FLTC: from Iraq

[FaithfulH]

I wish I knew exactly....I believe it is because I did exactly what she asked me to do....gave her "time and space"....and I used that time to work on myself! I set goals using the acronym SPIES....in the areas of:

• Spiritual - Read my bible daily...and other books like Max Lucado's "Facing Your Giants
  
• Physical - Exercised daily....lost 70 lbs
  
• Intellectual - quit watching TV...replaced it with other books
  
• Emotional - Focused on my old "bad" behaviors...being needy, clingy, moody, pouty, etc...Mostly dealt with this on my knees
  
• Social - established a new network of friends and spent my time GAL

Notice that none of these have anything to do with my W....I think God did a work in her...while he was doing a work in me. I know we all want to know what we can do to "FIX" our spouses. Sometimes the best thing we can do for them is fix ourselves. Hope this helps!

[FLTC]

Yeah, good advice. That is one of the old DB tenets. I'm continuing to plan for being Divorced. No other way to look at it. I think that's a safer bet, but we all hold on to a glimmer of hope. Was your wife angry as well?

How were you able to work past the awkwardness of the situation? Are you fearful that she'll pull the plug?

[FLTC]

FH:

I read some of your posts. I see you went to the USMA. When did you get off of active duty?

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

FLTC
I would have to say staying thin helps much. I've dropped 30lbs since doing the lifeguard gig and a daily 5mi walk with Gertrude our air tank full of sand at 55 lbs.

Now your Soldiers do a 80-110lb combat load with double those miles and a fight in between so it's bush league on the Gulf Coast for PT.

Hopeless was feeling worthless, little brain trauma, and the true fact I failed to make memories with my X. I spent two years pretty much hiding out researching
1. What went wrong
2. What was my part in that. (Cannot fix hers so I disguarded that)
3. How does one fix it?
4. Getting a vision of what I want my maker to say on my life after Iraq and a vision of what I want to do with the remainder of my time.
When your self vision is a dad and husband and you are on your own as CS Lewis stated once "How shall we then live?"

I'm like a dog chasing cars I have no idea what to do with them once I catch them but the chase is fun and known upfront to be harmless. It's just BS and light flirting. Always a gentleman and no harm.

Getting a focus and vision is primary with confidence and a devil may care aditude toward the much better looking sex is next. Women love to relax and have fun.

I make mistakes (learning opportunities) daily. My biggest screwup is getting too serious or taking myself too seriously. Honestly I read relaxing and not worring about the outcome will unlock the creative side.

I just wish to ensure my D13 can go to college if she wants and will live in a hole if that will achieve the objective. Outside of that I have no worries.

When I receive word on the physical exam then it's the unit I will select. Probably go with a hospital unit then get cross assigned to a USMC Company so if they pull silly things as sometimes they do I pull the "Commander said" card. Otherwise I'm an E6 going against 06s for funds and training dollars. Been there done that the T shirt was cut from the budget.

I understand the temptation bro. I'm celibate cause I'm as smooth as a pothole and I simply have no interest in creating more drama than I can handle. We can set a soul on fire (Read a Gal Song of Solomon chapter 7) however does one have the ability or desire to keep it there. No wish to do unto others what I have no desire to have done to me so we keep it lite.

You got brains, probably brawn, lots of leadership experience and confidence in your abilities, good direction, and like me failure to make memories with a lot of bad luck thrown in for keepers.

I have some ladies who are good friends who tell me
1. Notice the little things. Feet, hair, earrings, Now it's tattos, perfume, color of dress, shoes (especially the shoes)
2. Always a gentleman
3. Stay in shape
4. Whatever have fun. That is why I waited so long to clean out the junk so I could. It's a long road with bad pavement.

Try it on your W if possible. If it fails it's her loss.
Best Wishes for you / Nasty things for the Muj or Ali Babba as my Iraqi part time friends and part time muj used to say.

[S_O_T_S]

Hi FTLC.

I knew my ears were burning, but I didn't know why. Now I know.
Quoting you in bold, as always.

There really are no familiar names here any more,

This is certainly true. Though the stories are all exactly the same as all the prior ones. So much of all of this is so preventable, but nobody knows it needs to be prevented until it's too late.

althought Stoic ont he surface has reappeared, writng to others. Others have just probably died on the vine, or succumbed.

1. Don't think I haven't been watching your story, too, I just don't really think I have much that's useful to say to much of anybody anymore. Except sorry you're where you are and you'll most likely be OK no matter the outcome of your situation.

2. I'm still kicking around on my own thread too, but the D happened back in May, and I'm just trying to keep moving on. And not much happens, so I don't post much of my own.

W. used to blame either her unhappiness in the marriage or the tenseness between her and me......now what?

It may not matter. I'd like to think she'll have some revelation and realization that her issues didn't end once you were deployed. Then again, my suspicion is that she may find a way to rationalize and blame you anyway. And that last sentence is why I try not to post much anymore, since I don't really want to be dashing anyone's hopes. This whole thing is hard enough as it is without nattering nabobs of negativity popping up everywhere.

I'm surrounded by great people that I've spent the last 8 months with, with none of the interactions with W., so it's fairly easy now, but going home in 10 months........eh?

Maybe things will have changed in 10 months?

I go between thinking I'll be fine if this doesn't work out to the polar extreme of how horrible it will be to be alone......Nights, weekends...you all know.

Since I'm living the reality, it's somewhere in between. Sometimes it is fine. Sometimes it's really horrible. I try to remind myself of two things: 1) the times it is horrible don't come as often, and aren't as horrible as they once were (and they are only temporary) and 2) to some extent, I have some control over the horribleness and its duration.

The highest ranking chaplian in the Army spoke here today. A major general. His advice was "Never Give Up".

Words to live by, no matter where you are or what you're doing.

I wished I had not been working. It seemed perfect.

Too bad you were, and it is perfect, especially in light of the fact that the first sentence of yours I quoted above in purple is, for the most part, true.

It's based on the fact that suicides are going up here. Not dramatically, but enought to concern people.[/b]

I can't tell you how sad this is. The guys in the trenches bear the brunt of it all in more ways than non-combatants can ever know. I recently read a story of guys sacrificing themselves to save the guys next to them - AND - the difficult times faced by those who were saved by those actions.

Stay safe.

[FaithfulH]

Yeah, good advice. That is one of the old DB tenets. I'm continuing to plan for being Divorced. No other way to look at it. I think that's a safer bet, but we all hold on to a glimmer of hope. Was your wife angry as well?

How were you able to work past the awkwardness of the situation? Are you fearful that she'll pull the plug?

FLTC,
My W was VERY angry in the beginning...but, she began to "warm up" to me after about 5 months of coldness and anger

The "akwardness of the situation" was the hardest because she never moved out of the house. I mostly avoided face-to-face contact...which was part of my giving her space.

I am not "fearful" that she will ever pull the plug...because I am at a far different place than I was when this all started. Like most of us, I literally thought I was gonna die without her...I didn't...I made it through the worst...and I could do it again if it ever happened (which is nearly impossible to imagine)

FH:

I read some of your posts. I see you went to the USMA. When did you get off of active duty?

I graduated in 1980 (the first class with women)...and left active duty after my 5 year commitment (May '85). I was in the Field Artillery based at Ft Sill for 4 years...then 1 year in Athens Greece. I still have several classmates on active duty...one of the most notable...Vince Brooks, who lead many of the press briefings during the earliest days of the Iraq operation.

[FLTC]

Hey SOTS!

Good to see that you really are OK. I know you held out, but your W. moved fast! Is she any happier? I think not, but it is what it is.

Do I remember correctly, you've got a Ph.D and were going to publish some stuff a while back? You're a good man, like most of us are, and love will come your way again, as it will mine if this doesn't work out.

You're a smart guy with plenty to offer, and I believe I am too. Are you seeing nayone? I guess the possibility of being alone on holidays, weekends, etc. is still pretty overwhelming to me. I can't really stop thinking about how much fun (I think) we had as a family, until she snapped into the unfulfilled angry stage, which I could not figure out.

It's difficult to interpret the anger and unhappiness with everything: my driving, which container I put food away in, where I put dishes after I unloaded the diswasher...that's how it went for at least 3-4 years. (these were some of the IMPORTANT things I dropped the ball on).

It's easier now, because I don't have to face that every day. Believe me...being in Iraq IS EASIER THAN THE DRAG I FELT AT HOME.

The disjointed lifestyle I mentioned was a killer....driving back and forth from an aprtment, having three nights with the kids at my old house, driving them everywhere, dragging my as* home dead tired and starting again.

I agree with FaithfulH: You have to worry about yourself. I tend to agree that I'll be a far different person when I return home from Iraq. I will not settle for the conditions I lived in before. I don't want my kids seeing me live like that. I was bullied around, because I tried to keep the peace with an angry, sick woman. I really miss a partner, though.

I will not die without her, but losing the whole family structure is what hurts the most. My poor kids.....

FH: Thanks for looking in on me. I wish I knew why your w. changed her mind while others are calcified. My W. was impossible to be around. she would just leave for hours at a time and go smoke cigarettes at the beach or at her mother's grave. D16 would be a bit&h on wheels and W. would just walk out of the house and drive away, for hours! No reason. Although you wouldn't die without your wife, losing the family structure after 26 years would be devastating.

The Brooks family is a very accomplished Army family as you know. Vince Brooks is one of the most eloquent spokesmen that the Army ever put in front of a camera. Dad was a MG? Brother also USMA graduate?

[built4speed]

Hey, thanks for the post on my thread. Hope you are doing well. Very proud to know someone doing their duty for us. I do truly appreciate it. I'm glad I don't have to do it.

You asked what ex-Ws issue was. Well, it's along story but it goes something like this: W grew up in a family with poverty, alcoholism, severe (institutional-level) mental illness, divorce and general cluelessness about rearing children. She did remarkably well getting out of there, very successful in school, very athletic. Got an MBA, had a good job when I met her. We dated for two years, got married. I figured two smart people could work out anything. I had no concept of the way emotions interact with and govern behaviors. My C says it's 90% of the story and I was paying 0% of my attention to it. So, it's not just her.

She married me because I was stable, solid, smart, a good provider and (did I say) stable. I didn't drink to excess, roll my car, hit her, yell at her, or any of the myriad other negative behaviors she was used to. I was her rock. And I was emotionally unaware (think Mr. Spock), which, after her crazy family, fit her perfectly.

But I was not her passion. I was more like a roommate - with benefits. We had three kids, but sex was a constant problem - getting her going was problematic, but once she was going it was fine. The start up was the issue. It was extremely frustrating, and caused bad behaviors in me, like passive-agressiveness, and general loveless actions (if she didn't take care of me, I'm not taking care of her, etc). I couldn't figure it out - she married me, but didn't want to have sex with me. I guessed it was just the typical long-term marriage issue.

It got to the point where she rarely would agree to it unless we drank. I'm an engineer, it doesn't take me long to figure out correlations. So, if that's what it takes, fine. Nothing to excess, just a glass of wine or two - she even called our second our "wine club baby".

So, one night we went to friends, and I had a couple of glasses, she had a few more than that. She was pretty drunk, and when we got home I asked for sex, nothing different than the 50 times before - she agreed. Next morning, she asked if we'd had sex. I'm like, well, yeah, you were there. She says she has no memory of it, so I must have raped her!!! I didn't know what to say. Unfortunately, I was leaving 10 minutes later to take one of the boys to church camp: no phone, no electric, no contact for six days. She was so sick she crawled to the bathroom for two days (but what happened was all my fault: her black-out drinking had no contribution to the issue). By the time I got back, the fantasy in her head had been gelling for a week, and no amount of discussion would convince her that anything but the worst possible scenario had occurred. Even though she had no memory of the events, that was the only conclusion she would consider.

People put their own experiences into their interpretation of life. I chose someone who would always assume the worst, about people, situations, life. Given where she came from, not unreasonable. But what caused me to choose someone so different from me - and so f'ed up? I ignored the emotional side, and went for someone who fit all my requirements at the time, obviously missing a crucial variable. So I picked someone who, in a situation where she basically had to trust me, could not. The person I should have had would have said something like, "Well, I have no memory of it, but you're the love of my life and I trust that you would never do something terrible, so your story must be correct." Instead I got, "You bastard, how could you do this to me???", ignoring 18 years of never laying a hand on her, of taking care of her, of providing for the family, her parents, being the best father she'd ever seen (her words), etc.

Perhaps it was she had decided that with no passion, she just wanted out, and that event gave her the opening. After that, she never once tried to work out the issue, just slowly pushed the whole family off the D cliff. It took three years.

And the truly ironic part of this: so she trusts me so little that we can't stay married, but as we redo our wills after the D, guess who is going to be her trustee? Yep, me. Her quote: "You're the most trustworthy and reliable person I know." Just makes me sick to my stomach, what she did to the family.

I ran into a mutual friend recently who said exW never looks happy, and that his and others interactions with her have become, well, he just said she acts a bit off. I was "her rock" for the last 22 years, and now she gets to try it on her own.

As I get farther away, I notice a few things. I noticed that I was forced to close down a part of myself with her, because when we would fight, she had no concept of restraint: every weapon was available and used. She would be as mean as possible to gain an advantage. My parents, my problems, my faults, my dreams - all up for attack. So I found myself via self-preservation holding back emotionally. I'm sure that didn't help. But I need someone who knows there are things you don't bring up, that are off-limits. With her nothing was. And the always-picking-the-worst-scenario was finally too much for the R. Unfortunately, she has done nothing to address that, and is doomed to repeat it. It won't be with me.

So, that's todays rant. Sorry for the hi-jack. But you asked .

[FLTC]

B4S:

No hijack at all my friend. Thanks for writing back to me. A lot of your sitch is common in mine. I feel awful for my kids. How horrible it will be if they have to grow up without an intact family...I truly belive that. Sex was the same in my M. as well. She always seemed to require a "two-mile long runway" to get anywhere, and it was difficult and became no sex after a while, much like you. She was never satisified. I think my W. like yours, has some realy issues, not that we don't, but..........If she had no memory of having sex with you, who really had the problem? I think of how many times I've had so many drinks, but not once was my memory totally blotted out...Fuzzy, yes, but not blotted out. I hear you about the three years. I'm going into year three myself, but if that's what she wants, she'll have to do the whole job. I'll be away for almost two years by the time I redeploy from Iraq.

Passion aside, once you settle into using the same commode with someone and wake up next to them, that s*it rubs off. It DOES become a choice...pure and simple, I believe. I believe in commitments. I don't walk away from anything, and I won't on this either. I got that line from her in July of 05: "Don't you want to find somebody who knocks your socks off?" WHAT? We have three kids at a very vulnerable age. Let's get our minds back in the game.

Your dating stories make me ill. I don't want to have that to look forward to.......Stop by again. You've got some great wisdom. I could use the help. Just no more 400 pound smoker stories OK?

[No_hill_for_a_Swimmer]

I believe. I believe in commitments. I don't walk away from anything, and I won't on this either. I got that line from her in July of 05: "Don't you want to find somebody who knocks your socks off?" WHAT? We have three kids at a very vulnerable age. Let's get our minds back in the game.

You are so correct in this matter.