What is reasonable and what is not?

[cpolk]

You have my hopes as well.

Though for me I don't think my W is in 100% but I think she's trying. I'm happy with that. I try not to think about the damage that this has caused. Personnally I think if things had been better at home for both of us (my W and I) that it never would have happened.

I try to stay focused on the positive and providing her with a loving, appreciative, and supporting environment to operate in. Something that should've always been there anyway. This won't kill you it won't kill me and we can learn from it no matter which way it goes.

[Startingover2]

I have been so positive in the past few weeks...really trying to be cheerful and meeting his needs. Even when I knew there was contact with OW. We have had a great progress making 2 weeks....until now. But I figured I could keep my mouth shut and live in emotional turmoil or bring it out.

The part that gets me is now I haven't heard from him since he left earlier after our blowout. No call. No text. Nothing. This is when I start to panic and feel like I should have never said anything. That I may have done something wrong. I have to keep telling myself I am not the one with the OW. I am not lying to him in any way or hiding anything. I am not being demanding by telling him I cannot deal with OW still being in the picure.

He did threaten in his anger this morning that if these accusations don't stop then he will be pulling back and I will need to do the contacting! What am I doing wrong here except being blindly stupid to even listen to him?

I wonder what he is thinking now? Is it the "oh no...I have to get my life together" or is it the "b**h! She isn't going to tell me I have to get rid of OW"

[cpolk]

Yeah it sucks!

This is easy for me say...not being in your shoes. I think that all this drama is bad for the pregnancy. Stress does all sorts of things to the body not much of it is good.

You should probably pick yourself up lean on a good friend if you need to and get those boots to walkin. With kids you are going to have to have contact with your H anyway. When it comes down to it make this be the part where if he comes back its on your terms.

From my experience over the past 4 months; bending over backward gets to where it really hurts. So I stopped...then she was forced to bend some. Now we are where we are; a better place. Not there yet, but maybe on the way.

[Startingover2]

Stress is so bad on a pregnancy. I have had 2 bouts of pains brought on by stress (Exh induced) already during this pregnancy. Guess Exh is too deep in denial to notice or care.

I went dark the rest of today. He finally text messaged me and asked how my daughter's volleyball game was. I answered his question and then he informed me he was just hanging out at home. Great. Whatever.

Now the question is....do I assume he has made the changes with OW or keep asking? I hate to keep harping on the same thing over and over with him, but the last time he said he was ending it with her he really didn't.

[JAK58]

[/quote]Thank you guys. I am feeling shakey at the moment. I usually get this way after I confront him doubting myself. He has a gift of making me feel like the problem causer. [quote]

SO2

Don't doubt what you know in your heart you had to do.

You do not want or need to live like this you do deserve better.

Listen to Cat she has wise words.

You did very well by telling H that he had to set the boundries with OW.

it doesn't matter wether you are married or not if he wants the R with you than he can only have R with you.
NO ROOM FOR THREE IN MY BOOK.

You did well and at this point I think you have nothing to lose and everything to gain( your dinity, sanity, ).

HE is trying to cake eat and he is mad s He!! becuase he's not getting his way.

Great job. Now go dark and let him come to you. Then ACT AS IF don't pick up and be with him every minute take some time for you and turn down some of the things he's asking you to do. Let him think you are busy making your new life and maybe he can join you is he's good.

JAK

[Startingover2]

Last night I went to my daughters volleyball game. About halfway through he sent me a text asking how it was going. I didn't respond till after the game was over and told him it went well. He then said he was just hanging out at home. I never answered again because I got busy with dinner for the kids, etc.

He then sent on asking why I wasn't talking to him. He knows. But I just said I was busy. He wanted to come and spend the night and I said I had an emotional day and he could come, but I was tired. He came down, was sweet and attentive....I fell asleep about 20 minutes after he got here.

This morning he was still at my house and I had to take my kids to school. I have to drive by Exh's street on my way and coming the other way was OW (yes, small town). She turned up his street and drove by his house.....HA HA he was at mine...I did get a bit of satisfaction out of that.

I am building alot of hatred towards her and it scares me. I know he is not innocent in all of this, but a person with any common decency would bow out of this situation. She is pursuing harder than ever.

I am GAL these next few days. He has his kids and I don't so I will have more time to do my own thing. We are still going out of town this weekend. Looking forward to that.

[cpolk]

Yeah, you know the bad part of that 'hatred' you have is the only person its really going to effect is you. The first R book I read put me on the path I'm on now and it had alot to do with letting those feelings go (at least to the best that you can). The book, "How to Heal a Painful Relationship, and If Necessary Part as Friends". I had harbored so much mistrust, resentment, and anger toward my W and OM and the sit that I was getting nothing accomplished and I was doing a lot of dwelling. That book empowered me to 'release the evil'. I'm much freer now.

This might be a stupid question, but have you tried to talk to OW? Stranger things have happened, does she realize? Via email that is exactly what I did with my W's OM. He seemed to take it to heart; time will tell. My W also seems to be complying with letting him go too. Again time will tell.

Food for though perhaps...

[Startingover2]

So, by your wife letting OM go......are you going on blind faith and trust that she is or do you look for more concrete proof? I only ask that because I feel like now I am in this snooping and looking for things mode. Its almost addictive which is terrifying. All of exh's actions point to him only being with me. The only reason I know about the contact with OW is through his phone. I tell myself I need to stop snooping and just go with it, but I don't want to be stupid and in denial either.

Your right, the obcessive hatred of OW does take its toll. When I see her it makes my stomach turn. When he and I were separated and I knew he was seeing her I didn't care for her, but I didn't feel this seething anger and hate for her either. Now with our current situation and trying to make this R work and her staying involved I am really having issues.

I am going to look for that book today. I want to stop feeling these feelings.

[JAK58]

[/quote]Your right, the obcessive hatred of OW does take its toll. When I see her it makes my stomach turn. When he and I were separated and I knew he was seeing her I didn't care for her, but I didn't feel this seething anger and hate for her either. Now with our current situation and trying to make this R work and her staying involved I am really having issues.
[quote]

SO2,

YA know how I look at OW? Mostly with pity. There are times i could say I hate her but what good would that do. Doesn't change anything at all.
Now I look at it as, it happened and it might have had to happen for a reason(to make us work on a better M). Doesn't make it right though.

No you don't want to be in denial. You are supposed to be piecing the R back together, so you have every right to think that is what XH is working on too.(without OW in the pic.)it is because he is trying to have it both ways that you feel the need to snoop.

No it's not good to snoop but, if you are using it to handle things in the R and not to make yourself feel worse I say do what your heart says, and your gut tells you. You have been pretty spot on so far.

Keep staying semi dark. I would suggest that if H call and ask if he could spend the nite again, tell him you just don't feel that he should that you need time to yourself. Remember Dr book, it says to except some but not all invites and to not answer every call let vm pick up then call back after a couple of times.
Lets them know you are not waiting in the wings for them and that they better get their act together or they could loose you.

Sounds like it might be working in your case because he is calling right back. I feel he might be seeing how far he can push you as far as the cake eating. Hold on steady and keep up the good work.

Even if you stay backed off and he gets upset look at it as a positive. H may be frustrated at not getting his own way but, it might make him do some thinking about your R. At least it is a reaction.

Most of all do these things for you and your own peace of mind.

Do you feel better about you, by confronting him?

JAK

[JAK58]

Funny about OW driving by his hose and him not being there. Wonder if she then drove by yours and saw he was!

JAK