity on the cinema, my reaction to him telling me he was out with his mates would have been one of sarcasm, I would have said something like 'so your to tired to out with me but not too tired then to go out with your mates then?' Sooo glad that I never said anything now.

Reading your reply has made me think about intuition and instinct. My intuition in May was telling there was OW, now i'm not so sure. But one thing I realised last night is that he is spending more time at home and doesnt seem so restless in it. He was on the computer in another room and i was watching a film. He only came into the room to watch the telly when I had gone upto bed. It only dawned on me this morning when I read your reply Cat, that maybe he is copying my behaviour and he may have come into the room sooner if I had stayed in the room with him after yoga the other night? Maybe?

There isn't any more on the affection or intimacy side. I was sending signals the other morning but he wasnt budging, he phoned me later and casually remarked that he was really stiff from the excercise he had done the previous night. It felt good to hear that. Unfortunately i'm out of action this week so unfortunately I can't try and connect that way, unless i hug upto him, but I think I will, he'll know there wont be any LM as i'll have my period pants on!!(so no pressure there).

I feel I want to tell him I love him and as you advice Cat I will say it when the time is right and not expert it to be said back. We used to say it every day and we both tell the kids every day we love them. What wories me is that if he says he hasn't loved me for a few years and I think he's never loved me as much as I have him (except maybe in the beginning, when there were 2 less kids and hardly any resp)that his feelings can return and be deeper than they were before? I don't want to iniate any R talks atm b/c I don't want to here any bad stuff, it's unproductive, negative and brings out the worst in me, I would rather work on me and this change produce positive results and i'm gaining strength every day from reading the advice i and every else receives.

Cat - How is it with your H? Having a new job is one of the top 5 or 10 most stressful things we can experience. I believe it takes a good couple of months to learn the ropes and get used to new colleagues etc. You sound like you have been through a lot with your man? I have read a little of your sitch, you always receive and give good advice. Ever thought of becomming a C? How old are your C?

I've offloaded quite a bit today and feel good, thanks for listening. It's becoming a bit like a daily diary.

Wishing you all a good day.

XD