Where did my summer go?

[Crazy Eddie]

I had an interesting discussion with H last night. I think part of his views have evolved out of his dislike of his mother. He said."Well, you know where most of this mess started from - my mom. We were not allowed to express any negative feelings in our house."
So no big shocker, that he was the perfect "people pleaser" most of the time and certainly didn't feel comfortable expressing his feelings with me.

Maybe he's just about ready to really get that ignoring the past and pushing it out of your mind is not the way to move past it.

Has she made any changes at all? Do you think either of them would be open to establishing a closer and less strained relationship? It's not required, but I think it helped in my case. Not a big "moment of closure" or anything like that, just hanging out in an unfused but loving way and learning to deal with each other like we should have done many years ago.

He is nothing but respectful and understanding of my need to vent these feelings. But it's hard for him to do given his past history of learning to avoid negative feelings/discussions. He is still in the habit of thinking "if we talk about it, things are not going well". I know he thinks if I don't discuss it, I must be fine with everything because he even made this same comment again last night: "Every few months you get into these discussions and it throws me for a loop. I keep thinking everything is going along fine and then, pow, you hit me with all these horrible feelings you are having about the M." I make sure he knows that just because we talk about it doesn't make the situation worse, it actually makes it better. Yes, it is painful to discuss but so necessary. He said he "gets it" but then he always seems shocked when I keep bringing it back up.

He may get that, but as long as he's carrying that anxiety around, he'll greet that discussion with as much enthusiasm as he would normally reserve for root canals and going on trial. He is on trial, as far as he can tell.

I'm not quite sure what you can do about it though. Understanding someone else's FOO doesn't really give you leverage to change their behavior... they have to understand their own FOO and really get what lessons they missed out on and then learn those lessons, and no one else can spoon-feed it to them. A good dose of reassurance when you talk to him like that doesn't hurt, but don't expect miracles right away.

Why do you let these thoughts swirl so long before you bring it up? Are you doing the same people pleasing bit he is, afraid of his reaction and his fear and his anger? It might be easier for both of you to have shorter, more frequent discussions, get both of you less afraid of them.