why don't I listen to my own stories?

[NikB]

((((Agent99))))

To use a cliche... when it rains it pours, huh? I'm so sorry about your daughter! I wonder if she'd be better off with that new Mirena IUD (the one that's an IUD plus hormones). I read somewhere that statistically it's actually slightly MORE effective than sterilization. Too late now but.. just thinking in future, if maybe her body's not processing the BC pills in a way that they work for her.

Wow, the guy you had the session with sounds excellent.

He also said that I deserve to be loved for who I am. period. That as long as I try to prove myself (ala Plan A) or reinvent myself to keep things "new" and "fresh", I will always be on the hamster wheel and my H will be one step away from cheating/leaving. Plus, I will not know who I am anymore.

Powerful stuff, there.

I do think there's something to be said for keeping things new and fresh though. It's easy to get stuck in a rut. Not saying do something that isn't "you" - but try something new and different that's something YOU want for yourself.

Sometimes I think I want to be tough, cut him off, tell him to Eff off.

I hope you don't see that as what DB tells you to do, or what we're all telling you to do. That's not it at all (at least, not from me!). I suggest re-reading the DR chapters about detaching, and going through this site:
http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

Being angry can help you detach - but it isn't, in itself, detaching. It's still letting your H and your sitch control your emotions, just in a different way. YOU need to get back in control of you. (I know, easy to say, hard to do.. but keep working at it). Oldtimer talks a lot about healthy Ms NEEDING both spouses to remain detached - you work together as partners yes, but by choice, not unhealthy reasons (you'll see what I mean when you read the detaching page I bet).

I agree with Dom, keep being nice - I see no reason not to. It may help to think about treating him like a friendly co-worker. You get along, you chat about life, you hang out sometimes. In your case it's a bit more intimate than that in that you're also "dating" each other, but if you can get that "coworker" feel in mind when you're talking with him, that might help you distinguish when to say things and when not to. (i.e. you would never say something like that about the Costa Rica trip to a coworker).

You don't need to get mean or nasty - what you need to do is stop the pushing, pursuing, chasing, expectations, and putting your life on hold for your H.

Have you ever read Oldtimer's water cooler post? It's really helpful for 'getting' this point.
Water Cooler post