I agree with Theo. IMHO, it is good to let him know you are not happy with the situation, so showing that you are upset (with clearly stated reasons) are OK. But not all the time. At the same time, being super nice to him all the time may lead him to think that cake eating is fine. So there needs to be a balance.
I am guessing that he fears about you leaving. That's why he is so concerned about your being upset. When you go dark, detach, he will get a taste of life without you. At some point, he knows he needs to make a decision, you or OW. If he is still crazy, he will choose OW, but it seems like he is coming out of the fog because he does care about you and tried to please you. So hopefully he will choose you and really work on cutting off the contact (which will be tough as you know my sitch).
I find out that everything we have an argument, I need to give him some space to ponder about our argument. During the argument, we may not be totally rational. But afterwards, his actions will show where his heart is.
theo, if you don't mind, can I take your advice and use it for myself? LO and I have similar situations and I love what you said. Opened my eyes to the fact that me harping on OW and phone calls yet again will only make matters worse. Its never helped in the past, that's for sure.
And you are right, whether the phone calls are happening or not, we are responsible only for ourselves and doing what we have to do to stay sane and have fun. Thanks.
And you are right, whether the phone calls are happening or not, we are responsible only for ourselves and doing what we have to do to stay sane and have fun.
Lwb, sounds like you got it figured out. I know I may be the last one anyone wants advice from since my sitch did not end happily...but here's my 2 cents. In hindsight, I did not focus on myself enough. Honestly, I waited too many months to GAL and detach....DO IT and DO IT NOW. Your life is going to go on either way. Get off the rollercoaster...it will only make you miserable. FOCUS ON YOU.
M:28, D finalized: 8/28/07 Current Thread
"When life gives you a hundred reasons to cry, show life that you have a thousand reasons to smile."
Living in constantly pissy mood because your husband is still in contact with OW does neither you nor your husband any good -- it's not attractive
Don't get me wrong. I do not go around being po'd all the time. Nor do I harp on the fact that he needs to end all contact. I told him that a week ago. He knows where I stand.
What happened yesterday was that we had a nice little convo and he asked me a ton of questions about "me", my feelings, etc. He ticked me off later when I thought he was blowing me off. I will admit that I do feel a bit like a ticking time-bomb right now.
I can't imagine anyone not having a pissy moment every now and then during all of this upheaval. I don't think you would be mortal if you didn't. We just have to work at it. Easier said than done most of the time, but we do get better don't we?
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
Lester Wrote: >>That's about to change. I'm planning on letting her go this week.<<
So what are you saying? What do you prepare to do if she refuses? I forgot if you are still living together, but does this mean separation? Have you found an apartment? Does this mean you are filing for divorce? I hope you are clear about the consequences and not making an empty threat... if you really are planning to do this....
>>I think part of the problem with DB, no offense is it's too passive. You take the abuse but you go out dancing every night. I'm starting to become skeptical of this approach.<<
I'm sure it's different for every person, but the whole thing made a lot of sense to me. The combination of detaching and being passive allowed me to go in other directions than I normally would have done (being more the "controller" or "fixer" in the family). I could fully let go of my situation without trying to control it and never regretted anything I said or did. This gave me a lot of peace during a difficult time. And even though I didn't go dancing every night (just every other night... only kidding!!!), I had a lot of fun and talked with a lot of interesting people. I used to say to one of my best friends that it was like being 16 again, but with a credit card, chocolate martinis, and no curfew! It was both the worst and best summer of my life. I wouldn't have wanted to live this way forever, but after being a "stepford wife" for a few years prebomb (trying to make someome with impossible expectations happy) it was a wonderful break and helped me see life in a different way.
Sorry LO if I'm hijacking here. I don't blame you for your anger and reactions. If my husband was still in contact with OW I would be upset too (However, I am thinking of installing some software to check on this...). Although, oddly, I'd probably be pushing him at her. I've developed a bad habit of doing that. It's something I do struggle with. I guess many of us here do carry scars we try to deal with in inexplicable ways. Whether it's anger, or staying in detachment, or some other reaction.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROOT, I have that same problem. At times, I too try to push him at her. "If ow's so great, go and be happy with her." I think I do it because I know that if he married her, a few years down the line she would cheat on him, too.
Had a great family night last night. I held my temper in check. How can something this jacked up seem so normal at times???
Have you and your husband accepted that it's OK for him to have an affair?
Telling him you don't like the affair, and then being nice to him are sending two contrary messages. You are saying, "This affair upsets me, but I'm tolerating it and will remain your loving wife."
Again, I think, you need to be less available for him:
1. No sex 2. Tell him you are done working on the relationship with him and need to move on with you life. If he's willing to stop contact with OW, then you might reconsider. 3. Get several night out, go have fun. That is SHOW him you are moving on with your life. 4. Make no plans with him. Do things for you an your daughter. 5. Set a time limit on this new way of being. 6. After the time limit, give him an ultimatum. Remember, Michelle writes about this. There is the LRT and then there's the After the LRT.
Olive, how long do want to remain in this impasse of your husband having an affair?
Knowing there's an end to this for me has helped me a lot. It's quite simple: When we are able to divide a household, if my wife is still in contact with OM, I'm divorcing her.
