I LOVE living alone

[forever21]

Thanks friends! Great hearing from each of you!!

Okay, just needed to come on and do some venting of my thoughts.

H called late this morning, and I took his call. He was quiet and asked what and how I was doing. I was very friendly toward him. The whole convo was interesting. There was a lot going on in that one 20+ minute call. I think I just need to get it all out of my head still.

He was wondering how I wanted to do things from here. I probably should've just let him sweat it awhile longer, but I'm still learning as I go here. I'm comfortable with how it went overall. And I'm really happy with how well I'm dealing with it all afterwards. I love seeing my improvement and growth.

It wasn't an effort to be nice, even loving, toward him to begin with. He seemed confused. I got the impression he expected me to be angry at him. He struggled with some anger, but managed to keep it under control. He seemed to take the position that... this isn't what he wanted, but yeah fine that's what we're doing. I told him this isn't what I wanted either, and that he knew that. I asked him if this was really a surprise to him. We started to argue about it, and I put a stop to his angry tone with me... made it clear that we need to talk respectfully to each other IF we're going to.

He said if he wanted to D, he would've filed... and asked me "do you think I just want to keep paying the mortgage and everything?" I said "No, I don't. It doesn't seem like you want to be M though either. You can't have your cake and eat it too. I have more respect for myself." Then the convo went onto why I reached this point. I told him I didn't feel like he was being honest with me while we were starting a new R with each other.

Told him I know it's hard and that I saw him trying, but I'm not gonna be lied to. He asked if I was talking about the "one time" he was evasive. I said no, and that I'd really respected him for being honest with me that time... and that I didn't get in his business about why and had faith in him, but that he seemed to just be more evasive after that. He claims he'd been honest with me, and asked me when he lied. I told him he knows when he lies, I don't need to tell him, and that he must only be counting the times he knows he was caught. He got mad and wanted to just hang up then. Told him how sad I find it that he can't be honest, and that I find it disrespectful. He remained adamant that he didn't lie to me. I didn't let on, but it made me question myself a little... my perception of reality, since it was his evasiveness and not lies that I can easily prove anything from. He's a "good" liar and will always have more lies to cover up the others, but I'm a step ahead of him this time.

It was a little frustrating that he tried to put this whole D decision on me, and not take responsibility for his role recently. But what am I expecting, duh. And also I wasn't sold that he doesn't truly want this himself (for the right reasons, anyway), even though he says he doesn't. He probably just doesn't want to be the bad guy. I'm afraid I would've told him that too, had I thought of it. Maybe I should have. He'd say he wasn't wanting this and his tone was consistent with that, but each time I'd stand up for myself and remind him this isn't what I wanted (ok, I see where I kept repeating myself... need to know what I could do diff here) he seemed REAL quick to say ok, we're D... but he kept going back to saying HE didn't want this. He was just begging for me to ask him why he wasn't fighting for our M then, but I didn't.

If it's really not what he wanted and I am over here saying this isn't what I wanted, why would he nervously jump into half-@$$ agreeing to D? I think he could've been scared I might ask well why are we then. If he really didn't want to D, wouldn't he just say well why are we then? Ego, I suppose, but it would be nice if he could just be honest so I don't second guess myself here. I would have so much more respect for him and see him as a better guy than the way he's going about it. I get the impression he wants to do this but is simply irritated it's not all on his terms, and isn't comfortable having any of the responsibility fall on his shoulders. I may just share this with him, in hopes he might see that if we are honest with each other we can proceed knowing this is the right thing to do. Any opinions out there on that?

We talked about trying to do the D collaboratively. I told him where I stood on that... that I'd like to but that I have my doubts we can when he gets angry like he was, and how he then often doesn't do as he has promised. He didn't like that, as you can imagine. We started to go into a bit too much on the D subject, but we quickly ended that discussion.

Probably the biggest mistake I made was with what I shared when it came to me reaching this point. I should've stuck to the fact (and my plan) that "I wasn't seeing a reason not to be done", which I forgot to even say.(oops... need to have a plan for that too.) I have trouble with being too open and honest... it's not always appropriate. That opened up a can of worms, and also I think says that I'm making accusations and blaming. Not good.

Anyhow, nothing that's the end of the world here. Thanks for reading, if you did.