Basically with MLC'ers...they are confused but they also tend to procrastinate...if they procrastinate long enough sometimes they come to their senses BEFORE they have actually done anything....like file for D
yep sure does. So now he's not calling, do I just not contact anymore? I thought we were making progress, spent big bucks on DB phone help. Goals were to contact me more, more physical, and then wanting to get a local job. He was calling daily, great convo's and last time he was home he held me...so that's 2 of 3. Then back on the road and he's seeing her although he ended it a few weeks ago...yeah right.
Do I just cold turkey? GAL and leave it at that?
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
Do not mention a D if that is not something that you want.
AN2M is right. DO mention the finances, as you have the right to know where you stand there.
Please try to be pleasant not angry but be very to the point. Do not let him sweet talk you. I think they told you here about cake-eating, it sounds like that is what H is doing. And by all means don't let H get you into bed.
I have read thru this thread and I see that you have come a long way in a short time. You are doing well.
Continue to work on you, and show H that you can live without him as you have indicated to us here. You want him but you don't need him. He can't have it both ways.
Set your boundries and stick to them.
Even though it is hard there are positives but, it desn't mean that it will be over any time soon.
You have stated that you see so many M's that don't work out. Well I have seen so many that have they are there, also those are the ones that keep you going and keep your PMA up. This MLC is a long proccess.
Be positive and your attitude will make a differance if not in H it will in you. you and your well being are what matters most(and kids). You can only control you. You can not control H, he needs to figure himself out.
Good luck with the conversation, remember be calm when talking to H do not appear clingy or needy.
Also if it were me i would not contact unless it was an emergency.
JAK
Last edited by jak58; 09/20/0706:24 PM.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Hi Yawmom, I have read through your entire thread and I can feel your anxiety and hear myself 10 months ago. For details you can read back through my threads but in a nutshell I am a success story...
H and I seperated 12/06 and it shocked me...I had no idea it was coming we were not having marital problems at all...Younger OW involved...moved in with she and her two kids (never married, 2 diff daddies) He told me he wanted a D the day after he left and filed in 3/06. Before H filed he asked me to get all bills together and I did trying to keep the piece for the sake of my girls (5,1) H took the info to his L in order to draw up papers. Imho, teill H to go through the bills himself. If he wants a D let him WORK to get it.
OW talked my H into filing and I was served the end of March 06. At that point I would not speak or LOOK at H unless it had something to do with the kids. He dropped off the face of the earth...no money, no visits with the girls...nothing!
I did not show anger, hurt or resentment...I acted "as if" I was fine and moving on with my daughters. When H did come around again I made sure I always looked nice when he picked up the girls and I would not let him in the house. I would watch for him and meet him in the driveway. The way I looked at it, he left and didn't look back why should he come into MY home.
Fast forward to June...went to court on the 1st. Pre-trial meeting...got support ironed out some financial issues. Should have gone back to court the end of June and then 90 days later...D final.
I had finally REALLY accepted it was happening, I was sad but I KNEW I was going to be ok...not just faking it like I had been doing.
We were at my D5's tball game and H came up to me and BLURTED out that he thought the M could work and he wanted to try. We started counseling and still go every other week. H moved home the end of July and things are going very well. We have our arguments and I have my doubts at times if I did the right thing.
We are different now...our M is not the same as it was and to me that is a positive. H is not a good communicator and is working hard to talk to me about everything. I am trying not to be so "nit-picking" with him.
So my advice to you is to act as if he is not coming back...do things for you make you the most important. You can do that! You do not have young children to worry about. After awhile this will begin to feel natural to you.
My H was nice one day and a royal @ss the next so I decided the best thing for me was to talk only when I had to and only about the kids.
H has told me it drove him crazy that I always looked happy and he wondered about what I was doing all the time. He said he saw me going in a great direction and getting on with my life and he knew OW wasn't making him happy and he began to miss his family. H had no idea how I was going to react the day he told me he wanted to come home....H said telling me was his first step in getting his life in order...
Take it slow..do what is best for you...you are the most important...not the MLCer...your H will miss his life and family if you give him something to miss. Do not be available to him and do not talk D at all. Be cool as a cucumber...All of this worked for me and we are all different but I can tell by your posts that you just need lots of advice to wrap your head around the situation.
YOU GUYS ARE FANTASTIC! I TRULY APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT.
Got a question -- I can't manage finances by myself...as of now part of his check goes into the account and I pay bills. He's chaning it and I don't / won't have control. How do you make ends meet? I'm afraid with winter coming what I'll do. I don't mind selling the car <<his idea anyway, but I don't want bad credit. He's been actually very good about everything,tells me he doesn't want me to lose the house. But I can't afford everything if he cuts me off. scary...any input?
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
Honey, you have been married far tooooo long for him to legally just cut you off....it is called alimony! If you feel he is about to do something like that then I suggest you get to your local court house and see about getting a consultation with an attorney or if they have a family law center like we have here where you can sit down and have attornies help you with the paper work involved to do things yourself to protect financially...that doesn't mean you file for D necessarily but legal separations do out line alimony if it is owed....
I'm hoping he will. We havent' discussed lately. Just a worrier. I'll present it to him, I told him I've always been honest and he doesn't doubt it. He's actually been pretty good, but MLCer's are a tricky sort. I've heard stories where they run themselves into debt and I've been trying to get out of it.
Yep, you're right >> he can make bike payments or it's gone.
I just want to hold it together when we talk and when we discuss bills. My heart races and I lose it...today feels like I'm having an anxiety attack...got to get my scrips refilled! Thanks bunches, any other info or tips please feel free.
H is OTR driver - 48 Me 49 married 24yrs 2 sons, 22/20 H going thru MLC
H has to file bankruptcy because during his time gone he managed to amass over $100,000 in debt...the sad part is he really has nothing to show for it except for a few projectors and a bose radio!!!
So I am all about filing for legal separation if only to protect yourself from the debt that is very possible...they get stupider then stupid....and dumber then dumb when they get into the full swing of MLC...not all...but a large number can do some real harm financially...and some....like my H...well they just go off of the deep end and really do it up good!...my only consolation is he probably won't have a credit card for many many many years....if ever!...but I did protect my credit...I ended up with about $17,000 of his debt accredited to me...he is just now paying that off but I have it down to $13,000 (doing this on limited income as a single parent who has never supported herself materially before is pretty good)...
I agree with imLin!! H was gone six months and acrued over 10K in credit card bills!! Now that he is home we are paying it off together but I am angry about it since we always lived "comfortably"...now we have no savings!
