I couldn't tell from your reply whether you agreed or disagreed with what I said.
My point is that sure, you try to think ahead, but so many variables are outside our control, especially those involving other people, so often we make very big decisions without really being sure.
I couldn't tell from your reply whether you agreed or disagreed with what I said.
My point is that sure, you try to think ahead, but so many variables are outside our control, especially those involving other people, so often we make very big decisions without really being sure.
Yes, I agree with you 100% ! I was just pointing out that in the case of my ex, she made the leap off of the cliff of divorce and was not prepared for rocks at the bottom (me finding someone else) Had she been more prepared or thought things through more, she probably still jumps but maybe the landing would not have hurt so much.
Corri has pretty much pounded it into my head that yes, we can't control all the variables when it comes to others but WE CAN control how WE react to those variables. If we can somewhat prepare ourselves for whatever variables we can foresee, then we can control how we are going to choose to react.
I think more often than not, when a M ends because of the WAS is leaving for OW/OM, they aren't prepared that you the BS moves on and eventually will also find someway. Remember, it's all about them, not you. How dare you find someone else mentality.
More often than not, the WAS leaves because the WAS is running away from themselves and their own unhappiness. (The OP thing goes with that but it is not the cause.) Lots of people here are divorced. I got divorced and am very happy that I did so.
To be perfectly frank, my concern has nothing to do with your M. Unless your H changed significantly, he clearly brings significant problems to your M that may make it not worth saving. BUT, real and significant change is very possible when a M is recognized as truly being at stake. So, your H might come around.
My concern is that you are a WAW, that you are running away from yourself and from confronting your own issues that will continue to interfere in any R you have. Your unwillingness to risk exposure of yourself *to yourself* at retrouvaille or a similar program speaks loudly to a fear of coming to grips with your own issues.
First you wouldn't do anything because H wouldn't agree. Well, he did agree. Now you won't do anything unless he instigates. My guess is that if he does instigate you will still decline to go. I participated in your other thread. I have seen you avoid confrontation with yourself repeatedly, including in your move to this forum. For your own sake, it is important that you try to break through past your childhood issues for your current R or any other adult R in your life.
You know Ret. reminds me of when I sit in church and hear a sermon that touches the deepest part of my soul. My emotions take over, I cry, I reach out for God, etc. I feel cleansed. I understand that it can be a good opportunity, but I can't get that emotional right now, I'll fall apart and I have come to far for that. I don't want to get confused again because of emotions are playing havoc.
I'll compromise. As soon as I finish posting, I'll e-mail my husband and ask him if he would like for me to make our reservations to Ret. He's said before that he would go IF I thought it would help our M. I can't answer that as that's not why I would go. I would go more for me than for us.
That sounds good. Retrouvaille is not really like being at Church though. It is a wonderful experience, but it is not other worldly. It's more like being at a seminar. But it will help you and your husband communicate better. And it sounds like you are pretty good at it, and he doesn't communicate at all. It will even the skills up there. It is really aimed at skill building, not God reaching. But you can reach God there; that would have to be your choice. No one will push that on you.
You can go for any reason you want to. You can make any use of the program that you want to-- to save the marriage, to end the marriage, personal growth, better understanding of your H, better understanding of the dynamics between you two, self forgiveness, forgiveness of him, falling in love again, deciding for sure you want out. Just be OPEN to the experience. Don't go in with a preconceived idea of what the outcome should be. Whatever happens, it will be a good experience.
If you're into praying, pray that you will get whatever you need from this experience.
