Plank removed from eye, too late for WAW? 5

[Heimlich]

Thanks, OT. I know that, just don't want to believe it. I'm pretty sure she gave up from a combo of me not changing and her still having feelings for him. Stupid me for trusting her -- I never made an issue of her continuing to work in the same company. Maybe should have.

It's just so damn frustrating that I finally figured [censored] out and she's moved on. Other than the idiocy of thinking that a man like that is someone to possibly build a life with, I know that I don't really have a hold on her. It's just that I know, deep down, that if she spent the time talking to me, not her mom or OM or anyone else, we could sort this out because our differences aren't that huge. AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEEE.


BD

[waw1978]

Like they say H it ain't over till that fat lady sings...don't totally give up. Detach, GAL and keep up what your doing. These changes are for YOU and will make you a better man. Whether you reconcile with W or not, you will be all the better for it.

[Kelley]

Heim,
I said the same things too that besides the OP in his life that our problems were solvable if both actually put an effort into it but we always figure out things too late. The good part of this is that you recognize what the problems were and you make yourself a better person for it. So many people get D, re-M then only get D again besides they bring the same old problems into it just a different person.

[Heimlich]

Thanks, ladies. I've got some low-grade hope going and just trying to figure out myself and make myself a better person. Worked out in a gym for the first time (other htan a hotel gym) since high-school football. Little strange, but nice to have a lot of equipment. I is sore, but in a good way.

I need to sit down and identify many of my weaknesses. I know what they are, but putting them on paper will make them real. Now, if I can just turn off the HD TV (I swear, I find myself watching something just because it's pretty.) and get to work on myself, I'll be in good shape.

No contact from W today. Opened up my own checking account. That felt strange, and I won't say good, but like I'm now really on my own. A few final joint bills to cover and we'll divvy up the remainder of the checking account and be, basically, two independent people with no hold on each other. After almost 17 years, that's wierd. Anyway, back to judging some awards.

My oldest just asked when she could stay over again because she missed me, that was nice and good for the PMA. Lining up some excursions with them for the coming weekends. Should be fun.

BD

[Gone Dancin']

Worked out in a gym for the first time (other htan a hotel gym) since high-school football. Little strange, but nice to have a lot of equipment. I is sore, but in a good way.

Good for you, Heim! No matter how unmotivated you feel at times, stay focused on your goals and the eventual results -- it keeps you going! Even when I don't want to go work out, I go anyway because I know how good I feel afterwards. Plus, since I've been doing it for awhile and have seen the results, that helps me stay motivated too. Something else that keeps me motivated (though maybe it shouldn't at this point) is the fact that W's BF is out of shape, and the better I communicate AND LOOK when I'm around W, the more she will likely reflect on her choice to walk away. That may not be true, but I'm pretty sure it would be hard for her not to.

Like a couple of weeks ago, when she came and picked up the kids I was wearing an A shirt (typically known as woman/wife beater shirts -- unfortunately). Since putting on 25 lbs, and most of it muscle, I know that I was looking good and she had to notice. It was the first time I'd worn anything that accentuated or showed off my physical changes since she left and it was actually really fun and gave me a lot of confidence at the time. Also, because of the type of shirt, it exposed my new (and first) tattoo on my shoulder blade (which I don't know if she knew about), and I know she saw that too. That probably threw her off a little too, since I wasn't really interested in getting one previously and she was all about it.

Just planting seeds of doubt with NO expectations at all anymore. The door is only cracked open, and I'm just enjoying my picnic with my back turned to the castle. According to my DB coach, that is when most of the WAS's actually come back, because at that point they can really sense that the LBS is moving on.

I just bask in the joy of my own splendor, as well as the knowledge that her R with OM isn't so great afterall. It will not last, and soon enough she will realize that the grass wasn't greener afterall, and she will also see that I have become a much better person because of this experience and that I actually was able to make the necessary changes for me. She will realize that she should've given me a chance, and that we could've made our M a great one. Maybe then she will realize that she needs to make changes too, and might also be able to swallow her pride and ask for us to give it another chance. It is a long shot, but I know that she will always wonder.

Sorry for the hijack -- should've posted all of this on my own thread!

My oldest just asked when she could stay over again because she missed me, that was nice and good for the PMA. Lining up some excursions with them for the coming weekends. Should be fun.

That is great to hear -- hope you guys have some good, quality time together. That is the best thing you can do for them right now!

Take care, brotha!

GD

[Disillussioned]

[quote=Gone Dancin']

Also, because of the type of shirt, it exposed my new (and first) tattoo on my shoulder blade (which I don't know if she knew about), and I know she saw that too. That probably threw her off a little too, since I wasn't really interested in getting one previously and she was all about it.

I like the attitude Dancin. I've been considering a tatoo myself.

Heim,
You seem to be in a good place also. Keep up the PMA.

[Heimlich]

GD,

I've been working out pretty steadily in my basement for about 4 months -- and have lost about 20 to 25 pounds doing so (full weight set, a little cramped, but it was functional). It was definately different actually being in a gym. I'm a free weights guy, wierd the different vibe between that room and the room with machines in it. Some absolutely HUGE guys working out in there. Anyway, will take some getting used to, but I'll be able to get a lot more done, exercise wise, that I just didn't have room for at home. Don't look good in a wifebeater yet, but that's one of my goals (40oz Schlitz accessory optional ) I do know that I look a hell of a lot better than I did in April. Plus, looking forward to trying the yoga classes.

Feel free to hijack anytime. Just box me up and ship me home if I make it to the ski trip, but hit a tree on the bunny slope

Mini-Journal

Took the girls for a walk around a small lake just around the corner. For some reason, my youngest has taken to making pawing sounds and saying 'rowr' in a sultry (for a near six year old) voice. Funny as hell. Also discovered that she and Xavier are in love -- oh, and he loves her back. My kids are gorgeous, but I was hoping for a little longer delay of this nightmare. Gotta work on my crazy dad routine.

Anyway, W came in to get them ready. She lingered a bit; at least I'm pretty sure. She had dressed up today, told her she looked nice. Said she was trying to figure out something for dinner, offered some chicken breasts I had baked. She declined. She asked me if I could take Lauren to girl scouts tomorrow. She was kind of apologetic. I said something like, It's not a problem and it's not like I'm doing you a favor, they're my kids too. This isn't really different from normal. We have to coordinate, it's no big deal. She started to say something which felt like 'but the way things are' but she stopped herself (if that makes any sense).

We were chitchatting and she had sat down and our youngest starts chanting "mama and daddy sitting in a tree". We laughed for a few minutes, then asked her to stop.

At some point, and she was inside for about 10/15 minutes, I swear she had that glassy eyed teary thing of getting a little teared up. I'm sure it's just guilt, but who knows.

It's only been 3 days, but she's not just swooped in and herded them out Monday and and today (she did yesterday, but they were going to a school event). Anyway, that's something I'm going to monitor -- see if she walks in and out or talks to me a little about whatever.

Anyway, a little UFC action tonight. It'll do until there's a football game on again.

BD

[Heimlich]

I just bask in the joy of my own splendor,

You almost got me to snarf when I read this. Sounds like exactly something I would say back when I really felt good about myself. Getting back to that place is a good thing.

Unless I'm having one of my insane moments, I feel just about the same way that you do, except the door is still almost entirely open, not just cracked.

BD

[dlt1]

Hi Heim, looking good. Build on those PMA moments. Keep that door open, just remeber not to run to it when she peeks through. A smile or wink at most, then wait more more.

[delia]

Sounds like you're really doing well with the chit-chat---not any anger there, or well-hidden if there is. And with all that working out you're doing, your splendor may soon be a match for GD's splendor: the two of you will soon be glowing, with your coppery, muscled tans, like a couple of beacons in the night...lit up like twin ferry boats...and tattooed like a couple of wharf rats....or whatever. You sound just a little less depressed, maybe? You got hit really hard with this business. I hope you're doing OK.