My wife wants out !!

[DadNotQuitting]

Markyb, sorry I missed your call this evening. Getting my own PMA on, and you know what I mean by that.

Look, you have to stop taking full accountability for all this. Your wife shares in this. You told me that she did not communicate certain things with you a while back, such as signing for a refinance, she didn't always let you know how uncomfortable she was with financial issues. Hell, she just told you that if you did other work, along with the stuff you're doing now, it would have been different. Where was all that communication a year or more ago?

My main thing is, and I've told you this, is that time will make all of this seem so very different that what it is now. My guess? You will have another chance with her, ONLY, and I mean, ONLY if you are willing to accept that she is not being who you want her to be right now. The OM thing? Sorry, it sucks, but you have to get over it. Don't assume what is going on; you don't know. Don't compare it to the f'n horror that I'm going through (which you know all about), because it isn't always this way. M - just give it some time my friend. Listen to Frank, work on yourself, get YOU straight. She will notice, I'm sure of it. She will see you for who you really are; a good husband, a great father. What woman wants any more than that? Is she seeing temp OM as that? Hell NO! Not a chance. He strokes her ego, but in the end, he's an a-hole. You know it, she knows it. She does.......

Come on M, step it up. Screw on your PMA and fight for this, don't give up. My new female "friend" that I told you about gave me a bracelet stating "Make the Impossible Possible". I like that. I showed it to my D7 and asked her what she thought it meant, she said "Don't Give Up". Smart girl, to be sure. I love her just like you love your girl, with the same name. They are why we can put up with this, why we can look twenty years ahead and say today's BS won't matter. Let's get through this, do what we must, and make our marriages work. It can be done. Right Frank????

M - you can do this. Of that, I'm certain.

DNQ

[DadNotQuitting]

Here's the deal: next Monday, one day after I turn 40, I'm going to see Justin Timberlake with the new woman I'm seeing. The tix cost me $250 per, so you can see how f'n crazy I am. Damn, I can't tell you one song he sings - but I hear his show is pretty cool. Whatever.

My point? Women make us do things we never thought. Your wife is no different. Don't be so linear, look outside of the box. My take on you after our conversations is that you are a true entrepreneur, someone that can view any situation from numerous angles. So do it now - stop being so obtuse (my Shawshank Redemption reference if you don't mind!). Come on M - stand tall. OM is not relevent. You know I'm know of what I speak.

Get your game face on and stand tall.

DNQ

[dadtotwo]

I am so sick and tired of her B.S. She is constantly giving me an attitude as if I was some sort of demon. It is so tiring to be the only one that gives a damn about our M. She is so determined to get D as if that will be the answer to everything. She left and I am here trying to hold it together.

It is incredible that she can be so certain that her feelings will never change because it hasn't been easy. Does a WAS ever want to take some responsibility for the M and remember the commitment they made?

What about family? What about the fact that we were in love and can have that again but even better than before?

Why doesn't she care????

[still trying]

She does care... Whether she will allow you or even her self to realize it is another issue.

She's wounded. She's not rational. She is grasping to her decision with everything she has because she sees it as her only means of holding onto her sanity. She has been conflicted and uncertain and afraid for so long, and the only way she can figure out to deal with it is to make a decision to quit. Maybe it's not right, maybe it won't make her happy, but in her view making a firm decision is the only way she can stop the fear and confusion.

Does that mean hope is lost? No. But you have to accept that many women in this position cling to their decision so tightly that they will never give it up. In the end, the only way she's going to come back to you is to choose to do so. Not your choice, hers. That's her issue to decide. I'd love to say there is a way you can get her to do it, but there isn't. The best you can do is work on yourself with no expectations. Make yourself an attractive choice. Hold yourself together. Let her go. Surrender. She may be back, she may not. And it sucks to say this, but that's life, and it's rarely fair. Once you get to a place where you can truly accept that you can't control her, you'll be a lot better off and you might even start to be an attractive option to her. But getting to that place is hard...

[frank_D]

Like debtman7 says. YOU are holding on to HER. Still.

Let her go. do not HELP her get a divorce, but also do not come across as needing her, or as stopping her. Make her do the work, and take all the time you can on any and every response.

Do you want to continue to have a crappy life, or make it better? Whether she is around or not, you still have to live with - you.

[dadtotwo]

My W is coming over tonight to discuss how we are dividing items in our house. She constantly asks me for money and just last night asked again and I said I would transfer money. I didn't because she is using that account to pay the cell bill I wouldn't pay.

If my W wanted to seperate because she was tired of being broke, I would give her every spare dime for her and the kids. BUT...since she was unfaithful and was disrespectful to me as her husband and and a person, I have been reluctant to give her more than the minimum.

I have given her money for my D's school supplies, continue to pay for her car, insurance etc, etc. I also give her cash every week for living expenses.

So now tonight I am going to have my say. I will tell her that although we had money issues, she chose to leave and go outside the M seeking OM. She totally disregarded our M and our children and took on this new piece of garbage!!!!

This is why I am not being so cooperative. I will tell her that if she wants to make an issue of the money being minimal, then we should tell her parents why I am being difficult.

She has been totally wrong in what she did and is doing. I have been so humiliated for these last few months and I will not allow her to have the final say on this matter!!!

[dadtotwo]

My W came over the house last night so we could go through a list of things in the house. We talked at length about us and why we are where we are. From her standpoint I let her down by not being the provider she needs. I have made some very poor choices and she lost the trust in me by not being straight with her. She repeated that she lost respect for me since our finances never improved.

She said that she was still in this M up until a few months before D-Day. It took her every ounce of strength to make the decision to separate and move on. She does not want our kids to live w/o their father but it became necessary to get away and "breathe" again.

I know many here will read this and feel that my W gave up on our M and should be here since we made a commitment to each other. I agree with that but there are times when a W just says "enough" and loses that feeling for her husband.

If she loved me enough, she would have stuck it out but I guess I must accept that my M is probably over. I will continue to have hope but I think there has been too much hurt and disappointment from which she will never get past.

[dadtotwo]

Knowing how much the OM has been hurting me, my W opened up somewhat about her and OM. She reassured me, and I do believe her, that she and OM did not start until she gave told me she had enough. They were introduced only in passing but it was not an introduction because she had marital problems. OM has or is just finishing his D. He has children as well that he sees on weekends. My W has said that she had expected me to move out and is very sorry for the amount of calls made to him. I said that she treated me like a doormat and acted like I didn't matter. She said that at the time she was so mad at me and she felt she shouldn't have to answer to me.

I asked how she could do that while we were still together to which she said that we were under the same roof but were not "together". To her, we had not been a couple for a long time and that she was done. She has been done with us for many months but tried to wait and see if things got better. At some point she just gave up but didn't know how or when to say "enough". She wants me to understand that she did nothing, in her eyes, that would make her feel guilty. The OM did not come into play until the end. The phone calls were frequent and she admits that she should have waited until one of us left.

I told her that she was deceitful and not honest. She said that I wasn't either when it came to how I handled money and borrowed to cover expenses. She just does not undersand how I could have let our situation get so bad that it would jeopardize our family. She said that we did have a wonderful life together(when we had money) and she doesn't want what happened at the end to be the only lasting memories.

This new thing she is pursuing is a classic REBOUND RELATIONSHIP for both of them. She is seperated with kids and he is either D or close to it and he has kids. How amazing that a spouse can give up a marriage and jump into something new. Makes me wonder whether the vows matter or how fragile a marriage really can be?

Simply put..my W has made the choice to no longer love me as her H. This s*cks...

[dadtotwo]

For all those here to read, here is what I did regarding our finances...

Dec 2000- Bought brand new house for $275,000 with $245,000 mortgage
April 2002- Opened credit line for $150,000
October 2003- Refinanced for $525,000 to pay off existing mortgage, pay off credit cards and credit line. I did not close the credit line but paid off the balance and was told to close it myself. I never did.
January 2004- Take on new position as branch manager(projected income $200,000/year)
February 2004- W leaves $65,000/yr job to be a stay at home Mom.
May 2004- Branch not working out and are brought in as a partner for a business venture. Quit my job without consulting my W. She says that I should pursue this but only for a short time and then I should get back to work. I didn't listen to that.
May 2004-June 2006- Did not work since my business venture would take off any day. Borrowed money from family, friends took cash advances on credit cards with the expectation of easily paying the money back. Did all of this without consulting my W. All the decisions were made without her input.
May 2005- W miscarries. Tell the MC that our marriage starting falling apart from that point forward.
June 2006- Return to work full time. File Chapter 7 BK
July 2006- Go to BK court to tell them why we are broke
September 2006- Served foreclosure notice after being behind 4 months on mortgage
September 2007- Wife has left with kids, still not made a mortgage payment. Still broke...

See folks, my W had a very good reason to leave. I DIDN'T WORK FOR 2 YEARS!!! We filed bankruptcy and we are losing our house. So find me a W that would be willing to stand by her H when he FREELY chose not to work no matter how bad things got because he was convinced his venture would pay off. Find me a W that would not lose trust and respect for her H when he gets money without telling her and only puts us further and further in debt. I went so far as to cash in some of my kid's savings bonds so I could get some cash. We went months without health insurance including no insurance for my kids.

I am thoroughly disappointed and ashamed of myself. My own fear and lack of confidence buried us and I lost my family and misled the only woman I ever truly loved. Just before, I called my kids to say goodnight and the pain of having to talk to them and not put them to bed makes me ashamed to call myself a man.

How pathetic I have been!!

[frank_D]

I am thoroughly disappointed and ashamed of myself. My own fear and lack of confidence buried us and I lost my family and misled the only woman I ever truly loved. Just before, I called my kids to say goodnight and the pain of having to talk to them and not put them to bed makes me ashamed to call myself a man.

How pathetic I have been!!

well, you still found ways to pay bills while you were working on your ventures. IS that really 'pathetic'? I think 'pathetic' would have been crawling into a bottle or running off with the money.

you TRIED to make it work.

So, you made mistakes. ok.

February 2004- W leaves $65,000/yr job to be a stay at home Mom.

She made mistakes too.