Cobra, My feeling is that I strive for comfort and security, but once I get it, my libido goes down. I remember even early in the marriage feeling turned on by some of the tense interactions at work, and when I came home, feeling the need to transfer that energy toward my H.
I like comfort, security, peacefulness too. So early in your marriage, when things were stressed at work, were you HD? When you had sex, was that your way of transferring that stress to your H in order to achieve a feeling of calmness?
Over time, it got harder and harder to feel sexually attracted to my H. When I became a mom, I pretty much shut down sexually. And as this was happening, my H would get more and more gratification from the outside world, which represented excitment to him.
So as you shut down, did he look for “excitement” to feel energized and alive, replacing the energy you once gave him, or was he looking for validation from you that your were instead giving to the kids?
Recently the two of us have been in "house" mode, really oragnizing and fixing the place up. It's ordely, peaceful and Zen like, and we're both proud of getting it together to create this feeling. But it also feels compulsive---a shared compulsion. A need to keep things orderly and safe.
It sounds like you now have that comfort and security you say you want, but it feels “forced?” Why does it feel compulsive? Are you concerned that if both of you don’t keep up the housecleaning, things will revert to chaos? But isn’t that life? So what’s wrong with feeling a shared compulsion to clean in order to avoid chaos? Or does the problem lie with the “shared” part, that know you feel a commitment to him and that is what bothers you?
