Zoos and Swans

[MJontheMend]

I have to figure out how to date without making rules for myself because when I make rules for myself that is usually a sign of low functioning.

This is interesting, because I am the exact opposite.

That's because you are "deliberate" and I am "random". For instance, when I am high-functioning in regards to the laundry, I don't have to have a rule that says "Do the laundry.", I just do the laundry.

I think Mojo would be playing a game if she withheld sex from 6'5" pushup guy. Initially, I think you should just go with it, and see what happens organically, without trying to control it. shrug. Only directness works on me....well if you want to earn respect that is. JC has been very direct. She has a lot of issues to resolve, and I am looking for any reason to cut her off. anyways.. For ex. Mojo and NG. If I sensed hiding the bunny and withholding the cow, I would cut her off, too. I like him more because of it.

I think I should win a prize if I was capable of withholding sex from pushup-guy. I highly doubt that I will have any say in the matter one way or the other. He's playing me bunny at the moment but I think that's only because he's so f*cking scary he pretty much has to with all women. I seriously may be out of my depth here. We shall see.

Regarding NG, I can never completely withhold the cow/swan. Certainly not sexually. The way you can tell is that the man said he felt very "comfortable" with me sexually. However, there were occasions on which I perhaps denied the existence of the cow/swan/bunny triad. I like NG too, I feel like he was "generous" in relation to me but I have to wonder why he keeps sending me friendly e-mails.

f she does this, then running into one (or several) of those "immature men" will only hurt her more.
Or teach her to recognize and avoid those men. Judging from her residual feelings for NG, it appears he isnt one of them. Hey I just noticed, whats up with the ""'s?

Well, there's a very simple but not necessarily easy way to avoid all problems of this type. It's called mature communication.

I think there is choice and decision. Women thinking they can 'refom' a man are as delusional as men "Imagining a woman who's a chaste virgin but miraculously melts (after an appropriate time) only at your touch"

I think you're right but I think men can choose to "reform' themselves. So if you believe the saying "Reformed rogues make the best husbands." I guess you just need to figure out how to look for the signs of a rogue about to reform himself - lol

If I choose to behave somewhat promiscuously it's because I don't particularly give a f*ck about whether I "get" a man, I'd rather just get laid clapclapclap. Untill your bunny wakes up in an oxytocin pool that is... \:\/ I almost believed you, though...

LOL- Well, clearly, it's exactly the kind of short-sightedness that makes people forget about the likely hangover when they drink. The interesting thing is that now that I've figured out that I can lose the hangover pretty readily with lack of contact, I could choose to order my sexual life by following the same/opposite "lack of integration" type thinking that you use. In my case, I like romance and affection mixed with my sex and excitement, so I could date men who are willing to provide that stuff also but then just get really super clingy with them once I sense that the chase is waning. They'll dump me and I'll be free to move on to the next guy willing to give me everything I want for a while without guilt for leaving hurt feelings. Except, I'm already bored with the idea because it's way too easy.

Where did you get this impression? I dont agree with this. I dont think the right guy for you is going to care how soon you have sex. I do think in your M, your H thought you only wanted sex, which is differant then wanting him for sex.
how are you signalling you dont care about forming a R? I agree with you about that, nailing that part down, might help you.

Good point. I think sometimes the way I signal that I don't care about forming a relationship is that initially I am sexually responding to the things that are sexually attractive about a man and therefore just kind of ignore things that might also be important in a relationship. Like a guy might bring me flowers but I'm paying attention to his leather jacket. I do really like the flowers but they're not what is turning me on at the moment so I give them short shrift. There are practical matters too. Like I didn't take a minute to think about whether I really wanted to form a relationship with a man who has two young children before I started dating NG. Part of the reason I might want to delay having sex with a guy if there's any possibility that it might lead to a relationship is that it's very difficult for me to rationally consider things like this when I'm in my dopamine/oxytocin fog.

Your not? Ok. So if you dont care, and he doesnt care... I seriously doubt the 23 y.o, will care if you use him like a toy. So... how would it be heedless and using him? If you put up a profile saying you were interested in men under the age of 22 for NSA, you would be inundated with toys.

Okay, what I should have said was that I shouldn't do that in relation to men who are signaling that they are potentially looking for a relationship. BTW, I can't have sex with 23 year olds because I have an 18 year old son. Yucko.

It's more difficult for men to form relationships when women offer sex too freely because it inhibits the build-up of vasopressin and limits their ability to bond.
This is biologically incorrect. I could never fall in love with someone who was not in a sexual R with me, no matter what they project is going on. The build up of vasopressin is not a bonding chemical like oxytocin. Vasopressin takes TIME which is differant for everyone.

I'm just going by the book I read which indicates that you do have to have sex to release the vasopressin but there will be a bigger release if you're around the guy not having sex with him for a certain while beforehand. Whatever. I guess if I really believed that it was such an important factor, I could just inject any guy I wanted to bond with me with a big syringe full of it right after sex. Of course, that wouldn't exactly fulfill my desire to be loved for my pilgrim soul, would it, unless my pilgrim soul is really just a devious monkey brain.

BTW mojo, " I want to be loved by a woman". Um. I only want what I can have.

I know what you mean about the desire. Here's what I think. Maybe you don't think that a woman can commit to choosing to love you in the absence of desire but maybe a woman can develop such a deeply ingrained habit of loving you that it becomes second nature. I was thinking about this a while back when I noticed that there were boxes of sandwich bags gathering dust on my kitchen shelf.