The retreat was wonderful. So affirming. It's easy, and necessary, to look at our personal failings, but the retreat was uplifting. Felt great to be around warm, intimate people given WAW and I don't see each other much or even talk on the phone much. I'm really learning about non-verbal communication, and how critical it is to healthy relationships. I had been too much a bookish, rational person for too long, and I'm working on changing that. It feels great--a whole new way to look at life. Keep working on yourself, mile high, and protect the kids! You are courageous and heroic for doing those two things.
WAW came up to me at a store two nights ago and said hello and made some small talk about a trip I took last weekend to visit my parents. She initiated the contact; I hadn't seen her. I hadn't been to my parents' house in years (I had seen them elsewhere, however) and it felt great to connect with them and other relatives. WAW said she was glad to hear I went. I called her the other night after she left me a message about missing keys. Unlike in the past, this time she seemed to want to talk. A litle small talk about the dogs, then I told her about Terrence Real's books and how she might enjoy them. She seemed interested. I had told her in an email earlier in the day that I'm moving to a new apartment in a month and that I'm still willing to try to co-create a new marriage with a healthier script. On the phone, she thanked me for the email but offered nothing really substantive emotionally.
So, I'm not going to overanalyze things. I'm still moving on with self-growth and discovery. Right now it's the most important thing in my life. I can't wait for what I read each day, and I'm trying to spread joy to others and experience joy for myself. I'm very much into the Buddhist idea of living the moment--feeling all that I feel right now with less crying about the past and less worry about the future. Right now is all that we have, and it feels great to get back on the boards and connect with people again.
One final suggestion, mile high. I think you would find Terrence Real's earlier book "I Don't Want to Talk About It" very enlightening. He writes about "covert depression" in men, which comes from socialization patterns in society and families. Men are "taught" and "encouraged" to disconnect from feelings, and as a result we plunge into work, various addictions, etc. to cope with that trauma. He writes of "passive trauma" which is emotional neglect from our caregivers as youth. Usually this comes from emotionally absent fathers. Only when a man confonts that underlying trauma can he truly grow into someone more capable of real intimacy.
You might also try soulfulllving.com. They have a daily email message of personal growth that is often very helpful. The messages themselves are great, but they also have led me to authors, websites, etc. that have been wonderfully enlightening.
Go make it a good day; give yourself and others some joy.
