Falling slowly

[ReDesigner]

Falling slowly has just turned to accelerating, I saw my L yesterday. Her response now is that we can move towards D. The reply to our petition was, according to her - a load of "bs." The thing was a fill-in-the-blank template that hadn't even been corrected to our situation in places. It was pathetic and sloppy work from his L.

I'm getting so worn down. Like clockwork, if it's Tuesday, it must be Breakdown-into-tears-Day. It's happening too often and I admitted this to my L. She agreed, said I had to wait to long.

Knowing I was about to meet my L for our response to H's reponse to the D petition, I worried that the cost of the legal process would go out of control. I felt I had to make one more attempt to find out what he really wanted. Meeting in a park on the weekend for 45 minutes, I realized that he is so stuck. He has not at all changed his stance in the almost two years he's been getting deeper into his EA, then full-blown A. In fact, I came away from the meeting feeling that I'd lost the war, but won a few battles. That notion was quickly dispelled when I found three emails from him. One said he was going to pay two more months alimony during my job probation. The other one was his delayed reaction to the small battles I'd won. The blame and accusation just got worse. I didn't bother to respond to the abuse. It made no sense, was full of self-justification and even a few made-up charges against me. It was the clearest evidence how lost he is and incapable of reason.

Funny, but everyone says he's going to hit a wall soon. He's in debt, he shipped our d(15) off to his brother, three time zones away (a form of abduction, according to my L.), might quit his 6-figure job, be unemployed - to be with OW and her 4 kids and wants me to pay him 10s of thousands so he'll sign over the house to me. My L can't figure out how he arrived at the figure. I think it's what he figures is half of whatever equity is left if the house gets sold. It's not even on the market right now because I want to move into it and rent the spare rooms. He complained to me of his mounting debt, according to him because of the house expenses and paying for the private school for our d(15) but I know he's not counting all the travel he did to pursue the OW all over the continent. A friend tells me that he's hit the wall, alright... he just keeps banging his head against it, hoping to get through!

Since I just started my new job and have been put on the typical 30-wait list to get paid, I cannot really afford to prolong the process. What is most sad is he's still in his MLC and is not accepting that he can't afford this either, nor to continue to finance his A.

My lawyer confirmed that the last document was really testament to the fact my H has serious mental/emotional disorders. She thinks it's clinical depression, having seen it a lot before. I'm sure it's more than just MLC, piled on top of SAD and other problems that my efforts to DB cannot overcome.

Sadly, I am resigned to the process that will likely see this M deleted and trashed in about a month.

Well...I can say I did try and that I have regained myself, look great - about 15 years younger than I am and now have a great job. I still respect the institution of M. I also believe that mental illness is a many-headed dragon.

I'll grieve for sure. I'll miss my d(15) who I hope will realize she should be with me, regardless of where I live. I'll attempt to be a phoenix and will ensure that I have learned valuable lessons about myself. Thank you all for your support.