I think I have kept up with cm34/redheadwife's threads. I have gone back and read a little of RealJourney, (too much to read it all) I could have written RJ's story myself, down to the cooking in Dec./Jan. Are we long lost twins?
Corri, I really appreciate your insight/knowledge/experience.
It is making me aware that maybe my LD is due to.... contentment. Is there anything physical to this or is it all psychological? I am not on any meds. Why do some women totally shut off sexually after an A and others become HD? Or do we just become aware of our part in the problem? Why does it take such a betrayal to see the light? How do you keep it alive without having to go through the pain and such extremes?
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
There have been SEVERAL brain mapping studies that indicate that feelings/emotions precede thought. Meaning, before the whole 'chemical' shcit in your brain starts the coding, mapping, and labeling of 'what occurred,' and what all that means, it was first preceded by an emotion... that does NOT start in the brain.
Which kind of blows their minds.
How we CHOOSE to feel, label, remember, said emotion... will largely be based on PAST experience. If we have NO experience on which to base an emotion... it will send us into a virtual TAIL SPIN... for the mind is desperately seeking to make sense of something for which is has no reference.
If it feels remotely like pain... that's the first thing the brain will grab to label it with. It could be euphoria. But. It will look for the closest comparable thing. kwis?
So. We know how the brain works. Scientists are still completely befuddled by emotions. Cuz THAT is what is seemingly driving the bus.
Why people do/feel different things in a given situation is irrelevant... unless you are someone doing a study.
For you and I... what is important to consider is... what is. I think it is very important to read and learn about HOW to consider... 'what is'... so that you can THEN determine course of action.
Most people get caught up in 'why.' I know I did/have/do. Jesus Christ, 'why' was the third word I learned how to speak.
So. Given what I have just said to you... make an attempt to throw out your own answers, and let's go from there.
I think I have kept up with cm34/redheadwife's threads. I have gone back and read a little of RealJourney, (too much to read it all) I could have written RJ's story myself, down to the cooking in Dec./Jan. Are we long lost twins?
LOL. Can you see to it that our story has a happy ending?
Corri - So. Given what I have just said to you... make an attempt to throw out your own answers, and let's go from there. This is hard. Very Hard. My H's EA/PA? (always denied) was 7 years ago. I still have trust issues. Whenever a situation arises where I have "concern" my D sky rockets. Ok, maybe not every time. Sometimes I get an "I don't care attitude", I can't make him turn to me instead of someone else. BUT, then I have the internal dialogue, the drama, the chaos of what if? Maybe it's that I have learned to re-connect with him through sex, when I am feeling dis-connected. Sometimes I have felt like Gwyn, better to just throw in the towel. I read the BB to know I am not the only person going through this, to know others have succeeded, I can too. Yet, the pain is still as if it happened yesterday, so will I ever get over it? Is that good, that I re-live and therefore make sure "I" am aware of "my" part in the problem or is it my problem now and something I may never get past? I think I am rambling and off subject, it may no longer be SSM but rather after the affair... 7 years later and I haven't dealt with the emotions & ramifications.
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Corri, My question- Yet, the pain is still as if it happened yesterday, so will I ever get over it? Is that good, that I re-live and therefore make sure "I" am aware of "my" part in the problem or is it my problem now and something I may never get past? The answer, I don't think I will ever get over it. At times I'm not even sure I have truly forgiven H and I know I will never forget. It keeps me on my toes always monitoring the R, wondering if we're OK, never able to relax. It's hard work. It is my problem now, I have to really listen to his needs and meet them. I tell myself if it happens again I am walking out the door with my head high. Yet when a situation presents itself I find myself trying to control H rather than be confident in myself and my R. My brain knows this, yet I react from emotions and feelings. UGH! back to my original question- when those insecure feelings kick in so does my drive. When we have a disagreement my drive goes up. Chemical rush? Competitive reaction?
Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle. (Amy Bloom)
Chemical rush, everything gets going your simulating and intense level of emotional excitement with your own self doubt. Thats the "drive" part as far as I'm concerned there's allot to the brain chemistry of desire but I think it's part of a greater hole.
Imagine that we had two buttons, a love button and a screw button. Some things push one and not the other we would like to believe that we only have one. I think there are two (at least) separate systems at work. The Madonna /whore and nice guy/jerk aspect of our romantic attraction and behavior is a reflection of that. I know that's not what your asking.
Why does it take "bad" things to get things going I have no idea. You see much more motivation in people when there is doubt about a relationship than when things are good. You hear of so many stories where relationships get to the brink of exploding before people are forced to change.
Maybe that's just a reporting bias. The people who would just change because you asked them politely to "help create a better relationship" just do it and don't think it's a big deal. I hope it's that simple for some people.
What the problem I see is that the excitement through instability kind of "works" as far as keeping things lively in a relationship but also creates an instability in that relationship.
