Now I've done it... again

[my3sons]

You do have an ouchie. A big one. And it is OK that S2 can tell when his mommy is hurting.

I didn't want to tell you to file, it's not DB. But I do think that it is the best way for you to protect yourself and your children in the complete void of information or intention from your H.

[mkultra]

My D6's TH basically said the same thing your L said, so I think it is good that you filed, just IMHO. This does not mean you are pro divorce or that you need to stop DBing. You did what you could in your power to cease or bust a D. You do not need to be a doormat or fund his lifestyle. You have protected your boundaries to the best of your ability.

Now, stop snooping. Cut financial ties. If you cannot agree to child support use the L or a mediator if that is cheaper. He is lost and he may find his way back once he gets through his resentment. He probably does miss the kids and I bet he misses you but for now, you are doing great being independent.

The thing is you are a nursing mom with a newborn. You are supposed to be resting and building up your milk supply! That is why I did not work for years! It is hard work staying commited to breastfeeding so yes, we need the father to support what we feel is best for the kids! That is the job a good father, to be a good husband and provider. Sorry to sound old fashioned, but I worked for 20 years, but not while I was with a newborn! It frustrates me that at the very moment you need to be dependent on someone you have to show how independent you are!

I am very proud of you. Your kids will give you a medal someday if they ever find out what you had to go through when they were so young and helpless.

[nephartiti]

Thank you, everyone, for your support. Sometimes I get so caught up in everything that I am ready to take full responsibility for everything. Sometimes it is hard for me to see where I am being taken advantage of.

Off subject--I think this unfiltered applejuice is fermenting...

H sent a voice note to the kids saying how much he loves and misses them. I thought it was kind of sad. I wanted to yell out, "Then come home you big idiot!" Oh well.

So I am going dark again. Hopefully my next venture into the sun will be a little more positive, but I need to re-coop before that happens. I have to stop snooping, I know. It just drives me crazy and speculation leads to reaction,which leads to blow out with H. Better to play dumb as MK said. Unfortunately, I am too honest to "play" dumb, so I will have to be truly oblivious.

In the meantime, tomorrow is back to school night for S9. I'm looking forward to it. Then I'm going to think about Halloween. I'm trying to convince S9 to participate in a garden bug theme, but he says he wants to be something scary this year (the clown with the tear away face from Nightmare Before Christmas. Guess it could be worse.) I suggested a black widow. He made a face.

I sold my piano shortly after the baby was born. I miss it terribly. I'm going to start looking for one used. I've been very careful with money. If H doesn't bury us too much, I should be able to get a fixer upper in the next month or two.

[mkultra]

Does your H feel stressed out about money? Supporting his family? What do his parents think about his sitch? Can they help you? My District only pays a portion of my health and it has gone up a lot! I am basically working for mortgage and benefits with no money left over for utilities and food. I may have to get MediCal. A working teacher on welfare. Even if I taught full time, it would be a huge struggle with the COL in CA.

[nephartiti]

My H doesn't seem to be worried about money at all. His district pays for full med, dental, and vision. We just have co-pays. With the legal S, I can request to be left on as part of spousal support.

He just seems to be living day by day, acting on whims. I don't think he even thinks much about the future, but I don't know. I have no idea what he's thinking, and I have to stop trying to figure it out.

Apply for medi-cal. If you don't qualify, there is also the Healthy Families program for the kids, which is significantly reduced. Also, most utilities (and phone companies) have special rates for lower income families. I'm lucky because my job provides housing with phone, internet, and utilities. Now I have WIC, so that helps with food. Our necessities are met. It's the other bills and my credit that I worry about right now.

Don't judge yourself for needing assistance. You have 2 small children with a single income. It is for people in your situation that these programs were put into place. Do what ever you can to make this time more comfortable for you and your kids. Every little bit helps.

[nephartiti]

Sorry, I forgot to address his family. His mother passed away right before H and I met. His father speaks very little English, but he always loved me, and I him. I think he is heartbroken about the whole thing. However, since H has moved out, he avoids talking to me. I have only called him twice. I think this is very hard for him because H has been lying to him as well. When I called looking for H and S2 on Sunday, he was confused because H left Saturday night saying he was taking S2 home to me. I think that blood is thicker here though. I feel like I've been shunned, to sone degree. I will not ask them for help.

[mkultra]

Good, don't.

Sigh. my MIL spent 3 days in the hospital. She thinks she is going to die from this mess.

[SallyM]

neph, you are so strong, you can do this. I think the legal sep is a good idea based on how H is acting...you have to protect yourself and your kids. and going dark is probably a really good idea, too. just hope he comes to his senses.

mk, col in CA is so scary I know I will never live there again. it is weird, knowing I'll never live in the town I grew up in...I love it, would live there again in a minute, but hell no I can't afford it, and unless I win the lottery (which I don't play, so will be hard to win), I could never swing it.

[nephartiti]

Thanks again, everyone. I thought you all might think I was a failure for breaking down and going to the L. I guess I'm just projecting how I feel about myself. I fall into the trap called, If I'm so wonderful, then why did my husband leave me and his kids to live with someone he hardly knows? Where he can't do his laundry or move his stuff in?"

Oh, yeah. It's him not me. I'm still trying to get it through my very thick skull. I can NOT fix him. That does not make me a failure. I can say it, but I still don't completely believe it. Working on it, though.

[nephartiti]

SIL said maybe OW is maiking H itch in now that he's been there 1 month. Guess that would explain the $ and groceries too. No more speculation, Neph!