if anyone is up for praying, tonight I need some. My h needs some. he is a mess, in a way I have never seen before. I am petrified right now that he won't live thru the night...not that he will harm himself, but that he will get in an accident driving.
he got here around 6:30 and hugged the kids like he was coming back from war, but couldn't look me in the eye. I took myself to target, of course speculating a little...slightly freaked out as to why he isn't looking me in the eye. the only thing I am sure of is he can't actually get married in vegas, since he is still married to me.
cleared my head, came home, and he was ready to leave. said he was sorry but that he had a long drive ahead of him so wasn't staying to talk...which was fine, I hadn't expected him to. he turned back and I just was horrified by his face...he looked like a wreck. I asked if he was okay, and he lost it. I'm not talking crying, I'm talking hysterics, to the point that I was wondering if we had a paper bag in the house. I mean, I have never seen anyone lose it like he did...probably very similar to what I look like when I do. I pulled him into my arms, tried to hold him, to comfort him, as best I could. I tried to hold him like a child, even...not easy, I'm 7 or 8" shorter than him, I felt so inadequate. he wailed/sobbed in my arms for a while, kept trying to get himself together and would lose it again.
I asked very little...asked if it was the kids, the job, he just kept saying it was everything, he is just so sad right now.
my heart broke. literally, it broke. I kept trying to soothe him, but there was nothing I could do or say but hold him as best I could. he kept trying to say it was okay, and that its not my problem. I actually said straight out to him that in spite of everything, I love him very much, and want him to be happy in his life, I need for him to be okay, he has to be okay, he has to make sure he is okay. I kept telling him to please take care of himself.
he's really scaring me, folks. this spiral he's been on, this person he's become that I don't even recognize. I think he does okay and then realizes he doesn't even know himself.
he said he had to go, that it was a long drive to his moms (???). I was suprised he was going there, and yes, I did glance at his keyring, her keys are still on it...maybe her son is there and he won't stay over then? not sure. all I know it my heart hurts for him, and I'm scared that he is driving right now...its a 1hr drive, a lot of it is very dark, and he should not be driving.
I swear I should have fought him, made him stay over. but I didn't...I let him go. made him promise to call me when he got there. started crying myself because I was getting to scared, which seemed to make things worse so I pulled it together.
my mind is telling me this is a co-dependent panic attack, a mlc spiral. I know what it is (and will be talking to my friend shortly to see what she thinks). but I'm telling you, I can't see him hurt like this...it tears me up to see him like this.
if you have any spare prayers for him tonight, as big an ass as he has been, he's overall a good guy who desperately needs them.
M-41 H-38 M-10 years, T-14 years Bomb-PA 3/19/07 Separated-6/7/07 Piecing/h back home 5/08 S-6 S-4 D-4
"Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is that little voice at the end of the day that says, 'I'll try again tomorrow.'"
