During my separation and divorce... I was chugging along pretty even keeled on survival chemicals. Dam it, I am good at that.
6 months after the final papers were signed... and I was pretty much 'done' organizing and putting my life in 'order,' other than getting down to the business of living and charting a new course... peace and calm was established.
And I seriously crashed. Depression, lethargy, anxiety, trouble focusing and sleeping... and this is what the MD's call PTSD... post traumatic stress disorder. You don't have to live through a war, or even a divorce, to get it. The chemicals in your body that were getting your 'through,' are still there, and now... attacking you, instead of helping you.
There is something to be said for striving for balance and calm... problem is, the mind gets horribly bored. After all, the number one function of the thinking mind is to solve problems. And in the midst of calm, when it doesn't have a problem to solve... it will CREATE ONE, just so it can have a problem to solve. Drama. Excitement. Positive or negative, it doesn't care...
One way to alleviate this is to create and explore novel situations in your life. I'm not necessarily talking about 'Getting a Life,' and 'What Makes ME Happy,' kind of stuff. I'm talking about consciously taking your R to a deeper, more positive place. And one way to do that is through Radical Honesty. If you have not yet read the book, I'd get it. Radical honesty is not easy. And it can make you feel extremely vulnerable and exposed. It is also quite thrilling to finally be the you that you are underneath all the masks... and let your H see it. I personally think it would be good for him to do as well. Guys get pretty gigged by it once they learn how to do it.
Makes sex... AWESOME.
It's like taking a walk on the 'wild side' in the privacy and comfort of your own home.
You could go to an MME or Retrouville weekend with your H (don't know why people think the only time they can/should go to one of those things is when there are problems or troubles... you can go for maintenance and growth, too). You could take a 'Tantric Sex' workshop with your H... something that would be completely new and novel for both of you... something that will push you both to explore deeper, further... (I'd go to one rather than just watching a tape... )
If you don't GROW your R, it is going to start to deteriorate again... you've got the garden soil back to where it needs to be to grow plants... now you have to start planting new seeds, weeding, watering... NURTURING each other.
Personally, I'd tell him all this stuff you just wrote here. But I'd put it in a way that you are just expressing how you are feeling, and not blaming him for anything.
Quote:
When I am in this mode, I resent H and his neediness. I forget what it's like to be in HD shoes. I begin to think that my H is this narcissist who wants me to feed his ego. I feel engulfed by his needs, and I don't want to give.
And to me, this is not coming from your H or anything he is doing. This is really a feeling sorry for yourself statement, and perfectly understandable, too. It is coming from your unwillingness to be honest with yourself and with him. SAY IT OUT LOUD to him. Make sure he and you understand that no one has to DO anything about it... you aren't blaming him... you just need him to listen, so he knows where you are at, and you are doing x, y, z to work through it. If he wants to try and help you, great. LET him. If not... just give him a glimpse into your mental frame of mind so he doesn't PERSONALIZE it.
