Dancin' Like Nobody's Watching

[Heimlich]

I was really thinking a lady bug too cause they are good luck.

Get a cricket. Just watched Mulan (again, youngest's favorite) and they're good luck too.

I say you just get "MONEY MAMA" tattoed across your knuckles. No one in your office will ever effe with you again.

BD

[Kelley]

I want to put the butterfly & sun like near between my belly button and hip and I want to get another horse on my leg. Not sure which one of them that i am going to get next.

[alk24]

Oh yeah, I remember seeing that GD. I like, I like!

[Gone Dancin']

not an ex yet,

I do plan on leaving the happy trail next time -- thanks for the reinforcement!

I imagine the hair (at least on my chest) will come back a little prickley, but I can't say for sure. I agree that it wouldn't be pleasant for a woman to rub on, but that isn't a concern for me right now and I don't foresee it being one anytime soon!

Kelley,

that is very cool picture. Where did you get it on you?

I got it on my right shoulderblade.

Okay, so I will keep the chest completely waxed then -- got enough consensus on that now, I think. Thanks for your opinion.

alk24,

Oh yeah, I remember seeing that GD. I like, I like!

Thanks! I'm happy with it too. Now what to get next and where...

GD

[JustDontKnow]

Hey GD,

I'm doing good. Just coasting along, feeling peaceful, getting back into work, taking care of the kids. My youngest is playing football in middle school so that has been good. My wife came to watch him play last week, she hadn't been around for more than a month and had only visited once in maybe 6-8wks for 2 days for my oldest son's 16th birthday. She'll be back next week for another 5 day visit. It is both fantastic and frustrating when she is around, but I'm doing ok with it. I've pretty much stopped all contacting of her, she calls me and txt msg me almost daily. I'll call her or send her a txt msg out of the blue once in awhile to mix it up a bit or I'll send her info about the kids or a picture of them or something.

My disappearance from here was just to see how much writing about what was going on and reading about everyone else's seperations, divorces, cheating spouses and all the other crap that WAS and MLC spouses like to inflict on LBSes was contributing to my depression or not. I also decided to stop rehashing my marriage problems with just about everyone but my therapist. I don't know how much taking a break from here helped, but I am doing good. I also was spending a lot of time reading and writing on here, now I'm trying to do other things with my time. Not sure if I'll around yet, feeling things out, reading some about you and Nikki and the others that I used to follow religiously and I'll see how it goes from there. You can always email me for an update if ya miss me

Take care, I might have to think about the back waxing,
-jdk

[christarn]

GD...chest hair in my opinion is rather sexy!!! like I said just my opinion...this is cracking me up

[OneWish]

Hey Bro!

How are you doing? Can you check out my thread and see if you can offer any advice? I will read yours tonight and comment.

OneWish
OneWish

[Gone Dancin']

One Wish,

You probably already saw, but I posted my thoughts on your thread.

christa,

Thanks for the feedback -- I think that I'm going to continue with the waxed chest (and back) as long as I stay in the shape I'm in and keep toning out and burning the little bit of fat I gained as a result of putting on the extra weight and muscle (5'10" and 165-170 now -- woo hoo!). I'll reassess come spring/summer.

GD

[Gone Dancin']

I've decided to post where my current sitch is involving my R with W and her R with her BF. Any feedback is much appreciated.

My W began dating her BF in March -- 4 months after our separation and 2 months after I filed for D. During this time I have not questioned her about this R or criticized her for it. She moved in with him about 2 1/2 months ago, and he is now becoming a piece of doggie do do to her (according to mutual friends), and she complains about him frequently. He made her feel "really special" and like "everything was about her" for the first 3-4 months. Then, when she moved in with him, the fantasy/honeymoon period was over and reality set in. Apparently they bicker and fight quite a bit. She found out that he is lazy, insecure (and as a result a bit controlling), and also somewhat disrespectful. Apparently he comes home from work and either goes and takes a nap or watches Sportscenter all evening. All he does on the weekend is watch football (which I LOVE too, but it is more important to him than my W is). W has to do all of the cleaning up (for my kids AND his), as well as all of the cooking. She complained to our friends that he "never touches her anymore." He always wants to go out with her on "girl's night out." He won't let her go out to the bars wearing pink because "she looks too good in it," (translating into "I'm insecure and don't trust you being around horny guys at the bar"). He also has an "ex wife" keepsake box that contains naked pics of his exes that he won't get rid of -- charming, eh? Combine all of this with the fact that he's 38 and she's 26, he's out of shape and I'm in pretty good shape, I've got a degree and much better earning potential, he's mostly bald and I'm not bald at all (no offense to anyone who is), he is apparently pretty socially inept, and he pays full child support to both exes for 2 kids (which leaves him pretty strapped financially).

I can't say for sure, but I'm betting that she has compared the two of us on more than one occasion, and likely has done so recently given their new relationship dynamics. I'm sure the emotional and physical changes I've clearly made (and that she has finally acknowledged) are helping her to look at me in a more positive light. I'm sure my pull back on the money offer has caused some anger/resentment toward me on her part, but I think that will get better with time. Anyway, I'm sure she's looking at how she made a mistake with getting so deep into this new relationship, and that I might not be so bad after all given the new me (she may finally be reflecting on what she had and how it could be even better now given my changes). However, she's stuck between a rock and a hard place: She can't afford to get out of this R and back on her own (she's got too much pride to ask me for help, I think, and I'm sure she's afraid that doing so would cause me to feel empowered and be like "I knew it wouldn't work!" and that I would possibly gloat about it). And she's got too much pride to come back to me even if she wanted to (at least at this point). She would feel embarrassed and shameful, and like a loser to all of her friends, family, and me. I think come holiday season, she's going to hit rock bottom. This is just a hunch, but if her BF doesn't make any changes in himself, I think W is going to get emotional around Xmas time (given all of our history and memories, and the fact that our divorce is set for Dec 7th), and that she might actually want to talk to me about giving us another go.

It's a long shot, but possible. No expectations, just speculating. If it doesn't happen, it's okay -- I'm just working on me and being happy with me. The one thing that I'm confused on is how I can walk that tight rope of just being friendly and not showing any pursuit, while simultaneously avoiding anything that might make her angry with me. Like all of us, I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I can do that will draw her toward me and my picnic. However, since I don't, I will just have to try and walk that tight rope and hope that I'm not making any mistakes. I never want her to interpret my kindness or politeness as pursuing, but yet I don't want to come across as negative in any way. It's hard for me to figure out where the middle ground for this is so I can avoid either pitfall.

Anyway, that is where I currently stand. I'm wanting to avoid dating until the D is final, just because I think it shows respect to her (despite her dating the BF). However, I almost feel like she would feel some relief if I dated just because it would put us on a more even keel. That way, if she decided she wanted to come back, she would feel like I would have less to hold over her head simply because I too involved myself in a new R before the D was final. It would make her feel less guilty. I won't date just because of this possibility, but the idea has me curious nonetheless. Thoughts on this?

Currently my R with W is where it has been for about the last 4 months. I only talk to her on Sunday when she picks up the kids. A few weeks ago she did call me on Monday crying because she had fallen asleep after work and wasn't going to make it to daycare to pick up the kids in time. I validated, calmed her down as best I could, and told her that I could pick them up and meet her back at my house and she could meet me there. I did that and she was appreciative. The next day she called me about a few things regarding our S's homework and a few other things regarding the kids, and then lingered a bit, thinking that there was something else she had to say. I just told her that if she remembered what it was she could just call me back, and thereby intiating an end to the convo myself in a polite fashion. This call was strange because she usually doesn't call about these things, and she even laughed and joked about a library book our S has checked out.

Other than that, though, communication has been short and sweet. When she's come by to pick up the kids over the last month, I've either had them right at the door and ready to go, or had them outside playing and therefore immediately ready to go. I've been pleasant, but short and sweet, and have discontinued asking her about her health, if she needed anything, etc. Just keeping things completely business-like. I've even taken the initiative to ask her to begin working with the custody schedule that was decided in mediation, which will mean that we will not see each other AT ALL -- no more Sunday pick ups, we will be exchanging kids at daycare. I think this is good because it could really cause her to wonder about me, and as a result possibly cause her to begin to miss me (esp with her being around the not-so-great BF all of the time). Even if it doesn't though, I think it will be good for me because I won't have to see her and get all of these feelings refreshed week to week. I guess we'll just have to see where things are at come close to Xmas and our D date.

Thanks to all who plowed through the above -- needed to get that out (it's been a while since I've posted any thoughts on my sitch)!

GD

[Nomopo]

Hi GD! You sound great!!! You are thinking so CLEARLY! Good for you my friend.

I'm just working on me and being happy with me. The one thing that I'm confused on is how I can walk that tight rope of just being friendly and not showing any pursuit, while simultaneously avoiding anything that might make her angry with me.

Few thoughts - To not show any pursuit, don't pursue. Simple, huh? In other words, worry less about her, whether it looks like pursuit, and whether what you do will make her angry. Truly follow your words in the first sentence - work on (or focus on) you.

Like all of us, I just wish I knew EXACTLY what I can do that will draw her toward me and my picnic.

Don't try to draw her in. Just work on you and your picnic for you. She may or may not be drawn to it. If she is (and I bet she will be), great. If not, it's ok. You couldn't control that. Just make it the best damn picnic. This is best for you!!! And it gives you the best shot of drawing her back, but that is just an ancillary benefit.

However, since I don't, I will just have to try and walk that tight rope and hope that I'm not making any mistakes.

Don't live out of fear. Don't ping off her so much. Focus on GD, for GD, for GD's kids. It's really as simple (but oh so hard) as Michele says - stop the chase and focus on you (eg, GAL).

I never want her to interpret my kindness or politeness as pursuing, but yet I don't want to come across as negative in any way.

You cannot control how she interprets what you do or how you "come off" to her. So quit planning your actions based on how she will perceive them. Take action cause it's what you want to do or what is best for you! If she interprets them the right way, that's the best result. If she doesn't that's not your fault, and not something you can control. Again, stop planning your moves based on her. Do it for you!!!!!!

It's hard for me to figure out where the middle ground for this is so I can avoid either pitfall.

But's it's easier for you to stop worrying about pitfalls and to figure out what you want for you and what is best for you. Right?

Repeat after me - "Focus on me!!!"

I'm wanting to avoid dating until the D is final, just because I think it shows respect to her (despite her dating the BF).

Again what's best for you? Avoiding dating or dating? It could be either one, but answer based on what you want or what you think is right for you - not her.

However, I almost feel like she would feel some relief if I dated just because it would put us on a more even keel. That way, if she decided she wanted to come back, she would feel like I would have less to hold over her head simply because I too involved myself in a new R before the D was final. It would make her feel less guilty. I won't date just because of this possibility, but the idea has me curious nonetheless.

Interesting. But also irrelevant.

Thoughts on this?

I've been dating. It's been awesome!! Apparently there are a number of women out there he think I am fun, funny, handsome, sexy (can you believe it???), etc. All things that my W used to see. All things that I believe/guess are still there even if my W refuses to see them. I'd say this dating has been healthy. My biggest fear - if W decides she wants to take another shot at us, and if I decide I want to as well, I think there is a good chance I will be hurting someone else, and that does make me feel bad. But I have been completely honest with all other women about my sitch.

Anyone, those are my thoughts. I thin about you often GD, and I follow you on my BB all the time, even if I am not posting much these days. Take care. I hope this helps.

Nomo

Currently my R with W is where it has been for about the last 4 months. I only talk to her on Sunday when she picks up the kids. A few weeks ago she did call me on Monday crying because she had fallen asleep after work and wasn't going to make it to daycare to pick up the kids in time. I validated, calmed her down as best I could, and told her that I could pick them up and meet her back at my house and she could meet me there. I did that and she was appreciative. The next day she called me about a few things regarding our S's homework and a few other things regarding the kids, and then lingered a bit, thinking that there was something else she had to say. I just told her that if she remembered what it was she could just call me back, and thereby intiating an end to the convo myself in a polite fashion. This call was strange because she usually doesn't call about these things, and she even laughed and joked about a library book our S has checked out.

Other than that, though, communication has been short and sweet. When she's come by to pick up the kids over the last month, I've either had them right at the door and ready to go, or had them outside playing and therefore immediately ready to go. I've been pleasant, but short and sweet, and have discontinued asking her about her health, if she needed anything, etc. Just keeping things completely business-like. I've even taken the initiative to ask her to begin working with the custody schedule that was decided in mediation, which will mean that we will not see each other AT ALL -- no more Sunday pick ups, we will be exchanging kids at daycare. I think this is good because it could really cause her to wonder about me, and as a result possibly cause her to begin to miss me (esp with her being around the not-so-great BF all of the time). Even if it doesn't though, I think it will be good for me because I won't have to see her and get all of these feelings refreshed week to week. I guess we'll just have to see where things are at come close to Xmas and our D date.

Thanks to all who plowed through the above -- needed to get that out (it's been a while since I've posted any thoughts on my sitch)!

GD [/quote]