We met up Sunday and had a reasoably friendly, if strained, conversation. I sort of let her take the reins, and asked how she was feeling. She told me she still felt the same - did not see a way back for us, and had not really asked for a divorce yet because she had not had time given all the emotions of the past 8 weeks, to really think and understand the consequences of that. We talked it through, and I told her that while I did not want a divorce and I still wanted her back, I would remain in the marriage even though she might finally say its over, and not force through a divorce as long as she signed a financial seperation agreement - so she can get her GC next year. I think that went down well as she is clearly preturbed by it. The last thing I want is that impact to impact her decision process.
Then I read her a scripted note which basically said........ I love you so much, but it takes 2 to have the courage and the determination to make a marriage work, and that my agape love alone would not be enough if she wasn't willing to accept it. I told her that it felt to me she really did feel it was over, and I did mention the OM and told her that while I did not want or need to know the detail, I knew something was happening and that if she had been serious about our marriage, she never would have let that happen. Then told her that despite that, I would still take her back, and put every ounce of love and energy into making her and me happy. I re-enforced that I understood the part I had played in the marriage problem, but that having examined and admitted my mistakes, I could walk away with my head held high. I would go on and find someone who would return these qualities and love me for me, and I told her that whatever happens, I would try to always be there for her as a friend, a should er to cry on, etc etc.
It was all very emotional, lots of tears, and we sort of talked it out for 30 mins or so. It basically comes down to trust - she sees I am now the man she always wanted, but she feels that because I hurt her emotionally so much, she now cannot TRUST me to remain true to my promises. Very sad really but I understand - trust is everything.
When she left, she agreed to take the box into which I have put a lot of memories, and a lot of special things we shared. She opened that Monday night and texted me with a very emotional msg saying how nice it was.
Its really her call now. I have not spoken or texted her since Monday, and I intend not to so she has her time to decide whether to step forward with me one inch at a time (I told her she did not have to move back in etc), or look me in the eyes and tell me that she is definetly done, whereupon we shall start compiling the legal financial seperation papers.
How do I feel now - actually ok. Did I DB this week with this process - yes and no in equal measure. I think I can hold my head high, I think I have made the decision to leave as difficult for her as is possible, but if she leaves, I feel I have started the detachment process and can move on because thats the only choice I will have.
Yes I still hope for the future, but I will in the meantime start to live my life again, and the future will take care of itself.
Thanks for listening.
Me - 39 W - 33 M - 5yrs Bomb - 8/5 2007 Moving out - 9/8 2007
