My life don't fit the book, please help.

[lester]

Here's my situation in brief. I'm extremely lost because every book I pick up seems not to be geared towards my situation at all so it very difficult to apply. So let me start with the affair, if you will. My wife met this guy at work and gradually started spending a lot of time with him with or with out other friends with them. Anyways, he said he had feelings for her and kissed her. Since then they had several kisses since (3+ mos.). She had been telling me after each occurence but seemingly less and less so. She says she's sorry but alternates between they are "just friends" to she has "strong feelings" for him to she "loves him". I know most cheaters either never tell or only when confronted. She tells me each time they are "romantic" (kissing) but the thing is she tells me she loves me and doesn't want to loose me. I'm so confused since all advice is geared to secretive, lying cheaters.

Don't get me wrong I know the flip-flopping on OM's status is a sure sign of dishonesty mixed with ambivilance on her part. From what I can figure she wants to be completely honest but only admits what she thinks I can "handle". And so ends up being neither completely honest or protective of my feelings. I see a lot of similiarities of the typical cheater but no straightforward advice, since my case isn't "as bad" as others. I know I'm lucky in some ways - she still says she loves me, still lives in the house. But I don't feel any less broken and don't want to strictly apply LRT since what it describes is a "worse" situation than mine. ahhhhhhhhh

I don't know what's in her head and that always leaves me at a disadvantage. She recently asked if she could go golfing with the OM. How do I answer that? I say no, I seem controlling. If I say yes then I seem permissive. I ended up telling her that I would never approve of her dating someone else but that I'm not going to interfere with her free will. Her response is that she shouldn't tell me the "truth" anymore because I just get upset. Far as I can tell I express myself cool and calm but I just don't know how to deal with this. It doesn't seem like I should apply extreme measures like LRT or After LRT or ultimatum but she still refuses to stop being "friends" with OM. I don't mean to but I'm seriously loosing all "love" I have for her. Please help.

I feel more like her priest than husband and need advice that applies to the in-between state that I'm in. It's more of an EA than PA but we're not separated, she's still affectionate, still says she loves me (but not in love with me). I have wished many times that she hid it and had a full affair just so the multitude of available advice would fit. Please help my in-between situation!