Zoos and Swans

[MJontheMend]

Mojo, where are you?? I want to see what your response to Cobra will be!!

LOL- I'm trying to get some work done. This is my busy season. AAUW sales up the wazoo.

I think Cobra is right and wrong. In the example he gave of interacting with an easily sexually aroused young woman he's not considering the extent to which he is falling victim to his own chemicals in his urge to "dump" her and he's lacking awareness about what might motivate a woman to behave in that manner. Also, I wonder why Cobra sees himself as off to the side with a stopwatch observing the woman's sexual behavior/reaction rather than fully participating as a sexual being himself.

If I just wanted to be mean, I would simply point out that I fully understand that Cobra doesn't respect women who are highly sexual in their behavior and I'm equally certain that MrsCobra fully understands this fact about him too. The mating dance and all its intricacies doesn't stop at the altar. If I was married to Cobra and I wanted respect from him more than anything else I would behave like MrsCobra.

I think SG did an excellent job of answering some of the points for me. It's true that NG is someone who pretty clearly was a "former player" or at least a serious "scenester". The nature of his semi-fame is/was such that he still has HD teenage girl fans (Which is why it was so validating for me that he indicated that I was great in bed - lol. Also why it is highly doubtful that he thinks I'm a "slut". ) However, he is also a mature middle-aged man who doesn't drink to excess or do drugs, responsible father of two children, homeowner etc etc. I think he is someone who would like to integrate these aspects of his identity and that is why he could have been a pretty good match for me.

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what Cobra means when he says that he wouldn't "respect" a woman who behaved like me but my definition of the word would cause me to doubt that a man who didn't "respect" me would have sent me a long e-mail yesterday discussing topics such as "what his son is reading" and making thoughtful inquiries about my business and maternal activities.

However, there are a couple ways in which I think Cobra is "right". Firstly, only a HD girl with an IQ of 60 raised in a desolate cave wouldn't know by age 12 that "boys will think you're slutty if you put out"- duh. So, why does a HD girl "put out". Well, sometimes she doesn't. My HD sister and I were discussing this and she said that in high school she drew the line at "almost sex" a lot because she "wanted a boyfriend." By the time she was in college her attitude had changed. She is HD, beautiful but very shy so her method for "getting men" in her 20s was to get drunk and then directly hit on whoever she currently liked. She says that about 1/3 of the time she ended up with a one night stand, 1/3 of the time she got a f*ck buddy and 1/3 of the time she got a semi-LTR or boyfriend. She was quite commitment phobic so usually she was the one to eventually dump the LTR/BFs she "got" with her "method."

Corri weirded me out a while back because she posted something to the effect of "You are so far beyond being the kind of woman who has sex to "get" men". My thought was that only a formerly LD woman would have that thought. I've never had sex to "get" men. I'm not an idiot. If I choose to behave somewhat promiscuously it's because I don't particularly give a f*ck about whether I "get" a man, I'd rather just get laid. Partly this is due to a rebellious streak but partly I have had pure motivations for this kind of behavior. I remember my mother once offered up to me the wonderful homily "A man won't buy a cow if he can get the milk for free." and my response was "Well, luckily for me I'm not a whore who is up for sale like a cow." So, my lack of desire to behave in a manner that would "get" me a man was part "don't fence me in" and part "I can make my own money and take care of myself so I don't need to auction myself off like a cow/whore withholding sex until the bidding gets high enough" and part "I give of my sexuality freely where my desire or feelings of love or generosity lead". Anyway, my experience of the "results" of this kind of behavior wasn't too far different than my sister's (although I didn't use the same "method" to signal availability. I don't drink or directly approach men. I usually just dressed really sexy and smiled). By offering "free love" or just behaving somewhat heedlessly in terms of honestly signaling availability while in the company of a male to whom I was strongly attracted for the usual physical/lifestyle-signal reasons, I ended up with a BF/semi-LTR about 1/3 of the time but my intention was always just to get laid. If I had wanted to take deliberate action to "get" a boyfriend, I wouldn't have "put out" so easily.

Anyways, maturity and loss of ignorance has changed my view on the matter. I used to think it was "good" to give "free love" but now I see that it might be better to behave differently, not because I'm terribly concerned about the kind of men I'd want to date thinking I'm a slut but rather because I'm inadvertently or actually signaling that I don't give a f*ck about forming a relationship with someone when I behave in that manner. I'm not at all offended that someone might want to use me as a fun sex toy but that doesn't mean that I should heedlessly go around using men as fun sex toys even if the cultural stereotype tells me that they don't care and even if it is the case that their own chemicals will tell them that they don't care if I behave like that. It's more difficult for men to form relationships when women offer sex too freely because it inhibits the build-up of vasopressin and limits their ability to bond. It increases their tendency to land on the polygamous rather than the monogamous side of human sexuality. Of course, the brutal work-around to this is for a woman to behave in a manner that will provoke jealousy of other men but I'm not willing to go there except at a very playful level. In conclusion, I've never had and never will have the desire to be a "nice girl" but I do want to be a "good" person and I've never had and never will have the desire to "get" a man but I do want to act in a thoughtful manner when considering how I might successfully form a relationship that would hopefully benefit both parties so I am willing to consider how I might change my sexual behavior as warranted with these values in mind.