we, the cheated on spouses, tend to forget that our Ss where the one who allowed the op in their lives. Yes, I also have had those vengeful scenarious figured out if I were ever to meet the op, but you know what? I've come to realize that it is not about the op, it was about my H giving in to lust, his weakness of character. He lied to op right and left and she thought she could have something with him (you have no idea what Hs say to ows "i'm divorced" "im divorcing" "the divorce will b ready any second" "i might as well be divorce so lets..." etc etc. So let's not forget who's really at fault here, I dare to say, 9 out of 10 times our Ss are the ones who seeked out op, not the other way around. Am I jelous when I think of op and H? yes, but brooding on the op is just misplaced energy, she isnt' worth my time. So thinking of murderous thoughts towards op just makes us bitter, i'm glad you, the girl, have let that anger go.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
I dare to say, 9 out of 10 times our Ss are the ones who seeked out op, not the other way around.
I know in my sitch this was not the case. I knnow that my H did not have to do what he did but OW had a two year campaign to snag him.I am glad for those that can let that anger go but sometimes it is justified.
Saffie
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I might be wrong, but I don't think most people in affairs were originally seeking one. From what I've read, statistically most people don't approve of them. I think first a connection occurs and those involved convince themselves it's just innocent friendship, but then in time the boundries blur and are crossed.
On the other hand, I think spouses who cheat are responsible for allowing that line to be crossed. They aren't forced to go there. In the past, I have been "pursued" at work and even found it flattering. But if I felt any attraction on either side I made sure I was never alone with the person, ignored or joked away the flirting and would avoid social situations that had even a remote chance of leading to crossed boundries. That was a decision.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
There could be a forum entitled: "Rage and Obsession over the OP", where we could all vent and swap revenge fantasies.
I think what pierces my heart the most is the very humiliating feeling that she 'won' my H, to the point where he preferred her in every way (except nannying; she has too many self centered interests and two boutique dogs to worry about). It was a deep insult to my ego. I will admit it. I lost his attention; she gained it. I am mad, and I feel like an unattractive loser.
As women, don't we want to feel deeply attractive and worthy of loving? She stole that from me, and I hate her for it.
I also enjoyed my husband sexually more than he did/does me. I have always wanted more sex with him. I have been told 'no' more times than I could count. That all hurt deeply, but to have him go and give it to someone else is torture.
But what hurts the WORST is the depth of emotional intimacy they shared. I treasure that with him and have longed for that to be strengthened in us for years. She stole my best friend. I hate her!
It makes me so sick if I think too much about it I just want out of the marriage NOW.
Now for good news: I got the job! It is hilariously part time (5 hrs. a week), but will be a great step towards me formulating a future career. H is also very proud of me and will be watching the girls while I am gone.
We continue to have positve times. I am so scared he will never love me again. Oh well, I guess I could pretend that he is gay and we will live our lives as buddies;(.
He has been 100% a good father. Hooray! I have been hoping for the past year that he would find more joy and purpose as a dad.
He came to watch the girls yesterday and used my computer. He happened to find this forum and read some of it. When he told me I think I turned purple with embarassment. He teased me about some of what I had written, including the nickname 'alien boy'. So now he knows the dreadful truth about me: I seem cool, but have taken up in the nerdy world of online chatrooms, knee deep in abbreviations and pop psychology advice! Ha! He actually said that the replies from you all were very interesting. O, help...I feel like a teen who has been caught with a Playboy!
I've got to admit it's getting better (Beatles song playing)... The Girl
Me: 34 H: 39 M: 11 yrs (7th year was HELL) 3 daughters Survived Affair, 6 month separation Rebuilt marriage Currently stuck
I also enjoyed my husband sexually more than he did/does me. I have always wanted more sex with him. I have been told 'no' more times than I could count. That all hurt deeply, but to have him go and give it to someone else is torture.
Girl, I experienced EXACTLY this same thing. I think this is one of the things that hurt me the most. For me, it's helped a lot to get my body back into shape, to feel sexy just being ME--OW's got nothin' on me now, so I don't worry about that anymore. Even better, H has noticed, seems to appreciate it, and our relationship in this regard is 1000 times better than it was before.
But what hurts the WORST is the depth of emotional intimacy they shared. I treasure that with him and have longed for that to be strengthened in us for years. She stole my best friend.
Do you know exactly the depth of emotional intimacy they shared? I've felt insecure about this too, my imagination is a bit too good in this regard...but when it comes down to it, I really don't know exactly what was said, what was shared, and I never will.
I do feel, however, that it's unlikely that my H became a totally different person with her...that he was completely transparent and open and willing to give her everything he was witholding from me.
I am fortunate in that my H's OW live in another state. I don't have to worry about running into them. I have, however, seen them both and talked to one on the phone. She told me that she "found out he lies". Surprise! Like, how could he lie to the woman he was cheating on his wife with?!?! Sorry.
Anyway, back to the intimacy issue: don't torture yourself with grand ideas that their R was everything yours is not. Don't focus this entirely on H or OW (making her the scapegoat will not heal you, and she's not worth the emotional effort anyway). You do have to mourn what you've been through, and then you need to be able to let it go.
Here are some thoughts I jotted down that have helped me get through some really rough days:
-Accept reality for what it is now, gain personal independence from that...be more self-sufficient and less needy -Don't take responsibility for anyone else's thoughts or feelings: DON'T ASSUME -Act as if, but don't center your life, decisions, thoughts and actions around anyone else: GAL.
Girl...I have read over your sit, and I think that you are doing wonderfully, sounds like your H is coming out of the tunnel!
My H and I did retro this past weekend, and it was, is an amazing experiance! I think that you will get a tremendous amount from it, and see the changes for the best!
Me - 44 H - 44 M - 19yrs together - 23yrs D16 S8 EA/PA - Bomb Oct20/06 Jan 8/07 Feb 01/07 Jul 15/07 H still @ home Recovered!
As women, don't we want to feel deeply attractive and worthy of loving? She stole that from me, and I hate her for it.
I also enjoyed my husband sexually more than he did/does me. I have always wanted more sex with him. I have been told 'no' more times than I could count. That all hurt deeply, but to have him go and give it to someone else is torture.
ding ding ding! we have a winner! this is EXACTLY how I felt after H's A, and still feel, as we are continuing in a SSM, blah blah. I'm just so glad to see someone else with this exact same deal (altho, sorry for you, you know what i'm sayin').
I too wonder if we won't be just roommates for eternity, but he's a good guy and a great dad. it could be worse, and i still believe it will get better someday.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
