Thoughts on phone calls

[BryanS]

So I talked to W tonight and I screwed up. She was telling me about some salary negotiations she's doing for her new job and one of the things she used as leverage was having to maintain two households. She said to me "they don't know any better". After asking what she meant (mistake #1 cause I knew what she meant, I just wanted to challenge her to say it), she said about the fact that we're probably going to get a D.

That hit me so hard, I was shocked. I've been seeing a lot of positive signs from her, I've been trying to detach but when she said that, and the off-hand "gee isn't the weather nice" tone she used floored me. She could tell and asked what was wrong which was like twisting the knife a little more. I mean, how could she not know what was wrong when I've been working my ass off to save this M? I mentioned what she'd just said (mistake #2, not projecting total contentment) and she got quiet and apologized for hurting my feelings and she said I thought we'd agreed this was the path. I collected myself and tried to bounce back but couldn't really so I got off the phone.

I sat and stewed on this for a few minutes and then I thought why am I surprised? If I'm detaching, then I should accept her for who she is; the only reason I got my feelings hurt is because I expected something from her I had no right to expect. So I called her back (mistake #3, persuing) and apologized for my reaction. Said that's just how she feels and there was no reason to get hurt over it. I think that impressed her a little. I also said I shouldn't get my feelings hurt because I don't think the D will happen anyway so why get upset about something I don't think will occur (mistake # 4, tipping my hand). She said I sounded confident and her tone implied in a good way. She asked why I thought that and I said because she still loved me and I still loved her (mistake # 5, o ILYs) and that the next couple of years will be tough but we will make it.

In the end, I said too much and definitely lost it for a bit but, when I was hanging up the phone with her, she said "I miss you". I smiled and said I know, I miss you too. Goodnight and the call was over.

Yeah, I think I screwed up but I'm not sure that I could have really played it better at this point in my program. I made a mistake and I tried to recover it but made a few more in the process. In the end, things seemed to come out OK but I am still a little taken aback by her D comments. I know this is a HUGE deal for her, reneging on wanting the D has so many implications for her that she's not OK with so I should be more understanding about it.