There and Back, #6

[LL44]

Oh man.

I promise to pray for your big a$$, Lord knows our spouses need it. He is so lost, I wonder what's set him off specifically though?? I do honestly feel so bad for him, and don't want anything to happen to him. Oh morgan, I am so sorry.

How long til he is supposed to be home? Can you call his cell phone to check on him?

[SallyM]

he should be there in the next half hour at the latest, assuming he didn't pull over somewhere first. I'm just really scared.

I don't know what set him off. the new job, possibly. the fact that his old job, which he loved, is over for good, possibly. maybe trouble with ow? I wonder if he had been telling her when bonus comes he'll divorce me, but then maybe he's reallys till not ready and she issued an ulitmatum? maybe he's just missing his kids? I could speculate all night, but no way of really knowing. he didn't want to tell me, and I didn't push him to. I just know he is hurting on a level that I haven't seen before.

I wonder if I should call his mom and give her a heads up. or would that be wrong to do? she'll realize something is up when she sees him.

amazing how much I don't want him to hurt, not like this, considering all that he has put me thru.

[SallyM]

okay, he's at his moms.

he's still crying, something is up. maybe he's just hitting rock bottom with all of this. I wish he would talk to me, but again, I'm not going to push it. he told me he was sorry that he upset me, I told him I was sorry he was so sad and upset.

I couldn't help it, I told him I loved him. I do. I didn't tell him it in a needy, come back to me way. I just told him I loved him (his response was, "I know"), and to please take care of himself, that I was worried about him.

[SallyM]

actually, scratch the talking to me bit above...I wish he would get a new therapist and start IC for real this time. not a bitch-fest about me or his life growing up, but a real, honest look at himself. I wish he could get out of therapy what I have been able to get out of it, what I am still getting out of it. he needs it.

I'm still scared for him. I don't know what to do for him. most likely there is really nothing I can do for him, he has to walk the walk himself.

[LL44]

morgan, you have handled this very well. Now....try....not to jump in too deep with him. Remember detached?? Don't try to pull him too close. He basically came to you with his issues, and I know you love him (heck, I feel sorry for H tonight because he has a headache), but he needs to hit this rock bottom, whatever it is, in order for him to climb out of it.

And yes, he needs a good therapist, a really good one.

I am glad he is safe. Its probably driving you crazy not to know what it is that's exactly going on. My H has had a few breakdowns (tears and crying) in the last month and he only says "Everything" when I ask him what's wrong. I don't go any further, but do tell him I hope he feels better.

Keep us posted. Is he leaving tomorrow to go to Vegas?

[nephartiti]

Morgan, lwb is a wise lady, and she is right. You left the door open for him. He knows you are there. Let him go through this. He will come to you when he is ready. Hang in there. Keep being that watch tower with the steady light. He is safe at his mom's. Get some rest so that you can be strong and ready for whatever comes next.

My prayers are with you and your loved ones. You have come this far. This too shall pass. Hold on.

[mkultra]

Ditto. You are an awesome lady and that just makes him feel worse not better. Reminding him that you love him is too confrontational for him besides he must already know. Just let him know you are there for him, but do not remind him of the love. I know it sounds crazy that we are not allowed to say ILY, but is is true that it forces them to be defiant in the face of love. Like they feel so low that our love for them is stupid. As id theylose respect for anyon ewho wou;d love them when they do not respect themselves. He is realizing that he has thrown his life away for nothing, for something so shallow and meaningless. It is hitting him. Yes, he may still be a good man at his core and maybe he has made wrong choices but remember your DBing! His affair will end eventually if not already but this sounds way bigger than R problems, this is what have I done with my life MLC problems. He is being self destructive. Who else can you talk to? His coworker, his mom, any siblings who are on your side or neutral. Be careful. My H's aunts misconstrued my concerns as betrayals. Be careful. tread lightly and observe.

[SallyM]

thanks all.

talked to my friend for a while last night and she was pretty proud about how I handled things. for once, I didn't try to fix things, I didn't try to take away his pain, I comforted him and handed it back to him to deal with. He needs to deal with it...his whole life, the women in his life have worked very hard at making sure everything is fine for him. letting him deal with things is a good first step for him. now its up to him where he goes with it.

I know that, but its so painful to see him like this. but I am also proud of myself and again, it just shows how far I've come in my own therapy, that I was able to step back and not try to walk his walk. I didn't even call his mom to give her a heads up (big pattern break, there, friend was happy to hear that one), and I won't call her today to check in.

I really do hope he gets a new therapist, that he is finally honest about the mess his life is in and his role in making it that way. and as much as my heart breaks for him, I also know everyone is right, I need to step back.

as far as I know, he's still off to vegas this weekend. I'm going to have a good time and focus on my kids a bit. speaking of, they are up, so off to get them.

[SallyM]

now for me. goals for the day: ab tape/gym, finally go thru all the stuff I get home from DS's school, dust my journal off and actually get writing in it again. am thinking about making it game and movie night tonight...each kid will get to pick a game to play before dinner, and then a good snuggle on the couch and a movie for after dinner.

here's my dilemma...are they too young for wizard of oz? any thoughts? worried it might be a little long/a little scary.

[SallyM]

h just called to say good morning to the kids. I asked briefly if he was okay, he said yes (not believable). the kids talked and we hung up, he called back about a minute later a complete wreck...he was just losing it. he told me as soon as he hears the kids voices lately, he just loses it completely. I did some things good, some thing bad. I offered to help him find a new therapist if that would help, told him I was worried about him, and that he needed to take care of himself. I started thinking after we hung up, and remembered my friend had told me not to try to fix it, and that instead of offering to find the therapist immediately and such, I should have asked him if he thought talking to a therapist would be helpful (instead, I sort of started going into fix-it mode again). I called him back and put it like that...he said no, he's already done the therapy route (ha!, but I didn't say that), doesn't see how it will help. I am going to let him come to that on his own, I re-iterated I was concerned about him and that he needs to take care of himself (my therapist, who I also talked to last night, said that was good to do...I'd do it if he was pysically sick, after all). then I left it, once again, in his hands. he told me he thought he was having a nervous breakdown. there wasn't much more I could say or do. he needs to want to get the help himself, and its not something I can help him with...I can be there if he wants me to, but he needs more than that.