You sound like overall you are in a healthy place. The pain is real; it will always likely be with you in some form, I suspect. But that is OK, I feel. You cherish the special times and feelings you had with your wife. Nothing wrong with that at all; in fact, it's good to acknowledge those feelings. Don't fall into the trap of rewriting your history, as apparently a lot of MLCers do. You're a bigger person than that. Acknowledging our feelings, including feelings of pain, is a critical step on our journey of growth. Too many men (and maybe a few of our MLC WAW choose "escape" at least temporarily, in shopping, affairs, alchohol, drugs, etc. rather than confront the issues head on. Good for you for dealing squarely with them.
I deeply respect your decision to take some control, especially for the well being of your kids. I don't have kids, but control is something I struggle with lately. I've been pretty good at DB techniques--no guilt, manipulation, demanding an answer about the R, or insisting on seeing her when she said she wants "space." I've done all that!! Yet some days I feel like I'm being a fool. She's out spending up a storm, though we're not yet to insolvency! About three more months at the current pace, however, and we're in some trouble. Still, she's shopping like crazy while I live a Spartan existence in my current place. That's by choice--I'm much more into reading and reflecting on life than shopping at the moment, but she shows no signs of awareness of what she's doing. It's all about her right now--classic MLC!!!! She had to care for the dogs when I was away last weekend, but she sent them to the kennel for two nights!!!!
When I move I'm going to start spending some money to furnish the place. If we end up with a D, I can see myself staying there for a while. I never saw my current place that way; it's not horrible, but I figured we'd either be working together by now or divorced, and thus I never saw myself staying there for more than a few months. Instead of D or working together, however, the limboland goes on and on and on!!!
In short, if one more round of high spending comes in this month, I'm going to try to take control myself by demanding a new financial arrangement while we are "working" on things. I'm not going to let 11 years of fiscal prudence be blown up in a few months of insanity. I've probably waited too long now, but frankly I've got an incentive to let things go for a few more weeks. I'm going to spend some money on things for the new apartment. If we end up with a D, at least she will be paying for half of my new stuff!!! I've helped pay for half of her "fun" all summer, so it's time for a turnabout.
One final question for you--if WAW doesn't want a new financial arrangement, I'm leaning heavily toward taking unilateral action. In other words, opening a new account for my paycheck, cutting her off the credit cards that are primarily in my name (and giving her back my copies of cards that are primarily in her name), and sweeping out half the funds left in the checking account. Then, I'd tell her what I'm doing and that I could not stand by any longer and watch the account dwindle.
That's an escalation I don't want to happen, but one I feel may be coming. Part of me was happy she approached me in the store; I told her so in a brief email. I appreciated her desire to talk on the phone for ten minutes the other night. But those are such small crumbs that I am not going to make too much of them. They are a change from the status quo, however. She even thanked me for a couple flowers I left her at the house the other day when I mowed the lawn. Maybe that's all she's capable of now and I should still be patient, but on the other hand I often feel I need and deserve more and should live my life as I want. The only real sign of progress will be if she says she wants to work together. I am starting to feel that until I hear that, I should assume she's not coming back.
Would you advise a unilateral financial move? My feeling is that it may be warranted if we can't come to an agreement. I'll try to talk to her first, but if she wants no part of that what other choice do I have????? Her family is loaded and can give her whatever she needs the rest of her life; my parents have no money to give me.
This was a long post; thanks for getting through it and keep on your own journey and keep taking care of your kids. Those two matters are what's most important now. You are already a better person, and you will be a more desirable person for a future mate if that is what you want. I'm convinced our society is full of lonely, isolated people desperate for real connection and intimacy.
