Divorcing your H is a big decision that I know you have been wrestling with for a long time. I do just want to make one point. As I've watched several couples in the weeks leading up to Retrouvaille, I've noticed what I call a fear of Retrouvaille happening. I don't know if it's a fear of change. That they feel Retrouvaille will change them, and they are not sure they really want to change, or a fear of hearing things they don't want to hear, or what. But I see it happen again and again.
I just want to assure you that Retrouvaille is a really pleasant, happy weekend. It is not a lot of psychological work, it is not group discussions. It's simply a time you spend with your own husband talking about what matters to you in your life. I don't know what in the brochure put you off. I remember thinking "we don't belong there" when I read the brochure too. But I did belong there. And now that it is 9 months past Retrouvaille, I miss it and would like to go back. It was a happy time and a safe place for me where I saw the often hidden nice side of my husband again.
You've been D once before, and I haven't, so me giving you advice about it is pretty much a waste of time, but let me make one stab at a thought I had. Please note that I am not trying to make you the bad-guy (or gal for that matter), nor am I trying to badger you. I am just having thoughts and throwing them out there for your consideration. Because you have chosen to post on this MB, you'll have to listen to my concern, no matter if it is misguided or not (unless you block me of course ) My thought ...
I have heard several people talk about D and most of them seem to say that they reached this moment of clarity and peace. On the surface it seems you have reached that. But when I look at some statements you make, namely ...
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I feel as though I've stayed confused long enough and I don't want anymore junk in my head.
It seems as if you are trying to FIND clarity by D. Also ...
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My H had a year affair with a 30 year disgusting person, and I can't get over it.
This seems as if you are approaching this from a position of anger. Your anger is justified, don't get me wrong.
Anyway, I'm just throwing that out there. If someone who has gone through a D would like to post here and tell me I'm full of sh!t, I'll shut up and move on.
Chrome
"Recollect me darlin, raise me to your lips, two undernourished egos, four rotating hips"
Thanks guys. Let me throw something out there too. If my H asks me to go, I'll go. I've pitched to him, we have the brochure and if he makes the arrangements, I'll do it. I've decided I'm not going to make the arrangements. During our 2 1/2 yrs of reconciling, I've made the MC appointments, made vacation arrangements, paid for them (we keep money separate), planned surprises, etc. hoping all of this would somehow re-light our fire only it backfired. My H said he didn't need sex. What's the use? Come on, put yourself in my shoes, just a little.
Yes, I am a little angry. We were only married for one year. I gave up A LOT to enter this marriage - I was financially secure and now I could loose what I hade BEFORE I married him, which makes me angry. It's almost that he's reaping rewards for ruining our marriage, at my expense.
Chrome - how right you are about not interested in finding the right person! I'm not in that frame of mind. I truly think men are scum and I'm sick and tired of being told that in order for me to be whole person, I have to have someone in my life. That's reading between lines here but that's the impression I get from some of the posts.
OT, I have a lot of childhood issues, but I'm still in IC so I'm working through those with him. The pamplet that I received from Ret stated that the program is designed for those that are committed in making their M work. It was all there in black and white. Have you been? If so, did it help your M or help you individually.
Look, my H had an A and while that's enough biblically and legally to divorce my H that isn't the entire reason. There are others. Yes, my H is remorseful, yes, he's tried and yes, I have tried. Have I tried everything? No, of course not. But you know what? I've tried enough things to find peace in my decision.
Gwyn, I'm not here to judge your decision. Only YOU know the full exptent of your situation. Just please make sure in your mind that this is what YOU want and need to do.
Different situation, but my ex-wife filed for divorce after her affair. She had made it up in her mind that I would not be able to get past her affair. We seperated at her request, I moved out at her request. Said "she needed time." She didn't mention divorce, "just needed time" Didn't take much time ! Next thing I know I'm getting divorce papers on Christmas Eve. If it wasn't bad enough getting kicked in the groin region by the affair, the timing of the papers kind of dropped me to the other knee.
Shortly after the D was final, chance would have it that I met my future /current wife (that's another story but I'm working on a happing ending.. or should I say a happy new beginning) I wasn't looking. In fact, a relationship of any type was the last thing on my mind, it just happened. I was moving on and then I received a call from the ex wanting to NOW try and work things out. I'm sorry, it was too late at this point.
Gwyn, my point is, be absolutely sure you are ready to let him go. And be absolutely sure that YOU are prepared for him to move on without you. Make sure that it is the right decision for you, don't second guess like me ex did. She was not absolutely sure when she jumped into her decision. Last I talked with her she was still hurting and she feels in her heart that she made the wrong choice but it was too late. I know many will probably tell me that I shouldn't feel responsible for HER hurt, it was HER choice, etc... But I do, I still hurt.
"I truly think men are scum"
Don't be like this. I probably fit the mold, but for the most part we men are OK. Don't judge us all by the actions of a few.
e absolutely sure you are ready to let him go. And be absolutely sure that YOU are prepared for him to move on without you. Make sure that it is the right decision for you, don't second guess like me ex did.
That's how I felt when I divorced my first H. Although our M was over, when I saw him with another women, it really hit home. But I am so over that. My current H said pretty much the same thing sometime ago that I didn't want him but I didn't want someone else to have him. My answer to him was that "someone else has already had you and I live with that every day of my life!" And, that's how I feel. It isn't about him moving on, don't you get it, it's about ME moving on!
"It isn't about him moving on, don't you get it, it's about ME moving on!"
Oh I get it. I'm just saying, be sure that in YOUR moving on that you are prepared and ok with HIM moving on as well.
It's hard to judge someone's tone on these boards. Please don't get me wrong, I feel for you and your situation. I'm not being critical, judgemental, none of that. I'm just putting in a little advice from my past to please be sure of YOUR decision and be OK with it.
Gwyn, I'm going to give you some contradictory bits of advice...
First, you're a grown woman and you can do whatever you want. You might ask yourself why you feel the need to convince people here that it's okay to leave your marriage. I'm not saying you shouldn't want to convince this group... just ask yourself why it's important to you. There may be something interesting at the bottom of that question.
Also, you don't have to be absolutely sure in order to do something. People do all sorts of things and make all sorts of momentous decisions without being sure they're doing the right thing... getting married, having a baby, joining the army, quitting a job. You don't have to wait until you're sure.
Leaving your marriage is not an irrevocable decision. Look at choc's situation. There can be many steps between moving out and the final D. You can be separated for a while or forever without getting a D. Taking a baby step is not the same as jumping off a cliff.
But on the other hand, you can also wait until you're fairly sure of the NEXT STEP. It's like you're hesitant to do anything because you're not sure you're committed to the full journey and the final destination. This applies to the willingness to go to Retrouvaille as well as the intention to divorce. Going to Retro might not save the marriage, and separating might not lead to divorce, kwim?
And on the third hand, you may also choose to do nothing at this time and just wait until you feel a clear nudge in some direction or other. One of these days you may just suddenly know what the next step should be and when that happens you won't wonder any more, you'll just do it.
This situation will move in some direction of its own accord. You can accelerate that toward D or toward reconciliation, or just wait and see. You cannot make a wrong decision. I firmly believe that. Any decision can lead to a better place-- or not. And if you wind up where you don't want to be, you can change that.
Make the space you're living in right now a little broader. Allow for more possibilities. Cut yourself some slack, okay?
Once you know what you want to do, or that you don't need to know right now, the opinions here won't matter so much to you.
ETA: I'm glad you feel you're doing the right thing, because you are, whatever you wind up doing. No one here can second guess you.
You might ask yourself why you feel the need to convince people here that it's okay to leave your marriage. I'm not saying you shouldn't want to convince this group... just ask yourself why it's important to you.
I guess for a couple of reasons.
One is that I started my journey here and I wanted to finish it here. And, the other is because I was hoping to hear someone say, you go girl, I've been where you are and I'm glad I'm divorced or something to that affect.
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It's like you're hesitant to do anything because you're not sure you're committed to the full journey and the final destination.
Been there and done that and divorce isn't pretty, no matter if there is a fault or not. It brings the worse out in people and I'm not looking forward to all this legal entangling. It's frustrating and highly volitile.
I can't choose to do nothing, that keeps me stuck and I can't live like that. I've been taking one day at a time for over 2 years and I feel like I can't move, if I want to have me time, I feel guilty, if I want to hang out with friends, I feel guilty, if I spend time with my kids, I feel guilty and that is because I have a H home pouting wondering why I would rather be with them and not him. Example, I didn't want to go fishing this past weekend. My son from my previous marriage wanted to go and so did my H so I told them to go and leave me at home. That didn't set well with my H, who pouted and told me to call my son and tell him we weren't going. So to keep peace, I went, otherwise I have to put up with my H pouting and my S pouting. It was just easier to go. I can't breathe, I feel as though my H is waiting for me to make a mistake so he can feel better about why we're getting a divorce. I feel like he wants to catch me doing something to lessen his responsibility for the break-up.
Okay, you may be thinking well can't you do this within your M? Yes, of course I can, but I can't move with the ease I want to. I feel like I have to account for my whereabouts, not that my H expects me to tell him, but he will ask questions and out of respect I answer them, but really I don't feel like I should have to answer to him.
Hopefully I'm not rambling and you get the gist of this.
Also, you don't have to be absolutely sure in order to do something. People do all sorts of things and make all sorts of momentous decisions without being sure they're doing the right thing... getting married, having a baby, joining the army, quitting a job. You don't have to wait until you're sure.
Ok Lil, you got me. Maybe a bad use of words or a failed attempt of trying to get my idea down on paper. There's very few things in life that we are absolutley sure of. Prepared maybe?? Try to prepare yourself for what your actions may bring?? Getting married, having a baby, joining the army, quitting a job,...getting a divorce - All huge, huge decisions. Do you jump off a cliff without being prepared for whats at the bottom? Hope you hit water, but prepare for rocks cause once you make the jump you might not be able to go back.
) My thought ...
