In bed this am H opened up and told me that recently he's been MBing every day. No big deal about that, but here is the interesting thing....he said that he has never done that before. I replied that I thought it was a good thing, as long as it didn't become too obsessive or self involved. I was too stunned to ask him why he never really mb'd. And I realized that it sort of fits his personality...he's this really nice guy, but he's sort of this blank slate, like he's not in touch with himself. I was so full of an agenda when we met...I knew what I wanted to study, where I wanted to live, etc., and sexually I was very primed, having recently ended an intense relationship. I see why we matched back then...and why it changed. I guess I lost that masculine energy along the line with life problems and depression, and my H no longer had a guiding light.
Anyway, I am happy he is beginning his own sexual journey, and that I am still working on mine. What's nice is that we are both actively working on this, and hopefully will stay there together.
I've been thinking about this need for comfort/security that I have, and how it stops me sexually, and I believe there's a link hee to FOO stuff. I was always an insecure kid, a worrier, and the one person I trusted and relied upon was my father. In trying to get those secirty needs met in marriage, I am, in effect, trying to turn my H into my father. I have had resentment towards H for failing in this regard, but unconsciously, I set him up to fail. I have to re-examine my own needs, take better care of myself, and separate out the role of father vs. spouse. I think if I unlock some of this my sexuality will more readily come forward.
I also realize that I need a bit of tension annd drama to keep the sex alive, that the PBTS ( Peace Between the Sheets) book was not the way for me. And that is part of the discovery, to figure out what works and what doesn't.
I'm curious about the Radical Honesty approach...this sounds like it's up my alley, as I try to get " real" with myself, and as my H tries to do the same.
I'm right there with you, honey. If you get too much peace and security... you turn your H into a parental figure. Eeewhhh...
For me, PBTS helped me and my bf quite a bit... I think for ME, it helped me feel safe with sex. I could RELAX and learn to enjoy and explore... without any need or expectation to take it further. In all honesty, it took quite a lot of pressure off of him, too. Every so often he'll say... 'hey, let's do that again...'
You've already started down the road of radical honesty with your convo with your H this morning. Yeah... it can be stunning... but that is good, cuz it sometimes saves you from saying something stupid in the midst of your shock.
He opened up to you and was very honest. Now you know. Now he knows you know... and you didn't judge him.
Do it again. With EVERYTHING. When you begin to feel pissy, or agitated, angry, resentful... I've found... it is usually some truth of MINE I'm not letting come to the surface... because if I say it... I'll feel weak, or vulnerable, or embarrassed or afraid it might hurt him... and then that's when I think he should just **know** <-- that's my signal, right there.
So then I tell him I'm upset about something, it isn't him... and as soon as I figure it out, I'll tell him. But please, just be a bit patient with me as I work through it, and I PROMISE I will try very hard not to take it out on you.
Lots of times, truth doesn't come spilling out until you are angry or hurt... and then it spills out, sometimes, in very hurtful ways. My personal goal is to avoid that... the other way is much, much, much more thrilling and challenging to me.
Two more quick thoughts I wanted to throw at you. If you are up for it... you could say to your H tonight... "hey honey, next time you MB, would you mind if I watched?"
And two... when you start radical honesty... you will discover that you quickly run out of things to say and talk about, because your mind doesn't have anything to justifying... build a case, for or against, kwis?
And then you go... holy shcit! I have nothing to say... I have no reason to be unhappy. NOW WHAT?! You start exploring... : grin :
Once you get the hang of it... you NEVER run out of a thing to say, ever again... because now what you share is new and exciting... (And I say that in comparison to just transferring necessary information between you and your H or OP. There is a dif, kwis?)
Yeah... it can be stunning... but that is good, cuz it sometimes saves you from saying something stupid in the midst of your shock.
Major giggles.
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Lots of times, truth doesn't come spilling out until you are angry or hurt... and then it spills out, sometimes, in very hurtful ways. My personal goal is to avoid that... the other way is much, much, much more thrilling and challenging to me.
Right now I find that the hurt feelings inside come out as porcupine spines. I told H this, so that he would understand some of my less than stellar moments come from a place of pain. He told me the porcuipine spines won't push him away, and then wanted to show me his,hee hee.
I think this must be the comfortable familiarity you're talking about when you go down the rad. honesty road.
I like the whole concept so far. It appeals to my emotional nature and the need to analyze my feelings. And after all the secrets and shame, I'm betting my H wants to get real too. I've often tried to help him identify emotions, but he's the master at avoiding and deflecting. I hope this is the start of both of us opening up.
It sounds to me like you and your H are on the right track with radical honesty. I just googled it because I didn't know what it was, and now I'm intrigued.
I hope it brings your R to a new and better place.
I'm still chewing on what you said about needing to have things stirred up to feel HD. There may be some truth to that for me, too. Have to ponder that some more.
(And I say that in comparison to just transferring necessary information between you and your H or OP. There is a dif, kwis?)