Yeah, I pretty much know how I should be behaving, and what thought processes work best, etc., I just keep falling down. There have been several times I thought I had this under control, but I still have a chain that is far too easy to yank. I sometimes wonder if I don't go around handing it to people sometimes.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Chrome, I'm not talking about making your problems hers, or asking her to solve anything. It is just about sharing your feelings to let her know where your mind is at. e.g., I'm disappointed with myself for withdrawing from the R. I know I am doing it, but I can't seem to help myself. Just your feelings Chrome, stated in a loving way and carefully to not place any blame.
Chrome, We started talking weeks ago about the rage you feel at times but never went into depth. Have you thought much about where your rage comes from and possibly what the real emotion behind it might be? A friend's husband seems to have a similar issue as you described with your kids. Her 9 month old daughter woke up early one morning last week and was screaming and crying continuously (yes it is an ear infection). They were in her daughter's room but she could hear her H raging in their bedroom ("What is $%^ing wrong with that kid? Why can't she *(&^ing shut up?" and on and on) So my friend asks me in all seriousness "why was he doing that? Can't he tell that she's just a baby with something wrong? What is it about her crying (and he was the same with their son too) which makes him angry?" Obviously I don't understand either but I thought you might be able to share some insight. I told her that you how you would rage (inwardly compared with him but still rage) when your kids cried with colic. One guess I have is that it is the feeling of NOT being able to do something that creates this feeling of rage in men?? So the feeling of helplessness becomes rage?? Total guess!!
Also, as far as sharing your feelings with your wife, how do you do this – when, what do you say, etc.? The two of you need to develop a way of sharing feelings that feels safe for both of you. The idea of trust is key and I think a lot of it can start with you. Once you feel like you trust yourself to be able to get through all of this, then she can feel more comfortable hearing your problems because she can sense you trust in yourself? Does that make sense? (seriously because I am not so sure about it)
GGB, I agree with your points but their relationship might not be where yours is with your wife. What I remember from Chrome is that his wife is actually extra sensitive to his moods because of some past issues they had. She didn't even like hearing that he was going to individual counseling for himself. (Is this still true?)
To be clear, that doesn't mean that I think Chrome should hold back his feelings. Just that he made need to pay extra attention in how much he shares, when he shares and how he states his feelings.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
I don't think he should withhold any of his feelings on account of her reactions at all. Be careful how he states them, perhaps. Withhold or sugar-coat, no. His feelings are what they are, not something he's consciously manufactured. The way she handles his feelings is not his responsibility, it is her problem to deal with. As long as he is withholding those feelings, there is going to be a level of mistrust and the relationship isn't going to move forward. By putting his feelings out there, in a loving way mind you, and not rescuing her from them he forces her into growing as well.
I don't think he should withhold any of his feelings on account of her reactions at all.
Yes, I don't think we are on different pages here. In fact I think that Chrome's reluctance to talk to her about his feelings because of how she will react DOES show that in some way somehow he is looking for something from her - sympathy, rescuing, whatever. I don't think he needs to watch what he says to her because of HER reactions so much. I think he needs to watch for himself so he can monitor how what he is saying and possibly asking of her and watch how he reacts to her. His reactions he can work on. Make sense?
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Chrome I didn't mention the exercise things another thing to beat your self up over something you "should" be doing. Just that if your anything like me you need it, if I don't exercise my moods and how I deal with them get a bit "off".
There are a few things that strike me about what your saying about your resentment in your relationship. When you're stewing you're creating a bit of a feedback loop lots of time were not even aware of the story we are running.
I haven't gotten pissed since we were talking about anger until last week so I got a chance to "watch it".
I was under a super tight deadline and a machine/computer interface at work wasn't working the way I needed it to. I got that rage/frustration feeling where I wanted to destroy something and the chair looked like it needed to be kicked pretty badly. I didn't do it and tried to think what my story was at that moment. The story.
"I'm supposed to be smart, competent and excellent at my job. Right now I'm not because I don't know what to do. I'm unprepared for this situation and it's probably my own fault for not completely reading the manual. I'm pissed at myself for letting this happen"
In my case compassion for my own self was needed in that particular situation.
Once I got what my story was I was able to look at it with more of an objective and less subjective view. I could untangle a bit of it and see where it came from. I think that how you relate to anger is probably pretty important as to how it going to run. It's going to come up how you relate to is up to you I don't think it's going to be eliminated %100.
I don't know if any of this will help you but thought I'd share.
I don't think he should withhold any of his feelings on account of her reactions at all. Be careful how he states them, perhaps. Withhold or sugar-coat, no. His feelings are what they are, not something he's consciously manufactured. The way she handles his feelings is not his responsibility, it is her problem to deal with. As long as he is withholding those feelings, there is going to be a level of mistrust and the relationship isn't going to move forward. By putting his feelings out there, in a loving way mind you, and not rescuing her from them he forces her into growing as well.
I don't think he should withhold any of his feelings on account of her reactions at all. Be careful how he states them, perhaps. Withhold or sugar-coat, no. His feelings are what they are, not something he's consciously manufactured. The way she handles his feelings is not his responsibility, it is her problem to deal with. As long as he is withholding those feelings, there is going to be a level of mistrust and the relationship isn't going to move forward. By putting his feelings out there, in a loving way mind you, and not rescuing her from them he forces her into growing as well.
I'm going to take a controversial and opposing position on this. Chrome is withholding his feelings for a reason. I believe he has a LOT of anger in him, and if he lets it all out, he will blow like a volcano and he could do irreparable damage to the M. He has stated many times that he is afraid of his anger. I take him at his word. The problem is that holding in his anger causes him to hold in his feelings.
It may be possible to express his feelings without letting loose of his anger, but that might be walking too fine a line. I think Chrome needs to directly confront his anger, work through it however he needs to, and put it to rest. I also think he needs to level with his W on what he feels, what he is angry about, and what his plan of action is so she does not get scared or runs away.
As long as Chrome holds onto this anger, he keeps himself boxed in a catch 22 with no way out. Express the anger and her fears his wife will withdraw more or leave. Hold in the anger to save the marriage and he has to wrestle with his internal demons.
So Chrome, when are you going to have some heart to heart talks with your dad?
What are you angry about? How are you going to express it?
I can't seem to drop the resentment/entitlement.
What are you entiteled to?
I'm wrecking my M because I can't seem to be the man that I need to be for myself and for my W so that she has a rock against which she can get her sh!t together. I disagree with this statement unless you are having another A. Dont worry about your W getting her shtuff together. Thats her job. Work on yours. Thats a big enuff job to handle. Its not going to wreck your M. Thats why you said...for better or for worse...at least that was why I did.
An individual, cant wreck a marriage, you can only have people who quit.
How can she trust me when everytime she tests I slip?
Thats her choice and problem too. Your still overly concerned with her reaction. Why dont you let her beat you up when you slip, instead of beating on yourself? I didnt manage to reconcil with x by beating on myself about what I did wrong.
You cant implement a boundary if you dont believe you are worthy of it.
