There and Back, #6

[SallyM]

that and the promise of a new hotwheel. yeah, I bribe my kids...1st pee/poop on the potty yields a new toy. it works, usually. he is still sitting there, singing about hot wheels. he won't budge off it, says we are going to target today. stubborn little guy, my son.

so I have plenty of time to think today. I realized earlier that it is 6 months today since I found out about H's affair. wow...6 months. in some ways it feels like a minute, in others, years.

I rememeber very well the day when I realized my h was having an affair. he had been in boston for a week prior for business. yes, we live not too far outside of the city, but typical for him to spend a few nights at least in the city that time of year. this was longer, the whole week. and that whole week he had seemed distant/preoccupied when he called on the phone. I knew something was up, but just figured it was business stuff. it wasn't till he got home that I even suspected anything. he hugged the kids like he had come back from war, and barely looked at me. it was very strange.

when he went upstairs to take a nap (exhausted from his week of what I thought was all work) I went downstairs to do some laundry and saw his bag sitting on the landing. I don't know what posessed me to open the zipper, but something did...I'm not a snooper by nature, and at that point, still didn't supsect an affair. that's when I found what I wasn't looking for...a lifetime supply of condoms and nearly a week's worth of room-service-for-2 receipts.

even with concrete evidence, my mind still tried to find ways to excuse it...that it wasn't really happening. that the condoms were left over from a trip we took a few months earlier. that the receipts were because a buddy crashed in his room (even though I know that would never happen). I could rationalize every single thing I found...but I knew, I knew my life was turned upside down. that what I knew to be true (a loving, loyal husband) was no more. I'm forever grateful for the support that rallied around me. my sister and my friend and my therapist were godsends, each and every one of them.

I've come a long way in those 6 months. I can see how far I've come, my life might not be going in the direction I had hoped it would go, or even expected it to go, but I am okay and have made huge strides in personal growth. I remember my therapist saying to me when I first met with her (6 months ago tomorrow) that no matter what, I would be okay. I looked at her like she was high, no way would I be okay without him. there is still a huge part of me that holds self-doubt (the financially independent insecurities), but I know at least emotionally I'll be okay. there are still plenty of hard times ahead, especially if things keep going the way they are going, marching toward divorce. but I can truly say that I am a stronger, better, wiser person than I was then. so that, right there, is something.