I Need Help! Please!!! Sorry Really Long...

[theotherhalf]

You all say to focus on "You". I get that but I really, really, don't know who I am. All my life, all I've ever wanted was to be a farmer's wife, a mom, and a homebody. I had all that and more. And now it is all gone. All except the mom and that I am so grateful for. But D only has this year and next and she will be off to college. After that I have no clue.

I have this big fear that I will end up like my mom. Alone. I cannot get over the fact that I may never be T** *****Y's wife anymore. That I will never be able to walk hand and hand with my best friend again. At this point I can't see past all that.

I have always taken pride in knowing what I wanted in life and getting it. And now, what now? I've tried to look back to the beginning and remember what it was that attracted H to me. I don't have a clue. How I may have been different back then, I really don't know.

I feel so lost.

There honestly hasn't been too many days over the last 23 years that I wouldn't have said. "my cup is overful". And now it seems so empty.

[imLIN]

I have been where you are...it is time to find you...that will be hard because of your focus of where you identify yourself...so now you need to work on that....

More later...work calls

[Amy]

I have no advice because I am a total mess myself but I can tell you that I have walked in the shoes you are walking in and it is scarey. I will keep you in my htoughts. Take care of yourself and always remember that YOU were not the problem.

I am starting to learn that my husband is 50 times more miserable than me and although it doesn't make it better it helps to know that it at least does hurt him that he has done what he has to us.

Hang in there.

[imLIN]

I too identified myself by "who" I was...a wife, mom, teacher of my children...my family was my world...my H was my rock...

The problem with this is just because we want to be a mom and a wife doesn't negate that we are an "individual"....when we lose that inside of a R...inside of our family and feel we don't have any indentity now that we are not a wife...or may not be a wife anymore...that we might have to go to work...that things in our world have changed and now we don't know who we are???

You need to go back...before kids...before H...discover what it was that you enjoyed...reestablish yourself...keep some independance...I have done this...I won't ever identify myself first as H's wife...if anything were to ever happen to him I need to know that "I" am going to be okay...I have myself...I am strong...and I have dreams and goals that are my own...

I hope this helps you....Lin

[theotherhalf]

That is easier said than done LIN as before all that I was 16 years old and didn't have a clue then either. I don't ever think I ever knew. I know that I was a strong person but I still think that I am. If not, I wouldn't be here hanging on to what appears to be gone.

The part that really has me lost is "who" I was that was attracting? And now trying to figure out what I want from life other that what I've always dreamed of. It's like I have to give up my life dreams and goals and now make new ones. And that is what is SOOO hard. Because I've never wanted anything else, nor do I now. I really can't see what else there is in life but to be where I was at over 5 months ago.

I can easily look back and see plenty wrong in my marriage. Plenty wrong with the way I was in the marriage. I know now many things I need to change about me and I am working on them daily. But without the marriage I can not find any good left for my future.

I know that this sounds helpless, pathetic, but it is honesltly how I feel.

[imLIN]

TOH...
I know how you feel...really I do...because I met my H when I was 15...I hadn't even started high school yet!...the summer of love for me...his first real love...I was his first!...even his grandmother, before she died, told him he would marry me...it just seemed we were meant to be...his sister told me after his return that she could never think of him without me...or me without him...she identified us together...but....
he left when I was 42...27 years 1 month 28 days from when we began as a couple...so fast...it ended (or seemed to) just as fast...no real warning...he was tired, stressed, wanted to be left alone...but assured me that we would be together forever...it wasn't me...no other woman...he would not share himself...he would never share his body with another woman...
Well...I found out that was a lie...the man I had grown up with...built my life around...the life I dreamed of (for the most part)...the family I wanted...the home I wanted...all of it was gone...
Not only did I lose my H but I almost lost my home before we got it sold...I felt like my body had been cut in half...something was always missing...I cried a lot when he first left then got it to where it was only at night before I went to sleep (what sleep I got was sometimes only 3 hours for days on end) and when I would wake up and realize I was living my worst nightmare!... I would cry when I heard songs on the radio...I would cry when I watched TV shows we used to watch together...I would cry when I would pass by places we had shared together as a couple...parks that had special meaning...restaurants that were our favorites...
I now know what making a NEW life means...I found out I liked painting ceramics...I found out I could write poetry...I found out I could draw...I found out I liked to go on driving trips and see new places on my own....I found out I liked to try new restaurants...I found out that I could do things I didn't think I could before....
I also saw my mistakes in the M...and even if H wasn't coming back (as he assured me he wasn't everytime he spoke to me until the month before he did come back)I was going to make myself a person that "I" would want to be with...I became more patient...I got a job working with special needs children...something I thought I could never do...but found I had viewed it from the wrong side...this job saved my life...it made me truly value what was important...and understand that things could be so much worse...I had reason to feel blessed and happy even though my H had left me...even though the love that I had always trusted and known from his was gone...even though I could never imagine not being with him ever again...I learned I couldn't control those things...I learned I needed to be the best person I could for myself and anyone around me...when I quit falling over because of all I had lost and stood up for all I had and for what I might be able to get on my own...I started feeling better...I started feeling like there "might" be life for me...happiness for me...
the loss was always there...I had to fight it...I looked for happiness in the smallest things...like laying in the warm sun...listening the wind blow through the trees...watching a hummingbird defend his feeder against other hummers...watching the ants....watching a bee collect pollen from flowers...
It is work...it is a struggle...but IT IS WORTH YOU...in doing that you will find who you are...you will begin to "feel" your strength and power return...and hopefully in time your H will take note...but your focus stays...he has his own journey now...and you have yours....in order for things to ever be new again with you...you will have to complete the journey...look forward...not back....baby steps....

[theotherhalf]

Thurs. evening H was here to work on combine. I stayed in house for quite awhile. Then went out to see what checks he's written lately. He was real talkative, pleasant. Talked (I listened mostly) for hour and half. He then left & went home.

Yesterday I did a really bad thing. Maybe. I knew it at the time but couldn't stop myself. I left work early because H had asked me if I had to work today and it made me little suspisious. Thought I'd come home early see what was going on. I drove down main street before I left town. OH! The HO or OW car was sitting right there. I parked right away. I wanted to see her (havent seen her in over 15 years). I wanted to maybe confront her. (knew it was bad but needed to). I waited and waited. Finally I drove through once more before going home. I pulled right up to her car as she was backing up. I followed her right on her bumper a few blocks. Then realizing that I could get into trouble I yelled at her out my window "f***ing skank" and went on home.

Was it right? No. Did I feel better? Maybe a little. Will it change anything? No, not for the good anyway.

Well when I got H was over at the other place with tractor. I anticipated his arrival and figured he'd be pissed. As I assumed OW called him right away.About an hour later he came home. Didn't come to house and I stayed in house. BIL and kids came and they were hanging out in barnyard. I went out. I was chipper, etc. H was just fine. Nice. BIL said well better go so H got up and left too.

Later on H called my phone. Asked what I was doing. Asked me to come in to BIL to BBQ. I'm like "O Kay" well anyway I went. Had a good evening. H left to go home. I left. Had to call him (I know WRONG) But again I couldn't help myself. Asked him if he wanted company. He said ya, didn't care so I went. All went really well left at 3:30 am

Now will not hear from him in a week or two. Don't know if that's okay but it is what it is.

Is H coming around? Who the hell knows. Is he going to come back to me and the girls? Who the hell knows. Maybe not. When I don't see or talk to H I am miserable. I get so discouraged. At least when we have these evenings, I feel the slightest hope. I enjoy our times together. I feel like the connection is still there. Maybe it is all false hope. But it feels right to be with H. Not to see him or to "distance" feels so wrong. So how do I do the "distancing" thing?

I have every intention of continuing to do what "I" want. To keep working on me and not to contact H. To enjoy my time with the girls and myself.

Still...Time will tell...

[imLIN]

TOH...
I didn't get those opportunities when my H left...he would come see me...maybe go out to eat...but never wanted to be with me really...it was more to make sure I wasn't going to kill myself or something....
It was more then a year and a half before I saw hope...before he would even hold my hand...he would go months...and I mean months with no contact...and we had a 9/10 year old son!!!...our D's were adults but still lived at home when he left...we had been so close...when he was sure I was going to be okay...he wouldn't go out with me...wouldn't call me...wouldn't come see me...
You have a lot of positives...I know the time alone is hard...but that time is your friend...use it to work on you...to do things that bring happiness...find things that make you smile...it will show through when H does see you next...
remember...Time is your friend!!!

[theotherhalf]

Thanks LIN. (How ironic the OW name is Lynn)

I feel the same way and it kills me. To have always believed, and still do, that fate brought H and I together. That everyone, including myself, have always believed that H and I would be together forever. That what God had put together no man or woman would ever put usunder. To now except the fact that TnT is no more nor will ever be, is to give up on all my hopes, dreams, and beliefs. I really don't know if I can do that.

What you said about finding yourself. I think that in the last couple of years I was doing that. I too have learned the joys of the outdoors. I called them the "simple pleasures of life". I love to feed the birds and watch them. I have feeders and houses all over my yard. I have planted so many flowers and trees here since we moved into this place. This was my life outside the "family". And I paint too. Since April the feeders are empty, the weeds over took, no garden, no new plants, etc...

I wonder sometimes if me starting to find myself kind of took a toll on our M. That maybe somehow H seen me doing this and it led him to go insearch of him. That in the process of me working on me, I neglected H. That he felt as if I was leaving him. Do I feel guilty about this? No. Could I have done it differently? Maybe, but I really tried to include H in what I was enjoying, in "my" life. I am sorry that H may have felt left out, because he really wasn't.

Today I am trying to do more of "me" things. I have filled a couple feeders with seed from the basement. I want to fill the others but seed is expensive and don't want to spend the money. I have gotten my paints out and have dabbled a little. I think I may go to a craft show today, just to look around.

Your post made me cry today. Not because I was sad really, just that it is hard to look at the truth sometimes. Especially when the work is so overwhelming. Thanks LIN

[theotherhalf]

I don't know if most would call anything in my life "positive". H has made it very clear to myself and everyone else that he wants a D. (But yet, has not filed).

H really doesn't contact me. The time we see each other is mostly when he is here doing farm stuff. Most of the time he is gone before I get home. Or he'll leave as soon as I show up. Or he'll be here then just jump in truck and go. Doesn't come to house, nothing. Alot of the time when I do see him, he looks at me like he hates me. Or totally avoids me all together.

Then there were the few times he has contacted me. First time after moving out, he harassed me because I was out and he didn't know where. Evening turned really bad and he ended up breaking out a window and [censored]. He was really drunk that night too. He came by to apologize the next day. I accepted but said that I am doing nothing wrong and that I can do what I want. He agreed completely. Next time was him just showing up here and ended up spending the evening with me and girls, and then the night. I asked of course but he did and it was nice. Then nothing for 2 weeks. Then last weekend H asked me to SIL's I said we'll see and never went. I kicked myself for that all week. But I know that I need to not be available to him just when he wants. Then last night I knew that I had to go for me. And glad that I did but it's always afterwards, "now what".

And there is OW. I don't have any concrete proof as they have never been seen together. But in the beginning I overheard a conv. on the phone. Checking his phone over and over there have been many calls to her. Cat hair on his clothes, she has a cat. Always coming and going from the town where she lives. Camping trips where he couldn't be found. He has maintained that they are just talking, that she has done nothing wrong. That what is going on between them is none of my business, that it doesn't matter.
But when I've asked:
M: Do you have feelings for her
H: I don't know
M: are you going to continue to see her
H: I don't know
M: Are you sleeping with her
H: no
M: has she been in this camper
H: yes
So I just stopped asking any questions about her. He says that now he is not seeing anyone. I don't believe him. I think that he is seeing her at night when they cannot be seen. I can't prove it, I've tried. I guess it's one of those things that can't be dontrolled so I am letting it go. Somewhat. The best I can.

I just pray and hope and try to believe that H will be attracted to me again one of these days. That he will see why he loved me in the first place. That he'll one day "remember" what we were to each other. And then let her go. By trying to keep the connection alive without pushing or applying any preasure, I hope that will help. Who knows, maybe all still false hopes.

In the meantime I will take care of me. I will take care of my girls, without H help. I will take care of my home and hope that I can hold on to it. And I pray, and pray, and pray...