Yeah sad for a bit but it's just an expectations thing. I can say I've got that far more under control than it used to be. Now it's just a little blip in the emotions.
But overall things are nice. We went out, had a nice dinner. Things are as if we are a great couple and the reality is that we are except for one thing.
And then at the end of the night we came home and went to separate beds.
And are you okay with the fact that you went to separate beds? Did you not want to go to separate beds? Did you do anything/say anything that would express that to her? And btw, I see that as expressing yourself, not as an expectation.
Have you asked her, as a matter of clarity, how she felt about going to separate beds?
Or, have you told her, as a matter of clarifying yourself to her, how you felt about it? (no blame involved... just transferring info.)
However I'm not sure that I did that skillfully. Very possibly it came across as blaming.
Things are changing though. I'm different and she is having realizations also.
Considering the circumstances I really don't know why we are sleeping in separate beds. She kisses me like she means it and always wants to be with me. But...
Have you sat her down and said something like the following:
----------------------- I love you very much but you must know that after all this time I fully expect to one day soon be making love to you. I'm not going to set a date or build up expectations, but eventually I'll either resume a fully functional sexual relationship with you or we'll have to go our separate ways.
I won't be spending the rest of my life as a celibate and I've been patient while you work on your issues. I'm not going to pressure on this, but you need to know that it's part of a full loving, marital relationship and I expect to resume marital relations with you soon, sexy. - - - - - - - - - - -
You need to fix this deadlock and if you think a third party would help then you need to investigate pro-marriage counselors in your area.
If you're fine living celibate then great for you and all the best, but personally for me that wouldn't be something I'd settle for in a marriage. It's great for best friends, but not married couples. I can understand if there is a physical limitation. If there is a mental limitation on her part I would fully expect she get it handled by a professional as part of my boundry.
Sex is a binding force in marriage and you can do without it, but it enhances the entire relationship.
I did the db thing and didn't get into any R talks. Learned it the hard way though. And have avoided that talk also. I know up until recently it would have gone badly.
We did counseling early on. It was a terrible fiasco. The C was going through a D. She was very 60's style feminist movement. She manipulated the hell out of me and planted some really nasty thoughts in my w's mind. She really damaged us. My W never said she wanted a D but this C would try to interject it into the session. She would negotiate like "Well W how long do you think we should give this to work this out. H how long do you think. Ok well then lets compromise, if you guys can't get this worked out in 6 months you should D."
So with the prior experience of C it might be a hindrance to getting back in to another one. My W now (finally) jokes about C's being manipulative and not actually good at their job.
No there are no physical limitations. We're both in good physical shape. Exercise might really help though. With getting sick and having an odd series of injuries I haven't been able to jog. Her big realization recently is that there is no reason she can't do a marathon. Since it's been depression on her end I think some exercise for both of us would at least be helpful (the horizontal kind would be best)
No living a celibate life is not acceptable. I don't think for either of us.
I think part of it now is she feels a bit guilty for her actions. Having been on this board for awhile I feel pretty lucky that her actions were what they were. Could have been much worse.
Actually I take back the physical limitations thing. My foot is pretty injured right now from my fall. Of course I wouldn't consider this a hindrance but her motherly caring side would. So I better get this thing healed :-).
Her big realization that she hasn't been an active part of life was only a week and a half ago. I'm curious as to where that realization goes.
This is the question I always ask. Is this a stalemate or very slow growth? It would really appear to be a stalemate but as the DB book says you have to look for the small changes to know you are moving forward. There have definitely been a whole lot of very small changes. I can definitely say my W is a very different person than she was before (me too).
It is very difficult. I want this to be finished. It seems like it should be. But we're not there yet.
I most definitely do need to get out and GAL a little. I know that would be helpful. But every time I do she decides she wants to go with me. That's good and bad.
Tonight is another mixer so we'll see how that goes.
Just about every day when we get up I ask her how she slept. The answer is almost always "terrible". She wakes up at 3AM every morning and has a hard time getting back to sleep. Sometimes she'll actually get up and work. She can ussually fall back asleep around 6AM.
Then every day she is too tired (and too depressed) to really be productive. So this sets up what she talked about as being a "functioning depressed person"
I then tend to take care of her. Take her to breakfast because she was too tired to get the dishes done. If I do the dishes and then cook it takes a lot of my time and she feels guilty also. Hang out with her cause she doesn't want to work.
So not only is she being unproductive but I am also.
When she is with me she can be sulking and tired and depressed but then she'll get on the phone with someone (like right now) and all of a sudden she's sparkling and cheery. This is all the time, she's laughing and having a good time with everyone else but she'll change right back when it comes to hanging with me. I've always thought of this as being very two faced and insincere but I'm realizing more of what it really is.
So I've always thought a lot was caused by the not sleeping but I've just realized the not sleeping may be a control method. It's a damn vicious circle. Not sleeping and then not getting anything done and then stressing on not getting anything done and then not sleeping.
And this all drags me down too.
I just realized this morning that I was up working on the computer and feeling fine. I get probably more done before she gets up than the whole rest of the day. She gets up, drags herself into my office, the usual interactions occur and I've now got a pit in my stomach and am stressed. My focus has now been taken off of work and is now on her.
At the moment her mood is now good again. She's made a couple of phone calls and has been cheery on those. But I'm left with this slightly stressed out, unfocused mood. I don't think well at all in this state.
So I really really need to break this pattern I just discovered.
We have two glasses of wine apiece each night. I tend to get up an hour earlier if I don't have wine. Perhaps it would be an interupt if I quit. I used to drink excessively. I was definitely self medicating. I always drank a little too much. But I don't feel that pain anymore and don't try to cover it up with booze anymore.
I've had a feeling for a long time that the answer to this was to quit drinking. My intuition has told me this for a long time. Don't know why. Maybe I really need to become strongly disciplined and when she pours me a glass at night I should turn it down. I know she drinks less if I don't at all.
Or maybe I should get up early and go do something each morning.
I definetely need to be more disconnected from her morning mood.
And here I thought I was getting all unfused and I discover I'm truly not.
