I'm sorry about the bad day. I couldn't sleep either last night, and DD3 wet the bed. Anyone would think she had a bladder like a Texaco tanker, just from the state of her sheets, stuffed animals, mattress, books, magazines, and various other ephemera, including a nasty collection of blue jay feathers she likes to poke out of the tops of her pajama pants, to give her squawking that touch of realism.....so, I'm not very helpful, but since misery loves company, I'm right here.
I know that in the early stages, I always wanted to write to H and explain myself. If you're feeling that way yourself, then you know how all-consuming that urge can be. Part of your anxiety and troubled mind---this state of hyper-alertness, maybe?---may be the reams of manuscripts flowing through your head. I used to go to work every day and compose fantasy conversations with H---ALL DAY LONG: fortunately, these lodged firmly in my goofy head, so nobody suffered from them but me.
I don't think that it ever does anybody any good to tip them off that the letters won't help. Was it Lester who said, it's just time that will heal you? Nobody wants to hear THAT. But it is true...gotta love that time and distance.
For what it's worth...my suggestion...if you've got letters and writing on the brain: write yourself a fictionalized account of your situation. Make it funny, if you feel that way---then read it to yourself. If you like it, share it with a friend. I found that when I did this sort of silly thing it actually focused my mind, and I started to look forward to finding the time to write my little stories. I'm putting together a strange little scrapbook for myself, a sort of anti-family album, with all kinds of weird things in it: like the calling card of the muscle-bound lady who served me my divorce papers; the poem that OW wrote.... Of course, I must hide my anti-family album from my children. But secrets can be fun.
I just had a fantasy conversation whereby her truck was being repossessed (entirely within the realm of possibility) and she called asking me to bail her out. In my fantasy conversation I redirected her to the OP, who I said I was sure would be more than happy to come to the new-found soulmate's rescue.
With time this seems to suck more and more, though. I think I need to see her come crashing down to earth. While I still (insanely?) cannot stand the thought of her being hurt so badly because I know how it feels, I am begging, pleading, imploring the universe to have the OP abruptly break up with her after this almost 3 weeks of nirvana. Now. Right now. If anyone knows anything of magic, now would be the time to pass on any helpful spells.... I'm starting to not believe in karma, because if there was such a thing, my partner wouldn't be living in fantasy camp with exactly who she asked for and pursued in order to be with, while I'm stuck in the reality of the bills, heartbreak, and shattered trust. If there is karma, why has she landed on her feet after destroying everything, while I did everything I could to be there for her with a pure heart and now find myself on the floor? Why does the OP also always come out on top?? How do I compete with my partner's magical thinking about her fantastic new life? It's like she's joined a cult-- where she just keeps saying how happy she is and how happiness comes from within and then everything falls into place. So then how come she needed another person to make her happy? She didn't do any soul searching to find out how to make herself happy in her own skin. She went looking in someone else's skin to get happy again. When does reality come into play?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Yes, but that coming out on top stuff, landing on her feet stuff---that's just now, and now is nothing, in terms of time's flow. We're all just too used to watching movies and getting to the happy ending in 102 minutes. You won't believe me, but six months from now, you may have very fuzzy and shifting memories of all this crap. But somehow it will have branded you for the good... you wait and see: while the people who have hurt you will still be spinning like tops, yammering on about The secret and their happiness, as though yammering will make it so.
Oh Delia, I hope you're right about that six months thing. As I'm sure you've felt/feel, right now everything is exquisitely painful and sharp and all too crisp. I long for some selective amnesia. Remember the lessons but forget the pain....
Are you ever right about the yammering! If they repeat it often enough they believe it. It almost makes me question my sanity, like she's trying to "Gaslight" me...almost like I walk into a room where she's rearranged the furniture, and she's standing there telling me "No, you're crazy--the night table has always been on the far side of the room, and the bed has always been opposite the window..."
A friend just wrote to say that my partner is a very angry person right now with a huge chip on her shoulder and thinks that everyone is against her...of course, blaming me for that. She's been civil to me in her text messages, but I guess she's trying to rally the troops at my expense. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. All people know about the OP situation is what the OP has said and what my partner has said or how she's acted. I have only expressed my disappointment and shock, but provided no details. She's lied to friends as well, and that's why people have lost respect for her. If anything, I keep saying "She's not a bad person, she's just behaving very badly now". Although it is her doing, it's hard to see a damaged person that I happen to care about isolating herself by her actions. She really has hitched her wagon to this bright shiny star, and gave up a lot to do so. I guess my friend has spoken to my partner, because she said that the edges of her fantasy world are already crumbling, and the veneer isn't quite so shiny. I'm not asking for details because I don't like people to feel caught in the middle or to go back and forth, but I wonder in what way? And rather than feeling satisfied that her little red wagon has some chips in it already, whether re: the OP, finances, or whatever, I feel sorry for her. I get the image of a little kid holding her breath until she gets her way, then looking around to see that all the adults have left the room. Or maybe I'm just feeling generous this evening. It's weird how you can cry and cry for part of the day, then be bitter, then cry again, then be somewhat numb/magnanimous. At least I was feeling more noble before I had to clean the cat litter a few moments ago--usually her job. Now I'm back to being a bit bitter.
Do you find waking up in the morning the hardest part, or last thing before sleeping? I think mornings are the hardest for me.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Really? Good to hear (see my above post). The nearly 3 weeks that she's been gone have been in ultra slow motion. It feels like I've been up for two days and I look at the clock and it's only 10:00 AM!
And has there been progress toward the outcome you'd like to see? Or is it kind of a limbo land? When did you notice the downs easing a bit? Was it in response to a decision/behaviour you made, or was it strictly (ugh!!!) time?
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Yes, the NICE husband is right. With me, though, I think it may have been a full nine months before I sorta, kinda got past this---kind of a gestation period. But I do believe the worst of it will be over soon---the not sleeping part. I'm not sure whether having so many female friends acquainted with both you and your partner, and so willing to involve themselves in the sitch, really helps or hinders. I actually think it may help, though, to have so many people to talk with, provided that they are motivated by kindness.
The friends are a double-edged sword. They haven't lived what I've lived or seen my partner alone with me at home, so they take what she says at face value and see what they see now, and judge, sometimes harshly of her and/or of me. "Throw her stuff on the lawn and change the locks!" Uh, no. That's not me, and this is still someone I care about. Because they feel betrayed as well, they may not be as objective as I'd need. They want me to stop hurting, so they tell me to just give up and get onto the next thing--as you know, easier said than done, and not necessarily my ultimate goal. A bit of broken telephone is going on, and could be adding fuel to the fire. That's why I'm talking less to my "live" friends, and more to my virtual ones. At least that way there are fewer chances to have anything misinterpreted and repeated.
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
Am leaving to go to the country from Saturday afternoon until Monday. My partner doesn't know I'm going and my cell won't work where I'll be. I'm bringing the dogs, so she won't be able to see them at my parents' house. Question: should I give her the emergency contact number where someone can call if there's something urgent? She's still my family, and if anything health-related should arise, I'd like to know. I know she wouldn't call unless something happened that was serious. Despite everything, I know I'd be able to call her if something awful happened...
"In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce. The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage." -- Robert Anderson
You've probably already left her the number...but maybe next time, just leave her in the dark. Sounds mean, but at this point you are probably very eager for her to contact you, hoping that she will come to you in illness, if nothing else: while she is simply too preoccupied with her new excitement to pay you much nevermind. What you want to do, if you possibly can, is to make the opposite occur. You want to be elusive, and interesting enough for her to come pursuing. That's why people tell you to GAL. Actually, if you can manage it, even just pretending to get a life is the only thing really likely to work.
